Sometimes He Needs Me...

Sunday afternoon football... something his Daddy and I used to enjoy watching together.  I found it hard last year to have any interest in it at all, and this year - I am back - at least a little bit.

I normally sit and watch part of the games and usually find myself getting up at half time and being "done" for the day.  But yesterday, it was different.

Jacob was very cozy with me yesterday.  I didn't read all the signs right, but he was definately in the mood for hanging out with mom.  We watched football together and then just snuggled on the couch - watched Drake 'n Josh and then the Big Time Rush Christmas Special....  it was sweet.

I ran to my Dad's house for about 2 hours to do some laundry (our wash machine died :( earlier in the week) and by the time I returned, he had sent me 3 text messages inquiring when I would be back...

The last message told me that he didn't feel good.

Hmm.... I should have guessed that, but I didn't see it.  I was too busy all day, soaking up the love and attention from my little boy that is growing so fast....  I missed all the signs.

By the time I got home he was running a fever and complained his throat hurt "really really" bad.  My guess was that he likely had strep, as it was going around the schools.  I figured I would need to figure out how to get him to the doctor the next day.  The problem?  I was scheduled to work a full day.

I spent the rest of the night trying to find someone, anyone, to cover my shift.  I called 4 different stores and got the names of all the possible replacements and no one.  Not one person could take my shift.

I gave Jacob the news and, well, he got a little bit... sad.  Not that he doesn't like Dean, but he really would rather be at home with Mom.

I hugged him tight and told him not to fret.  I would pray hard that something would work out by the morning and that I would see what I could do...

I was so heart broken... I cried myself to sleep too.

This morning, I woke Kyle up for school quietly.  I didn't want to wake my snoring little goose Jacob up so early.  I figured the sleep he was getting would be the best thing for him.

Dean volunteered to drive Kyle into town for school so I could climb back in bed...  right before I reached the stairs, Jacob woke up.  I told him to make himself comfy on the couch and try to get back to sleep and if he needed me, I would be in my bed for a little while. 

I walked up the stairs, opened the curtain for my bedroom, climbed up on the bed and laid my head on the pillow... it was just what I needed when Jacob ran up the stairs crying...

"Mom, I just threw up!"

Yeah... he puked on the blanket on the couch.  He didn't quite make it to the bathroom.

I instructed him to head to the bathroom... I don't know what my brain was thinking but it must have known the future because by the time he reached the bathroom, he threw up again.

By this time, i think I called one of my coworkers numbers like 3 times, in hopes she would answer and hope she could cover my shift... I could not leave this little boy alone today...

After tucking him in and assuring him again that I hadn't given up, I laid back down for a bit too.

And then... just like that, it all worked out.  My shift got covered and I was able to spend the day with my not-so-little-anymore guy.

We had a good day together and he seemed to be feeling better.  Although as the end of the day approached, he complained of his throat again.

I called the doctor and got him in right away...

I knew they would need to take a swab of his throat and I knew personally how much those sucked but I tried to convince him he would be fine.

Well, let's just say, it didn't go very well and just when I thought my little boy was all grown up and didn't need his Mom anymore, he most definately needed me. 

And I was there.

I was there to hold his hand and to brush his hair from his forehead... just as I did when he was little. 

There have been so many times in my life that I kick myself for not being there enough.  I missed so many days because I had to always work...

But he still needs me and he still loves me and the greatest part of all is that he knows that no matter what, he will always have me too.

So Much

So much has happened in the lives of my children that I haven't taken time to write down.  I look back now and wish I would have taken that video recorder out more than I did.  I wish that I would have kept that notebook with me everywhere I went - to capture all of those little moments...

When you are first becoming a mom, so many people tell you to do all of those things.  They tell you to take pictures as much as you can and make sure you write on the back of them - I haven't figured out how to write on the backs of the ones on my computer yet, but I did good on the paper ones for a while!

I know that no one is perfect.  I realize that neglecting to do those things does not make me a bad mom.  But somehow, I wish I could go back and do all of those things...

Since the start of the school year, I have drifted back into the memories of Travis being little a lot.  In fact, to think that he is going to graduate from high school this year frightens me greatly!!  Where did the time go?  What happened to that little boy that used to play tee ball in Nana's front yard and dig worms with her?  So many moments... his first black eye, our long walk to Nana's house across town one day, the day I brought Alex home from the hospital.... 

I remember there were so many times that I would lose Travis and Alex to their Dad after our divorce.  I was certain that because I didn't have any money, they wouldn't want to be with me.  And now, Travis is going to leave me, but to go on with life, the way I always dreamed of.  And Alex?  Well, he started his freshman year and just recently made me realize that despite all of the mistakes I have made in life, I am exactly what I always wanted to be...

