Hard to Admit

I haven't posted in a long time.  I think mostly because this blog was originally started to capture the "cuteness" of the life I had with my children when they were little and not the difficult times I was starting to have with them as they were growing older.

To state that my life with my boys was still cute would be mostly a lie.  We have lived a very difficult life - the 5 of us.

My son Alex... he is no longer talking to me.  In fact, after having to ask him to leave my home - again - this past week - he is probably telling the world all types of false stories about me.  Things that hurt me like nothing else.

I guess it breaks my heart more than anything I can ever describe.  I remember when he was little and I used to describe him as my little "Dill Pickle" - a reference from "THE RUGRATS".  He was always his own unique person.  He was so different and didn't care and I loved that so much about him.  He still carries that quality but now he gets so depressed and just thinks that the world hates him.  I have tried to explain to him that depression is a difficult thing to live with but feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere in life.  It's a hard cycle.  Something that I have lived with my whole life too.  I just want him to be that exceptional person that I know he has the potential to be but he doesn't think that is what I am trying to do for him.  I wish I could make him see that.

Jacob and I are close - kind of like we were when he was still that little boy asking me to marry him.  I think and pray we always will be.  He has had more than his fair share of struggles.  I know that there are a lot of judgmental people out there that will forever have their views of him but I pray that maybe someday they can see past his ghosts and he can overcome them too.  I know he's got a heart of gold under all of those bad decisions and he will someday be an amazing man and a person that will knock the world out with his talents.  I just have to keep working with him and getting him there and keep him believing in himself.

Life is hard - life is very hard and I wish so much sometimes that I could take these boys back to the days of the cute times of when I first started this blog... but the reality is I can't and we are here - smack dab in the middle of  the reality of life.

It's hard to admit, but things didn't turn out quite as I had always hoped and dreamed for my little family but at the same time, I did the best I could for my boys and they were ALWAYS my first decision and always put first in my life - whether they want to believe that or not.  I love those children with my entire heart and soul and I guess ultimately, that is the best any mother can say.

It's hard to admit, but maybe I just am not very good at my job...