It's hard, sometimes, when you look at them.
On the outside, they have these little faces. Their eyes are so bright and their smiles are so amazing. Yet at times, they do things that make you stop in your tracks and wonder "where did that come from?" or "where in the world did you hear that word?"
The anger that comes from seemingly nowhere.
It's enough to break your heart.
It's enough to break anyone's heart.
My little boy, he comes to me sometimes with these tears gathered up in his eyes that are so big at times. I am not sure what goes on inside that head of his but I know he is so angry. He doesn't mean to say things to people that are hurtful. He doesn't really want to be so mad. He misses his Dad so much that he doesn't know what to do with that pain.
He sits next to me. He'll put his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I am so bad Mommy". He will say to me.
His words make my eyes fill with tears and my heart fill with hurt. I don't like feeling angry anymore. I don't like to blame. The frustration I once carried toward the absence of his father has mostly left me but on days like this, it fills me up again. I wish he was here with me. I wish he was here with us. I wish, sometimes, we were a family again. Only sometimes, so I could make the pain inside my little boys heart go away.
When you chose to have a child, no one tells you all the things that you will have to do as a parent. They don't tell you about the boo-boo's you will have to kiss. They don't mention the puke you will have to wipe off your face or the conversations you will hear. Heck, I am pretty sure you aren't taught much of anything. I sure wish they would teach you how to take away the hurt from inside their hearts when they get broken though... because that kind of pain? I think it is worse than any broken heart I have ever felt as a grown up.
