Strength.
Resilience.
Positive.
These 3 words were used to describe my Little Man tonight by his teacher during his parent teacher conference. I am so proud of him, and she is too.
This conference was not like most I have been to in all the years I have been going, in fact, at first I wasn't even sure why I was going to a spring parent teacher conference at all. I don't know that I have ever been called in for one for any of the boys in all the years I have been going (have you noticed that I have avoided trying to count exactly how many years this has been?)
Tonight's conference was mostly about sharing a little bit about our story. Kyle's teacher needed to understand a little bit about where Kyle was coming from when he was having a little eating issue earlier this year and when I started explaining a few back stories, a whole lot of pieces started fitting together.
I guess I don't talk too much about things at home with the boys teachers. Maybe because I have always felt judged in the past - being the busy single Mom or the unmarried Mom with the boyfriend or the husband that left her. I don't know. I used to read more into things than I should have. I realized tonight the importance of the pieces at home fitting into the academics. I realized tonight that my son, despite the stress that we had going on at home in the fall, never showed any sign of it at school. He never let anyone see how much he was hurting. I realized tonight that it wasn't until the stress at home was gone that my son finally "cracked" and just needed a break and stopped caring at school. Maybe it was his way of finally get some of the attention he longed for.
I also realized tonight that sitting with this teacher that had taught all 4 of my children, that my boys have lived through some pretty horrible things and came out pretty strong kids. I know that they still have their demons and they are still fighting them - but they are strong and they were resilient and I am so proud of all 4 of them.
Looking back at the reflections of our lives and where we were and what we have been through - each of us should be proud. We made it through some pretty tough battles. I love my children - I would do anything for them - even if that means teaching them through tough love and methods of parenting that they might not always agree with... parenting is hard. Being a single mom is hard. I am grateful that my husband is with me now to help me along the way but I was alone for a long time, even when I was't by myself.
Resilient - yes. My children are resilient but they have hearts and those hearts have been broken and they don't always mend as softly as they once were - sadly - they have hardened hearts that will be tough to break through but I pray that in time, the right person will be able to show them that not everyone leaves and it's ok and safe to love again ....
Strong and true - this I know they know - but only for one thing - those they love and for family. For my children there is nothing greater than family.
I am proud of my children. All 4 of my children. Tonight was the best conference ever.
Thursday, March 03, 2016
Friday, November 27, 2015
Hard to Admit
I haven't posted in a long time. I think mostly because this blog was originally started to capture the "cuteness" of the life I had with my children when they were little and not the difficult times I was starting to have with them as they were growing older.
To state that my life with my boys was still cute would be mostly a lie. We have lived a very difficult life - the 5 of us.
My son Alex... he is no longer talking to me. In fact, after having to ask him to leave my home - again - this past week - he is probably telling the world all types of false stories about me. Things that hurt me like nothing else.
I guess it breaks my heart more than anything I can ever describe. I remember when he was little and I used to describe him as my little "Dill Pickle" - a reference from "THE RUGRATS". He was always his own unique person. He was so different and didn't care and I loved that so much about him. He still carries that quality but now he gets so depressed and just thinks that the world hates him. I have tried to explain to him that depression is a difficult thing to live with but feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere in life. It's a hard cycle. Something that I have lived with my whole life too. I just want him to be that exceptional person that I know he has the potential to be but he doesn't think that is what I am trying to do for him. I wish I could make him see that.
Jacob and I are close - kind of like we were when he was still that little boy asking me to marry him. I think and pray we always will be. He has had more than his fair share of struggles. I know that there are a lot of judgmental people out there that will forever have their views of him but I pray that maybe someday they can see past his ghosts and he can overcome them too. I know he's got a heart of gold under all of those bad decisions and he will someday be an amazing man and a person that will knock the world out with his talents. I just have to keep working with him and getting him there and keep him believing in himself.
