Wrapped Up in a Moment

This morning, sometime around 4 a.m., I was awoken by the feeling of my little Kyle, my 5 year old angel, crawling up in bed and laying on top of me. This is something I don't recall he has done since he was just a baby.

Don't get me wrong, he crawls into my bed every night and wraps his one arm around me or his leg or his foot... he always has to be touching me, just to know that I am there.

This morning was so different, so sweet.

Just like an infant that lies still on the chest of their parent, my little baby crawled right up there. What made even more sweet for me was that he was wearing his cute little fuzzy "footie" pajamas. Just like those he would have worn as an infant.

I laid there, holding him, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back. At least until his little hand reached up to wipe off the kisses I had left him, like he always does.

Then he scooted over next to me, wrapped his arm around me and was back asleep.

Funny, with all the drama in my life right now, I think that very moment, calmed my heart and mind like nothing has in a long time.

He took my breath away and stole my heart all over again...

Mommy's Date

O.k, so it's only been a few months since Mark has been gone, but I am learning that sometimes just getting out for a little adult companionship is not harmful.

So I arranged to go out for a couple drinks with a man that I had been friends with since I was 17 years old. He was someone that I have spent time with in the past and felt comfortable with. But first, I had to check with my monkeys. I tend to not want to do anything without checking with them first. I want them to be able to express to me their fears and wishes.

Jacob, now 9, tells me "it's about time!"

Kyle asks if he can come along, "Mommy, I just want to go with you. I want to make sure you are o.k."

It was sweet. I have to admit.

So it's 7:15 p.m. on Thursday night and he pulls in the driveway to pick me up. Of course, all of my monkeys and two of the three from upstairs are outside playing so they have to check him out.

"Mom, just remember, I am here if you need me" Jacob tells me.

Then he pulls me aside and asks me to keep one rule for him "no kissing on the lips tonight Mommy, you need to save that for the 22nd date".

I smile at him sweetly and tell him, no kissing on the lips.

After a great evening of conversation, I arrive home at 11 p.m.

"Hey Mom, what was he like?"

"Did you have fun?"

"Do we get to meet him?"

"Are you going to go out again?"

I felt like I was answering 20 questions from my parents like when I was back in high school. It was so sweet.

Then as I was getting ready for bed, Jacob came in my room and said, "Mom, I just have to know, did you keep my rule? at least for tonight?"

I smile at him and said, "baby doll, I told you no kissing on the lips, right? Don't you sweat it!"

"Phew" he says, "so when are you going out again? You drive me crazy when you are home!"

Memory Lane

It was Saturday night. I had all four of my monkeys at home with me. Lately, they have been finding it necessary to kick me out of the house for a few hours when this rare occasion happens. My 9 year old, Jacob, has been telling me I need to get out, find a boyfriend and go. When I ask him why, he tells me I am driving him crazy - hanging out with him!!

Saturday night was different somehow. We all hung out together and watched National Treasure 2 - which is one of our favorites. We laughed and teased eachother about silly things most of the night.

When the movie was over, I took that opportunity to sit down with my boys to tell them that I knew things had been crazy in our life, but that we were a family - the 5 of us and we were going to make it. Money is tighter than ever and there are a few things - like cable TV - that we have been without and that might have to continue for a few more months. But I assured them, that Mom loved them all and even though I might get a little hard on them right now - trying to get them to help me - things were going to be o.k.

During this conversation, Jacob brought up his cousins, Sarah and Erik. We have not had a chance to see them in nearly 10 years. I told them a little about them, some of the great funny memories I had...

Then Alex, my 13 year old, says to me, "Mom, I remember her. She and I got along really good didn't we?"

I laughed and said, "yes, she was like your little girlfriend".

I laughed some more to myself, recalling the funniest little story about Alex and Sarah when Alex was only 2. You will have to take my word for it because I think he would be far too embarrassed for me to share it just yet, but as I shared it with my boys, they laughed so hard they nearly wet their pants - ALL 4 OF THEM!! It was so great to laugh like with them.

As I went to bed that night, after sharing lots of stories with them, I don't think I could stop smiling. It was so amazing, how staying home that Saturday night provided me with more fun and entertainment than any night out could have given me. After all, those boys, are MY BOYS, my babies and they are truly amazing, and wonderful and sweet - and even though they can get so naughty - I wouldn't trade love like that for anything in the world.

I am so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to share memories and laughter and love.

Broken Hearts

The other night, my son Jacob called me frantically into his room. There was something there I just had to see.

When I got there, he pointed to this picture hanging on his wall up by his bed.

"Crawl up there Mom, look at it" he says.

So, I very unsteadily climbed up the metal ladder for his bunk bed and viewed the picture on his wall.

It was a picture of a man, woman and child, holding hands happily. Above them it said "Mommy, Daddy & Jacob = Happy Family"

By the time I turned to look at him he was crying.

"Why Mommy, why did you have to ask Daddy to leave?"

Understanding that most children at 9 shouldn't know half the things he knows, I tried to explain to him that Mommy and Daddy fought all the time and we weren't happy and I cried a lot and that just wasn't good for any of us.

"She did cry you know" my little Kyle piped in.

"But you could have just done it for us Mom, Daddy promised you would never get divorced. Now you lied to me. You lied Mom"

What do you say at a time like this.

"I'm sorry Baby" I told him.

"Get off my bed now" he said "I need you to leave my room."

I didn't know what more to say so I climbed down off his bed and went to my room and felt like a baby myself. I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried and cried.

I heard my door open a little bit and I saw my 5 year old standing there. He ran up and hugged me tighter than I think he ever has before and started crying too.