He told me one day that he liked being at his Dad's because his Dad had money and spent it on them, but he liked being with me because he felt that he could talk to me about his personal life and school stuff...

I wouldn't trade places in the entire world...

So much has gone wrong, so many mistakes have been made, but I am so happy being right where I am - with them, watching them grow - not from the outside looking in - but right there, by their side.

My Mothers Day Lunch to Remember

Since Mother's Day is never an easy time for me, Dean wanted to try really hard to make it something special for me this year.

He started out by purchasing a laptop for me for my gift from him and the kids.  Something I would hold dear to my heart so I could start writing again...

Then this morning he woke me up early and informed me we were going away for the day. 

We went shopping in Madison.  Something we have learned to enjoy doing.  After going to Half Price Books (which has become one of my favorite places to go) and a trip to the hobby shop (one of Dean's favorite places to go) he tells Jacob and Kyle, "We are going to take Mama someplace nice for lunch today to celebrate Mothers Day."

Kyle and Jacob immediately start throwing out suggestions...

Dean says, "No, no, no... I thought we would take her someplace nice."

Kyle chimes in, "Oh! You mean like the food court!!"

We all had a great laugh.  It was the cutest thing he could possibly say at that moment.  I guess to him, the food court was pretty amazing!!

I was supposed to pick the place.  Something I really suck at because I can never decide what I want and, as a mom, I do always have the boys tastes in mind.  Especially Kyle - after all, he tends to only eat chicken.

Dean spots a place that he had heard had great food.  He had never been there before, but we decided we would check it out.  It was a pub/eatery.  I suppose similar to that of an Apple B's or something?  We don't know what to expect but it looks good and not that busy.

Dean drops the boys and I off at the door and he goes to park the car.  When he walks in, he checks us in and turns back at me with this smile.  I can't explain it, but usually when he smiles with his dimples, something is brewing... I hadn't walked in the door yet, but when I did, I saw why the dimples were there...

The waitresses were dressed... well, you have to go to the link to check it out...

http://www,tiltedkilt.com/

Now, my boys IMMEDIATELY started to smile.  Poor little Jacob climbed up in the booth and started to put his head down - not sure what to think.

Deans says to him, "Don't worry Jacob, soon enough you will grow up and you won't be able to take your eyes off of them."

Let's just say about 20 minutes later, Jacob looks at me and smiles and says, "Guess I am growing up already!"

I know, maybe I should have been offended, but it really was done in taste and the food was SO GOOD!! Jacob had a cheeseburger and said it was the best! 

I had a great lunch - with my boys and something tells me it is a memory that none of us, especially them, will never forget!!

Even at the Grocery Store

Anyone that tells you taking your children to the grocery store adds money to your bill and a little stress to the trip, is not lying, usually!

I typically tend to shop when my children at home... wait, let me correct that, I usually tend to shop when my older boys are at home to watch my little ones... I find that I can get in, get what I need and get out with a whole lot less stress and a lot less money spent on things like junk food.

Monday, I picked my boys up from school and now because I no longer live right in town, it only made sense to run to the store while in town for the few things I needed for dinner.  I was going for taco shells, sour cream and lettuce. 

Well, Jacob and Kyle came in with me and though they did not add to the list too much personally, they tried.  Funny though, they add things like apples, bananas, and poptarts. 

Jacob was in a particular mood.  Something about him.  He likes to take care of me and likes to know everything about everything I do.  So when I put the celery in the cart, he asked me, "Who eats celery Mama?"

I informed him that I do and wanted to buy some to help me with my diet.

"Oh, you are on a diet Mama?  Good.  I know you think you are fat" he smiled "I didn't know you were on a diet."

We continued through the store and, yes, I did buy a few things I hadn't planned on but since their snacks usually are things like string cheese, chocolate milk and apples, I couldn't complain.

When we reached the check out, Jacob was sure to inform our cashier that I was on a diet.  It was funny.  He told her that he was being helpful to me because it was good for my diet.  I was so thankful that I had picked my friend Janice's check out lane.  She found Jacob and Kyle to be entertaining I think.  They were both being so goofy.

The best part of the trip was when I was pushing the cart out to the car.  Kyle was standing on the cart in front of me and Jacob was hanging on the back.  Just like that, he looked at me with that funny Jacob smile and started flapping his arms...

"I a bird Mommy" he said in a cute baby-talk, "Look Mommy, I flying away".

I couldn't help but laugh and laugh and laugh some more...

And I thought I was going to regret having to take them to the store with me.

It made my day.

Remembering...

Looking back, I would never change the years I had with Jacob and Kyle's Dad.  Mark is still one of the most amazing men I will ever be lucky enough to know and love. 