Life is hard - life is very hard and I wish so much sometimes that I could take these boys back to the days of the cute times of when I first started this blog... but the reality is I can't and we are here - smack dab in the middle of the reality of life.
It's hard to admit, but things didn't turn out quite as I had always hoped and dreamed for my little family but at the same time, I did the best I could for my boys and they were ALWAYS my first decision and always put first in my life - whether they want to believe that or not. I love those children with my entire heart and soul and I guess ultimately, that is the best any mother can say.
It's hard to admit, but maybe I just am not very good at my job...
To state that my life with my boys was still cute would be mostly a lie. We have lived a very difficult life - the 5 of us.
My son Alex... he is no longer talking to me. In fact, after having to ask him to leave my home - again - this past week - he is probably telling the world all types of false stories about me. Things that hurt me like nothing else.
I guess it breaks my heart more than anything I can ever describe. I remember when he was little and I used to describe him as my little "Dill Pickle" - a reference from "THE RUGRATS". He was always his own unique person. He was so different and didn't care and I loved that so much about him. He still carries that quality but now he gets so depressed and just thinks that the world hates him. I have tried to explain to him that depression is a difficult thing to live with but feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere in life. It's a hard cycle. Something that I have lived with my whole life too. I just want him to be that exceptional person that I know he has the potential to be but he doesn't think that is what I am trying to do for him. I wish I could make him see that.
Jacob and I are close - kind of like we were when he was still that little boy asking me to marry him. I think and pray we always will be. He has had more than his fair share of struggles. I know that there are a lot of judgmental people out there that will forever have their views of him but I pray that maybe someday they can see past his ghosts and he can overcome them too. I know he's got a heart of gold under all of those bad decisions and he will someday be an amazing man and a person that will knock the world out with his talents. I just have to keep working with him and getting him there and keep him believing in himself.
Life is hard - life is very hard and I wish so much sometimes that I could take these boys back to the days of the cute times of when I first started this blog... but the reality is I can't and we are here - smack dab in the middle of the reality of life.
It's hard to admit, but things didn't turn out quite as I had always hoped and dreamed for my little family but at the same time, I did the best I could for my boys and they were ALWAYS my first decision and always put first in my life - whether they want to believe that or not. I love those children with my entire heart and soul and I guess ultimately, that is the best any mother can say.
It's hard to admit, but maybe I just am not very good at my job...
Monday, September 15, 2014
I Know They are Broken
When you feel like you're broken and everything is falling apart, get some Elmer's glue — with Jacob Romanowski.
I woke up to this post on facebook today.. in my heart, I loved it because my children have grown so close lately. Jacob and Alex used to hate eachother growing up. Yes, I used the word hate. A word I never wanted to use in my house. But Jacob was Mark's baby and he got everything and Alex got blamed for everything and learned to quickly despise the ground Jacob walked on. I never thought I would see the day that the two of them got along - but they do now.
Life has not been an easy road for my children - especially lately.
Alex is facing some pretty tough times ahead and I wish I could say that I understood them. I do know that I have been to blame for many of them - not by him, but by many others, and that is ok I guess. I know the real truth.
See, here is the thing, my children come from a broken home. Are you surprised? And we come from a home where money has never really been a part of our lives - like ever. So, as a mostly single mom most of their lives, I spent most of my life working my ass off to put food on their table and clothes on their back and a roof over their head and electricity in our home. I did my best to provide for them and to give them the things they needed and occasionally the things they wanted. I made some bad choices along the way - but what parent hasn't.
My children are good kids. They are growing and learning and trying to find their place in this life the best they can with the resources they have. they might also make some bad choices along the way but I know in my heart that deep down they are good kids and that they will learn from these choices and their mistakes. Each of them are broken.... but these days, who isn't broken. It's a rough world out their and in a conversation I had with my son Jacob the other night, he told me, "Mom, it's not that I don't want to think of my future but you just really never know what is going to happen - look at everything that has happened in our life - I want to just live for right now and not worry about what happened before this - that is my past, I can't do anything about it anymore"
He hasn't seen or heard from his Dad in nearly 5 years - I know he hurts. I know he is broken - but he tries every day to be strong and to move forward....
