A Mother's Nightmare

I stood there in the triage room with him sitting just to the right of me and his Dad standing behind me.  He was explaininig to the nurse why we were there. He told her he "guessed" it was because he had thought about killing himself. 

"and have you ever attempted this before?" the nurse asked him, not with any feeling or emotion, just like any other question. Just like you would ask if you have ever had a cough before. It seemed so strange to me.

"yes" he answered.

At that moment, I stopped paying attention to the nurse and found myself standing directly behind him.  I immediately began rubbing his back and holding onto his chair.  I felt like my heart had fallen directly into my stomach.  I started to cry but didn't want him to know and didn't know how to hide it.  I remember looking over to his Dad because I so badly wanted someone to comfort me or to tell me it was going to be ok.  His Dad offered me a look, I suppose that was all he could do given the fact that we haven't been together in over 15 years, and at that moment I turned back to my son.

It was so strange.  I don't remember any other questions that were asked of him.  I stood there, rubbing his back, holding that chair for strength and all i could do is try to determine where I went wrong.  What did I do?  Instead of my own life flashing befoe my eyes, like they say happens when you die, HIS entire life flashed before my eyes....  I remembered so much.  I remembered giving birth to him, the moment they laid him on my chest.  I remembered him crawling and sitting in his high chair being silly.  I remembered his chicken pox.  I remembered his brother reading books to him when he was just a baby.  I recalled when I had been pregnant with his little brother, the way he used to sit with me when I was on bed rest and watch cartoons.  I remembered all the little moments and the big ones too.  I kept running it through my head... over and over and over and over.  The more I ran it through my head the faster I felt my hand move on his back and I had to stop myself.  I felt my tears running down my face.

I pulled myself together.  I tried to not think about it the rest of the time I was there.  I was attentive and wanted to make sure we, his father and I, were making all the right decisions.  Bringing him there was the right choice.  Getting him help was right.  Leaving at the end of the night without him, no matter how wrong it felt, I had to know it was the right choice.

I waited until I got home that night, away from his Dad, away from the world, and then I cried.  I felt guilty.  I felt I had done something wrong.  it was all my fault. I think as a parent, it is the hardest thing to ever hear... it was worse than anything I have experienced this far in my life.

A few days later, he came home.  He smiled.  He told me he loved me.  He has down days yet.  Days when I am sure that staying in bed seems like a much better option than facing the world, but when he has good days, he smiles and laughs and it makes my heart feel so much better.

I have always told him how much I loved him.  I have always told him that one of the things that i loved so much about him was his ability to be unique, independent, to not care what the rest of the world thought about him... what I didn't realize was that he DID really care what the rest of the world thoguht... it's hard to be a kid and to feel acceptance.  It sucks that kids can't understand that individuality is an amazing gift, not a curse. 

My son, he is an amazing gift.  Each day that he is part of my life I am so grateful that he is here.  He makes me laugh, he challenges me at times but without those challenges I wouldn't become stronger and smarter.  He knows that he can come to me with anything that life brings him... he might not always choose to do that, but he knows that I am there.  How does he know?  Because the first time that he told me that he needed help, I listened.  I knew it was real and didn't assume he was just looking for attention.  He was looking for attention because he needed help with something that was a bigger problem than he knew how to fix himself.

I thank God for bringing my children into this world and saving my life all of the time.  Without them, there are times I don't know where I would be... I KNOW that God opened my eyes and helped me see that my son needed me... he saved me from a nightmare and He saved my son.

The Day Before The Day I Never Thought Would Come....

Yeah, I know, I am not alone and I realize he is ONLY going to be an hour away... do you NOT understand that I have a right as a Mom to still be freaking out?  My oldest son, my baby, my monkeybutt, the son that saved my life in more ways than he will ever know... yeah, that one, he is going away to college and TOMORROW is the day he moves in.

Like I said, I know he is not going far but I feel like somehow I am not done yet? I haven't completed my job.  I think I was supposed to teach him so much more than I did before he leaves and now he is leaving and it's in less than 24 hours and I am totally nerovus and freaking out on the inside yet trying to stay calm and collected on the outside so he can't tell.  I wonder if he can tell?  Do you think he knows?  I think I have been texting him 20 times a day for the last 2 weeks just checking to make sure he has random things... you know, like Kleenex for when he has a runny nose and enough socks to get him through until he comes home for me to do his laundry and is he going to have enough clean sheets and towels and is there anything else I can buy him that he needs because I am pretty sure that he needs more than he is taking because I feel like I am not taking good enough care of him if I am not right there.

Someone out there needs to tell me PLEASE tell me that I am not the only one the only Mom the only parent to ever freak out like this?  My Dad is pretty certain that he never freaked out like this and since my Mom isn't here to ask.... heck, I don't think she freaked out when I left - I was the last of 4 kids though and I certainly don't have a clue what she was like before my brother left.  I remember I wasn't exactly phased by it - after all I still had two sisters left at home to deal with so it didn't really matter?  I just know, I mean, I know that he isn't gone forever.  I know he will be home A LOT and that is a good thing because when he comes home I can smother him and cook for him and clean for him and do his laundry and whatever else he needs from me.  But.... it's still, this is the first step of that whole he isn't my little monkey butt anymore...