"It's o.k Mommy," he said, "Don't cry. I love you"

A few minutes later Jacob appeared in my door too...

"Boy," he said,"we are all a bunch of crying weirdos."

Before you knew it we were all hugging and laughing...

Always for My Monkeys

Usually I write little stories about the boys. Cute things they say or do that I never want to forget that can so easily be forgotten in the business of life...

This time, I decided it needed to be different.

Recently, I have talked to too many people experiencing the same thing as I am - going through a divorce. The most important thing about my divorce, and many of theirs, is that we are not going through it alone. Too often, there are children involved.

No matter what the circumstance is surrounding a divorce - whether one spouse has been unfaithful or if your marriage has ended for any other reason - the children need to become the focus of your actions. This is too often forgotten.

In my situation, it was difficult as my husband had ALWAYS been the caretaker for my children. As a mom, it was such a difficult choice for me to let my babies go and let them go live with their Dad and to become the "every-other-weekend" parent. It tore me apart and my empty house suddenly became a place I really didn't want to be.

Recent circumstances has changed that arrangement and my monkeys are now back at home with me, and though I couldn't be happier, in my heart, I still feel for their father. After all, I think about how my heart was broken when they left my home and so I know that his was broken too when he moved their things back in the house last night.

In fact, he even said to me, as he carried in the last bag, "I want you to know this is the worst feeling I have ever felt."

The thing that I want to share with my friends that are experiencing these things, is that above all else - no matter what hatred or hurt you might be feeling, keep your kids first. Continue to be a responsible parent, a loving parent and remember right now, your children are probably really confused - so love them just a little more than you ever have before, give them that extra time, play that extra game of cards before bed, give them 20 hugs instead of 10.

At the same time, provide them some stability. Keep to your rules and be a responsible loving parent - they need you now more than ever.

You might find that you need them now more than ever too!

Broken Hearted Little Boy

Divorce is hard on children of all ages. I remember when I went through my first divorce, my children, Travis and Alex, were so young then that it seemed to not affect them too much. I know now, as they have gotten older, it still affects them - every day.

My two little boys, Jacob and Kyle, are now facing the same thing as their Dad and I have realized that, though we love eachother, we just can't be together anymore.

The road has been hard and long already but we are finally getting along and for the kids, it seems to be making it better - as good as it can be.

Today, however, Jacob was broken hearted.

His broken heart was not caused by his Dad or myself this time though. It was caused by the woman whose children live upstairs from us.

There are 3 kids that live in the upstairs apartment from our home. They are 14, 10 and 9. From the day that we moved in all of the kids have played together so well.

Today, Jacob went upstairs, like any other day, to see if the oldest boy who he gets along with the best, Miguel, could play. Before I could turn around, he was running down the stairs crying his eyes out because he was told by Miguel's mom that he was too young to play with Miguel anymore. Even though they had just been outside last night til 9 p.m. playing together.

Funny how you can separate a family and kids seem to be o.k but tear apart friends, and watch their little hearts break right in two...

Spring

This is what spring time is all about...

Last night, I sat on my front porch, watching my 4 boys playing together nicely.

No joke.

Sometimes this happens. It was the sweetest mom moment I have had in a long time!!

That is what spring is about, boys playing outside, laughing and loving eachother, even if it was only for a half an hour!

A Long Cold Walk

It was yesterday - you know, 10 degrees, sun shining.... Travis needed to go to his Dad's house after school to work on a school project.

He sent me a text message at about 3:30 asking me if he was supposed to walk there. I told him I couldn't leave work at the moment so he would probably have to.

"See you Saturday then" was the response I received back.

I had forgotten that it was that day when they head back to their Dad's for a few days.

I sent him a message and told him to walk where I work and I would take him to his Dad's that way I could see him before he left.

He decides that he would do this.

About 20 minutes later, I get a message "I'm here".

I send him one back "come in"

"Where are you?"

"I am in the door, up the stairs"

My phone rings... "Mom, where are you?"

"Where are you?" I ask back - somewhat confused...

"I'm in the parking lot" he says. I tell him I will be right out.

I go outside and I look around. I yell for him a little bit... nothing...

I call him, "where are you honey?"

"Mom, I think I don't know where you work" he says to me.

I laughed... he had walked to a different shop all the way across town from me.

"I'll be right there baby, stay put".

He's such a sweet kid. He is so smart!! I bet he never forgets where I work again! :)

Worth the Memory

The other night I sat in the bathroom next to my little Kyle as he brushed his teeth before bed. I remember when we first started this process - of course, he was too little to do any part himself. Then he "graduated" to being able to reach the sink with his step-stool and could do some of the brushing...

This night, we sat in there while he brushed and then he filled his drink cup all the way to the top. He does this every time he brushes. He rinses his mouth with the water and tries to "spout" it all the way across the top of the sink - I think his uncle Jimmy taught him this! Then when he's done, he usually washes his face, his hands then dries up with the towel and heads to bed... but this time, something was different.

This time, Kyle stood up on his tip-toes just enough that he could see the top of his head in the mirror. Boy did he get excited!

"Mom! I can see!"

"I know!" I told him, "What a BIG boy you have grown to be".

Seeing him measure how much of his head he could see in the mirror reminded me that when my family first moved into our home in Mayville 31 years ago, I had only been 5 at the time. I remember going in the bathroom to brush my teeth and only being able to see the top part of my head.

I used to keep track of how tall I had gotten by how much more of my head I could see each year!! :)

It made me smile - realizing that this little monkey was doing the same thing I had done so many years ago.

How time flies, how we grow, and change - yet some things will forever stay the same.