Life is hard.
We are all broken in some way -
I hope Elmer's has made enough glue for all of us....
I woke up to this post on facebook today.. in my heart, I loved it because my children have grown so close lately. Jacob and Alex used to hate eachother growing up. Yes, I used the word hate. A word I never wanted to use in my house. But Jacob was Mark's baby and he got everything and Alex got blamed for everything and learned to quickly despise the ground Jacob walked on. I never thought I would see the day that the two of them got along - but they do now.
Life has not been an easy road for my children - especially lately.
Alex is facing some pretty tough times ahead and I wish I could say that I understood them. I do know that I have been to blame for many of them - not by him, but by many others, and that is ok I guess. I know the real truth.
See, here is the thing, my children come from a broken home. Are you surprised? And we come from a home where money has never really been a part of our lives - like ever. So, as a mostly single mom most of their lives, I spent most of my life working my ass off to put food on their table and clothes on their back and a roof over their head and electricity in our home. I did my best to provide for them and to give them the things they needed and occasionally the things they wanted. I made some bad choices along the way - but what parent hasn't.
My children are good kids. They are growing and learning and trying to find their place in this life the best they can with the resources they have. they might also make some bad choices along the way but I know in my heart that deep down they are good kids and that they will learn from these choices and their mistakes. Each of them are broken.... but these days, who isn't broken. It's a rough world out their and in a conversation I had with my son Jacob the other night, he told me, "Mom, it's not that I don't want to think of my future but you just really never know what is going to happen - look at everything that has happened in our life - I want to just live for right now and not worry about what happened before this - that is my past, I can't do anything about it anymore"
He hasn't seen or heard from his Dad in nearly 5 years - I know he hurts. I know he is broken - but he tries every day to be strong and to move forward....
Life is hard.
We are all broken in some way -
I hope Elmer's has made enough glue for all of us....
Monday, April 14, 2014
He Used to Smile
He used to smile.
It's so hard as a mom to see the pain and anger in the eyes of one of your children. That boy sitting across the room from me, with the sunken eyes and broken heart, that boy is STILL one of MY babies. It breaks my heart to see him hurt and to see him with so much pain in his heart and to know that I can't fix that.
My children, all 4 of them, have endured so much in life. They have known what it is like to be from a broken home. Regardless of who is at fault, our home was labeled as "dysfunctional" by the time my oldest son was 4. I always wanted to believe that we were going to prove the statistics in the world wrong and we were going to make it and show that children from a "dysfunctional" home could be as "normal" as children from a 2-parent home.
I worked hard. I raised those little boys with my heart and determination. I was far from perfect. I made mistakes. I was easy on them and at the same time, I would snap at them when I had a bad day or week....
Each of my boys have a uniqueness to them. I have admired each of them for different qualities - their pride, their determination, their humor and their kind hearts.
I have had my heart broken when I hear them talk of things from their life with so much anger or hurt - knowing that I should have protected them more or done things differently to avoid the heartache and pain they feel.
As a mother, I think I have grown more and more every day as my children have gotten older. I have learned to deal with each phase of their life and had to learn how to cope with new problems. I thought things were hard when they were little and I was pulling my hair out because I thought they would never be potty-trained! I wish so much sometimes that I could back to those times - I could handle that - I could FIX that... the trials and tribulations of growing up, falling in love, getting a broken heart or struggling in school... those things are more challenging for me....
I have faced so many challenges with "him". He was my little "Dill Pickle". My unique, funny, loving, quick and SMART little boy. From the time he was born, he wouldn't slow down for anyone or anything! He walked by 7 months and was funny as heck as soon as he could start talking! I never struggled to smile when he was around. I remember times when people would tell me, "That boy needs to go to Hollywood! He is freakin' hilarious!" And they were right - he was! And he had this smile, it would light up a room - his eyes would twinkle and there would just be this "glow".