He was sooo little.  He was my little guy just yesterday I am so certain of it.  I just had this little buddy that hung out with me when his Daddy was working or fishing... we would hang out, watch Scooby Doo all day and night long... we would eat pancakes for supper because that was all Mommy could cook back then! LOL  We would laugh and dance and finger paint and play....  we would take long walks to Nana's house and then be tooo tired to walk back and so Nana would give us a ride home....    He was that little guy that helped his Daddy paint his duck hunting boat and couldn't wait to go hunting with him....  and now.... he is all grown up.  And I know that his Dad and I we did out best and hope we taught him all the right things.  He is a good kid.... He knows right from wrong and knows what it means to work hard....  I know I am damn proud of him....

I am just not so sure I am ready to let go.... not yet :(

He's Still in There

It's been nearly 3 years since the boys have seen their father... and it has been a year since they have talked to him.

Jacob and I have this incredible relationship though. There are no secrets between us though. We talk and I answer all of his questions with an honest but sometimes very broken heart. He will ask me about his Dad. Sometimes I wonder if he asks me because he isn't sure he remembers anymore.

He will question whether or not his Dad liked a certain music group, or food, or if he took him to some place. Lately, it has been kind of sad, when he asks me questions now, he will bring up a story that has Dad had told him and he will ask me if it was true or not. It hurts. I am sure it doesn't just hurt me but I am guessing that the pain in that little boys heart has to be so huge...

How do you answer questions like that? Especially if you know that they aren't true and you have a no lying pact? I don't want to say things to make his Dad look bad. As much as I get angry at his father, I try so hard to still not bad mouth his Dad to him... that is not my job. My job is to be his Mom and to continue to love him and hold him up and give him strength... and to allow him to love his Dad because he is his Dad.

Just the other night, Jacob was playing XBox on the TV in the living room and it was 9pm - it is pretty typical that this is MY time and I usually kick him off.. well he got stubborn and even though I made it easy for him to go upstairs and play on that XBox, he said "No, that's fine, whatever". UGH! his Dad used to do that to me all the time!!!

I got so frustrated!!! I posted on my facebook something regarding how he is JUST like his Father and Jacob made sure to comment on it! It was so funny! I made him come to my bedroom and hug me and we talked about it. He laughed and I think he thought it was kind of cool that even if he is not around his Dad that he has inherited some of his traits. He loves that man... He loves him and I will NEVER take that away from him.

I will continue to protect him from harm and to to do everything I have to do as a Mom to not allow him to get hurt any further. I will continue to protect him from the things that I know that right now he can't handle. I will continue to keep him safe WITH ME. I will continue to love him and his little brother Kyle with my entire heart and they will ALWAYS come first in my life.

It's so hard. For those of you that have a two-parent home or even a home that might be divided but each of you are still a BIG part of your childrens lives - NEVER EVER EVER take that for granted - and NEVER EVER forget how important your children are.

We were once a two-parent home. A little dysfunctional? Hell yeah. But Jacob and Kyle had this Dad that was soooooo incredible, sooooo amazing. He would always put them before anything. He was the best Dad that I could have ever asked for, for my children. He truly was. Never in a million years did I ever guess that I would be here, right here, right now and they would be completely without him in their lives.... that is not the man I remember.

Then again, I am not the same Mom either.

I am stronger. I am better. I am more in love with my children than I ever imagined possible. I love to hear them laugh. I hate to hear them cry. I love the way they take care of me when I need them and I love the way we all love eachother that much more.

He's still in there, he's still inside of them, he always will be - in the way they laugh, the way they love, the way they love their own children some day... and for Jacob, the way he looks! And for all of us, the way we remember the way it was...

He's still in there, and days like today, it still hurts....

Hurting on the Inside

It's hard, sometimes, when you look at them. 

On the outside, they have these little faces.  Their eyes are so bright and their smiles are so amazing.  Yet at times, they do things that make you stop in your tracks and wonder "where did that come from?" or "where in the world did you hear that word?"

The anger that comes from seemingly nowhere.

It's enough to break your heart.

It's enough to break anyone's heart.

My little boy, he comes to me sometimes with these tears gathered up in his eyes that are so big at times.  I am not sure what goes on inside that head of his but I know he is so angry.  He doesn't mean to say things to people that are hurtful.  He doesn't really want to be so mad.  He misses his Dad so much that he doesn't know what to do with that pain. 

He sits next to me.  He'll put his head on my shoulder.  "I'm sorry I am so bad Mommy".  He will say to me. 

His words make my eyes fill with tears and my heart fill with hurt.  I don't like feeling angry anymore.  I don't like to blame.  The frustration I once carried toward the absence of his father has mostly left me but on days like this, it fills me up again.  I wish he was here with me.  I wish he was here with us.  I wish, sometimes, we were a family again.  Only sometimes, so I could make the pain inside my little boys heart go away.

When you chose to have a child, no one tells you all the things that you will have to do as a parent.  They don't tell you about the boo-boo's you will have to kiss.  They don't mention the puke you will have to wipe off your face or the conversations you will hear.  Heck, I am pretty sure you aren't taught much of anything.  I sure wish they would teach you how to take away the hurt from inside their hearts when they get broken though...  because that kind of pain?  I think it is worse than any broken heart I have ever felt as a grown up.