Messed Up

I know that I messed up. 

I know that I can't take back the bad choices I have made.

I know he hurt you.

I know you will forever be scarred by the things he said and did.

Every day of my life, I wish I could take those days away.

Every day of my life, I wish I could get back the days I lost with you because of him.

Yet, I also know, I can't blame him alone.

I did it too.

I messed up. 

My bad choices hurt the only ones I was supposed to keep safe...

I messed up....

and now you hurt...

I have a hard time forgiving him but even a harder time forgiving myself.

I love you.

I am sorry.

I hope someday you find it in your heart to forgive me...

I messed up....

bad.

:(

Trying to Find Our Funny Bone

When I look back, I realized I started this blog with mostly humorous stories from my children.  How life in our house, on a daily basis, always seemed to have a laugh - always a smile - because of something sweetly said from the mouths of my boys...

Sometime back, I realized that lately, this has just contained things that have been seemingly sad.  Realizing my boys have grown up in a less than ordinary situation - they have overcome some issues that most children should never have to endure... yet, in reality - I think a lof of children actually do endure these harsh realities of life.  I guess looking back, I think I was just lucky and life for me was carefree for the most part.  Now, I realize that it truly isn't always easy being a child.

I have had my 2 oldest boys that lived through many years with a step-father that they truly didn't like.  It made coming to be with me, their own mom, anything but fun.  I have since learned how much they actually despised having to come to my home... this breaks my heart - it's time that I can NEVER get back for them no matter what I do - or how hard I try. 

My 2 youngsest boys have also suffered at the hands of this same man who has chosen not to be a part of their lives any longer... yet, somehow - all of us - well, the boys and myself, still love the man we believe he can be. 

It's sad, abuse, how it can control your life for such a long time and when it's gone - you still crave it.  I know he would never have hurt my chidlren, or truly never hurt me intentionally - yet it was there.  Sadly, I think it went both ways - we were like poison for one another yet neither of us really knew how to function without the other. 

Sometimes, I think, that might still be my issue.

The last few years has been about me and my children learning how to redefine what makes us a family - who we are and how we can be strong and true and still be the bunch of crazy funny people we always had been before.

We are threatened by those that step in our lives and try to discipline or try to control.  None of us want someone to tell us when we are supposed to sleep, how we are supposed to sleep - we don't want to be told when and where we can watch tv or whether or not we can have a fan on when we sleep.  All of us are still working so hard to stress our ability to be an individual yet when pushed - we are a family - we all stick together and if you are on the outside trying to get in? good luck.

The hardest part of all of that is how I can learn to open my heart again to let someone in.  How do I learn to let someone love me when I am so afraid that person is going to hurt my children somehow.  I do not want them in my life if they are going to try to discipline or tell my children what to do or how to act...  I tense up and I fight back and I fall apart.... 

I need to learn somehow to find my funny bone again.  I need somehow to learn that just because you have a fight or just because there is a certain level of discipline - it doesn't mean that the world is coming to an end...

This might be the side of an abusive relationship that many never see - it's the aftermath.  It's the "where the heck do I go from here?" It's the "I have been so badly damaged by myself and by those around me, now I am just scared of everything" side. 

The sad thing is that no one ever really understands it unless they have been there...

and I am sad - because i am pretty sure you haven't :(

The Man Cave

I was sitting in bed the other morning, watching Pokemon with Jacob and Kyle before school... just like we do every morning.  Only, this time, I wasn't really paying that much atention; as I had my head buried in the book "Fifty Shades of Grey". 

Apparently, there was some commercial or something on, and in it, there must have been some reference to girls and how they get in a boys way.  Suddenly my NOW 12 year old (it scares me to believe he is really that age) Jacob says outloud:

"Yep, that is why I am going to build myself a MAN CAVE".

He caught my attention.  I set my book in mmy lap and look strangely at him...

"Excuse me?" I question, "You are only 12 years old. How in the WORLD do you even know what a MAN CAVE is?"

He looks at me and laughs.

"A man cave is a place where us men can get away from WOMEN!" he says with confidence and his little "Jacob flare" as I like to call it.

That boy has always made me laugh.  I can't help but laugh this time.

He looks over at Kyle and says to him, "Yep, and only me, Alex and Scott are allowed."

Kyle, a bit offended, looks at him and says, "What about me?"

Jacob laughs again, and says "Ha! You are only a boy - only Men will be allowed".

Crazy.

12 years old and he has it all figured out!