Sadly, as he grew up, because he wasn't "normal" according to the rest of society, he was picked on, he was bullied, he was teased and segregated. He also faced the challenges of being a middle child. He felt like he was never going to be as "good" as his older brother and was never "good enough" like his baby brother (eventually brothers).... That is the part I feel I failed on the most. I didn't protect him from those feelings the way I should have...
Now, he has lost that inner spark. He has lost the desire to apply his incredible intelligence. He feels as though he has disappointed me and everyone around him. He is hurt and damaged and no longer feels that he is even capable of being funny... and that doesn't just break my heart but it rips it right out.
That boy, he looks so empty and hurt.
But,
That boy, used to smile.
It's so hard as a mom to see the pain and anger in the eyes of one of your children. That boy sitting across the room from me, with the sunken eyes and broken heart, that boy is STILL one of MY babies. It breaks my heart to see him hurt and to see him with so much pain in his heart and to know that I can't fix that.
My children, all 4 of them, have endured so much in life. They have known what it is like to be from a broken home. Regardless of who is at fault, our home was labeled as "dysfunctional" by the time my oldest son was 4. I always wanted to believe that we were going to prove the statistics in the world wrong and we were going to make it and show that children from a "dysfunctional" home could be as "normal" as children from a 2-parent home.
I worked hard. I raised those little boys with my heart and determination. I was far from perfect. I made mistakes. I was easy on them and at the same time, I would snap at them when I had a bad day or week....
Each of my boys have a uniqueness to them. I have admired each of them for different qualities - their pride, their determination, their humor and their kind hearts.
I have had my heart broken when I hear them talk of things from their life with so much anger or hurt - knowing that I should have protected them more or done things differently to avoid the heartache and pain they feel.
As a mother, I think I have grown more and more every day as my children have gotten older. I have learned to deal with each phase of their life and had to learn how to cope with new problems. I thought things were hard when they were little and I was pulling my hair out because I thought they would never be potty-trained! I wish so much sometimes that I could back to those times - I could handle that - I could FIX that... the trials and tribulations of growing up, falling in love, getting a broken heart or struggling in school... those things are more challenging for me....
I have faced so many challenges with "him". He was my little "Dill Pickle". My unique, funny, loving, quick and SMART little boy. From the time he was born, he wouldn't slow down for anyone or anything! He walked by 7 months and was funny as heck as soon as he could start talking! I never struggled to smile when he was around. I remember times when people would tell me, "That boy needs to go to Hollywood! He is freakin' hilarious!" And they were right - he was! And he had this smile, it would light up a room - his eyes would twinkle and there would just be this "glow".
Sadly, as he grew up, because he wasn't "normal" according to the rest of society, he was picked on, he was bullied, he was teased and segregated. He also faced the challenges of being a middle child. He felt like he was never going to be as "good" as his older brother and was never "good enough" like his baby brother (eventually brothers).... That is the part I feel I failed on the most. I didn't protect him from those feelings the way I should have...
Now, he has lost that inner spark. He has lost the desire to apply his incredible intelligence. He feels as though he has disappointed me and everyone around him. He is hurt and damaged and no longer feels that he is even capable of being funny... and that doesn't just break my heart but it rips it right out.
That boy, he looks so empty and hurt.
But,
That boy, used to smile.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Hardest Times
You know, it seems just as I have made it through what seems to be the "hardest day ever", life throws me another curve ball, another mountain, another obstacle in my path.
I have learned that being a Mom is something that just doesn't get any easier no matter how old your children become.
I looked back through my blog the other night and recalled when some of my toughest days were when I was running late and had a baby to get ready and Jacob to chase down and the boys ready for school.... Gosh, what I wouldn't give to go back to the times when the worst thing that happened to me all day was that I forgot to put enough diapers in the diaper bag.
