He used to smile.
It's so hard as a mom to see the pain and anger in the eyes of one of your children. That boy sitting across the room from me, with the sunken eyes and broken heart, that boy is STILL one of MY babies. It breaks my heart to see him hurt and to see him with so much pain in his heart and to know that I can't fix that.
My children, all 4 of them, have endured so much in life. They have known what it is like to be from a broken home. Regardless of who is at fault, our home was labeled as "dysfunctional" by the time my oldest son was 4. I always wanted to believe that we were going to prove the statistics in the world wrong and we were going to make it and show that children from a "dysfunctional" home could be as "normal" as children from a 2-parent home.
I worked hard. I raised those little boys with my heart and determination. I was far from perfect. I made mistakes. I was easy on them and at the same time, I would snap at them when I had a bad day or week....
Each of my boys have a uniqueness to them. I have admired each of them for different qualities - their pride, their determination, their humor and their kind hearts.
I have had my heart broken when I hear them talk of things from their life with so much anger or hurt - knowing that I should have protected them more or done things differently to avoid the heartache and pain they feel.
As a mother, I think I have grown more and more every day as my children have gotten older. I have learned to deal with each phase of their life and had to learn how to cope with new problems. I thought things were hard when they were little and I was pulling my hair out because I thought they would never be potty-trained! I wish so much sometimes that I could back to those times - I could handle that - I could FIX that... the trials and tribulations of growing up, falling in love, getting a broken heart or struggling in school... those things are more challenging for me....
I have faced so many challenges with "him". He was my little "Dill Pickle". My unique, funny, loving, quick and SMART little boy. From the time he was born, he wouldn't slow down for anyone or anything! He walked by 7 months and was funny as heck as soon as he could start talking! I never struggled to smile when he was around. I remember times when people would tell me, "That boy needs to go to Hollywood! He is freakin' hilarious!" And they were right - he was! And he had this smile, it would light up a room - his eyes would twinkle and there would just be this "glow".
Sadly, as he grew up, because he wasn't "normal" according to the rest of society, he was picked on, he was bullied, he was teased and segregated. He also faced the challenges of being a middle child. He felt like he was never going to be as "good" as his older brother and was never "good enough" like his baby brother (eventually brothers).... That is the part I feel I failed on the most. I didn't protect him from those feelings the way I should have...
Now, he has lost that inner spark. He has lost the desire to apply his incredible intelligence. He feels as though he has disappointed me and everyone around him. He is hurt and damaged and no longer feels that he is even capable of being funny... and that doesn't just break my heart but it rips it right out.
That boy, he looks so empty and hurt.
But,
That boy, used to smile.