I found myself giving his advice to a good friend of mine - a young high school girl that goes to our church... and all the while, smiling inside at the girl I used to be before he fell in love with me.  Remembering how worried I always was and how uptight I used to be about everything.  I never could relax and laugh or just be me...

The advice he would give me was to live life for the moment and not worry so much about the things you can't control...

When I gave this advice to my friend, and told her where I learned it from, Jacob heard me and left the room.

A minute or two later, he came back and patted me on the back and said, "My Daddy is a pretty smart man". 

I could tell without looking at him that he had cried a little - just by the tone he gets in his voice...

It saddened me to know that something so small could bring a tear to his eye.  It's one of those things you deal with, when you choose to get a divorce.  Knowing the pain in the heart of your child is your fault.

I turned to Jacob and smiled at him...

"You're Daddy is an amazing man, and you, my sweet boy, are just like him"

"But I thought you hated Daddy?" he said to me, with a laugh. 

He and I had been talking about this a lot lately.  He knows I don't hate his Daddy.  In fact, he knows I love him very much.  I think, though, it would be easier for him, as a child, to understand why his Dad and I aren't together anymore, if we really did hate one another...

Instead of trying to hate him, or ever speaking about him negatively, I REMEMBER him.

I remember the moments we all had as a family when we laughed and loved.

It's easier to help a child that is torn apart by their broken family to remember the good and remember the laughs and remember the love.  They don't want to hear how you fought or argued or "never got along" - whatever the case may be.  They know those things happened.  Trust me, they remember.

I have been trying so hard to raise four amazing children. 

I have made mistakes.

I have made countless mistakes...

My older two children may never forgive me for the mistakes I have made. 

I pray in my heart that they will some day.

But I know, they too remember... they remember the bad, the negative, the hatred, the yelling, the fighting, the criticizing, the words that hurt them...

At their age, its hard for me to make them forget by smothering them with love...

Remembering life...

Remembering moments...

Remembering love...

Maybe it would be better if we all had the secret little "guns" they had on "Men in Black" that could make you forget...not just for a little while, but forever....

Maybe then, just for one night, I could tuck those two little guys in, my little Jacob especially, without the tears in his eyes when he prays for his Daddy...

Then again... I am glad he doesn't forget what an amazing man he is and what an amazing Daddy he was... maybe it will help his Daddy remember too...

Never a Thought

Never did I imagine that life for my children would end up the way it is today.

Never a thought crossed my mind that they would ever feel pain and hurt the way they have.

The mistakes I have made.

The lives I have touched.

The lives that have touched ours...

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children doesn't believe in God.

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children feels they are stuipd.

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children longs for his father every day.

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children thinks only I can do things for him.

I can't change my past.

I can't fix the damage I have done.

It's my fault.

Those therapy sessions of the future shoudl be paid for by me.

It's my fault.

I have damaged their innocense.

The choices I made,
The things I thought I did right,
The things I knew were wrong.

It's my fault.

To go back to that first day
that I ever held their little hands...

To go back to that first day
I ever kissed their little heads...

I counted their fingers,
I counted their toes,
I examined their ears, their eyes, their nose...

I wanted to make sure they were just right...

So I could mess them up I guess...

I can never say sorry enough for the pain I have placed in their hearts.

I can never say sorry enought for the damage I have done.

I can't go back and change any of it..

I can go forward.
I can continue to love them
with my whole heart and soul
and do only my best to continue to make up for the time I have lost
and do only my best to teach them the importance of God, family and love

I just hope they want to go forward with me.

The Hardest Day

So I dreaded Friday... the day the court would finally grant my divorce and decide the future for my children...

And then I was given the word...

Jacob and Kyle would be mine, all mine...

So today, I had to tell the boys what the judge decided.  I closed my eyes and prayed to God to give me strength a MILLION times over the course of the last week... I prayed he would help me understand why their Daddy was not getting better and I prayed for strength to help me help my children understand that I love their Daddy but needed to do what was best for my babies. 

So today, I told them what the judge decided.

I sat them down with Dean by my side... giving me added strength to answer any questions that might come up. 

Sadly,

Very sadly,

They both understood every word and knew that Mommy was doing what was best for them.  They both feel that until Daddy is better, that this is what needs to be done.  They are concerned about someone else being there when they visit and they would like to go to his house, but they know, in their hearts, that this is what is right.

How sad.

Never did I imagine that this would happen.

I blamed myself for so long.

I still blame myself.

If only...

I think I can ask that question every day for the rest of my "What if I would have..."

I need to heal too for my children need me now more than ever.  They need me to be their everything, their strength, their love, their support... I am so grateful they have opened their hearts to God...

He will guide them through this day and every day forward...

But I wish they would never have had to  go through this day...