I am not saying being a Mom during the early years is easy - trust me - sometimes I am in such aw of the Moms I know that have 2 or 3 little ones 3 and under. I watch them gather them up and travel places like it is as easy as tying a shoe.... I struggle sometimes getting all 4 of my boys out the door to take one little photo and they are 20, 17, 13, and 9!! Yes, being a Mom is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world. You don't receive any monetary rewards but the love you get back from your children, that is enough to fill your world full of happiness.
The days you might find awful are the days your children think they hate you. The days they tell you to "Go to hell" or to "leave them the fuck alone"... ah yes - in a perfect world, those days would never come... I never thought my children would say those things to me but they have and it happens... then they come back and they remind me that they love me and they are sorry.
I have struggled so much lately, keeping my children from hurt. The heartbreaks, the sadness.... I often times feel like I have failed somehow when they hurt so much. It is only when I recall my younger years that I realize that those things are just a part of life and it really isn't my fault that they hurt so much.
I would give anything in the world to take all of their pain away. I would take their place if I could but I
know, deep down, that it is in those hard spots that my children are, yet again, growing - right before my eyes.
When children are little - we measure their growth on charts - how tall they have gotten, how much they weigh - how big their head is! But when they stop physically growing - the emotional growth, personal growth - the things you can't chart - those are the things that make us really feel, really know, that our children are not little any longer.
My boys... all 4 of my boys.... they have my heart by little strings. They know which ones to tug at, which ones to pull hard and which ones to twist to get the things that they need from me. I think that each of them know that, ultimately, I would give up anything in the world to make their worlds a better place.
Sometimes, we get mad at eachother.
Sometimes, we slam doors.
Sometimes we say things that hurt....
But at the end of the day, they know I can't sleep if we are fighting. They know I will be a mess if we don't "fix" the problem. They know, that no matter how hard the road gets, I am going to help them find a way to get down it and to a better place.
I love those boys. No matter how hard being a Mom might be, there is no other job I would want to have....
They are my world, through good times, bad and especially through the hardest times of our lives....
I have learned that being a Mom is something that just doesn't get any easier no matter how old your children become.
I looked back through my blog the other night and recalled when some of my toughest days were when I was running late and had a baby to get ready and Jacob to chase down and the boys ready for school.... Gosh, what I wouldn't give to go back to the times when the worst thing that happened to me all day was that I forgot to put enough diapers in the diaper bag.
I am not saying being a Mom during the early years is easy - trust me - sometimes I am in such aw of the Moms I know that have 2 or 3 little ones 3 and under. I watch them gather them up and travel places like it is as easy as tying a shoe.... I struggle sometimes getting all 4 of my boys out the door to take one little photo and they are 20, 17, 13, and 9!! Yes, being a Mom is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world. You don't receive any monetary rewards but the love you get back from your children, that is enough to fill your world full of happiness.
The days you might find awful are the days your children think they hate you. The days they tell you to "Go to hell" or to "leave them the fuck alone"... ah yes - in a perfect world, those days would never come... I never thought my children would say those things to me but they have and it happens... then they come back and they remind me that they love me and they are sorry.
I have struggled so much lately, keeping my children from hurt. The heartbreaks, the sadness.... I often times feel like I have failed somehow when they hurt so much. It is only when I recall my younger years that I realize that those things are just a part of life and it really isn't my fault that they hurt so much.
I would give anything in the world to take all of their pain away. I would take their place if I could but I
know, deep down, that it is in those hard spots that my children are, yet again, growing - right before my eyes.
When children are little - we measure their growth on charts - how tall they have gotten, how much they weigh - how big their head is! But when they stop physically growing - the emotional growth, personal growth - the things you can't chart - those are the things that make us really feel, really know, that our children are not little any longer.
My boys... all 4 of my boys.... they have my heart by little strings. They know which ones to tug at, which ones to pull hard and which ones to twist to get the things that they need from me. I think that each of them know that, ultimately, I would give up anything in the world to make their worlds a better place.
Sometimes, we get mad at eachother.
Sometimes, we slam doors.
Sometimes we say things that hurt....
But at the end of the day, they know I can't sleep if we are fighting. They know I will be a mess if we don't "fix" the problem. They know, that no matter how hard the road gets, I am going to help them find a way to get down it and to a better place.
I love those boys. No matter how hard being a Mom might be, there is no other job I would want to have....
They are my world, through good times, bad and especially through the hardest times of our lives....
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
If Only for the Moment
As I continue to work with my son, helping him through the struggles of depression, I remember being his age so vividly.
I remember so many nights when I didn't want to be at home. I didn't want to answer the constant questions from my mother or worry about what my Dad might think. I remember taking my dog for walks - night after night - miles and miles... my poor dog. I can only imagine that she had no idea why I pushed her so hard to keep moving when she would stop and try to jump up on my legs...
I remember the broken hearts, the disappointments, the fights with my family. I, too, felt like things in my life would never get better.
My heart breaks into pieces when my son tells me how much he hurts. I have learned it is no longer just about the break up he has recently endured but there is so much more to his pain.
I am sad. I feel as though he has inherited this illness from me and that I should be able to somehow make it better, yet I have no idea how.
I consume myself with him. I need to. Yet, at the same time, I realize I have other children and they need me too.
I feel so lost. So sad. So uncertain.
We talked tonight, my son and I. I felt like maybe I managed to make some sense in the midst of all of his confusion. He told me that he knew that I believed in him. He knows that I love him. He feels like I am the only one that supports him.
I know that part is not entirely true.
Depression is so difficult. It is a battle that you have with yourself every day of your life. I get that. I suffer too. It's a matter of learning how to conquer and win that battle all by yourself because no one else can do it for you.
Tonight, I am not sure that anything I told him made sense, but he is here, sleeping on my couch and he is safe - if only for the moment.
I remember so many nights when I didn't want to be at home. I didn't want to answer the constant questions from my mother or worry about what my Dad might think. I remember taking my dog for walks - night after night - miles and miles... my poor dog. I can only imagine that she had no idea why I pushed her so hard to keep moving when she would stop and try to jump up on my legs...
I remember the broken hearts, the disappointments, the fights with my family. I, too, felt like things in my life would never get better.
My heart breaks into pieces when my son tells me how much he hurts. I have learned it is no longer just about the break up he has recently endured but there is so much more to his pain.
I am sad. I feel as though he has inherited this illness from me and that I should be able to somehow make it better, yet I have no idea how.
I consume myself with him. I need to. Yet, at the same time, I realize I have other children and they need me too.
I feel so lost. So sad. So uncertain.
We talked tonight, my son and I. I felt like maybe I managed to make some sense in the midst of all of his confusion. He told me that he knew that I believed in him. He knows that I love him. He feels like I am the only one that supports him.
I know that part is not entirely true.
Depression is so difficult. It is a battle that you have with yourself every day of your life. I get that. I suffer too. It's a matter of learning how to conquer and win that battle all by yourself because no one else can do it for you.
Tonight, I am not sure that anything I told him made sense, but he is here, sleeping on my couch and he is safe - if only for the moment.
Friday, April 12, 2013
And Then I Stopped Breathing...
Over a year and a half ago, I discovered my son had considered committing suicide - not once, but 3 times or more... after some professional help, and the use of a mild medication, he seemed to be doing much better....
A few months into his recovery, he met a girl that he really liked and soon after, they began to date... he turned into the most amazing, happy child all over again. As a Mom, I believed it was because he found that he was a great child and was amazing and believed in himself....
Tonight, I learned none of that was true....
A mother's nightmare revisited...
A broken heart and the realization that my son still does not see himself the way I see him... He doesn't believe in himself and doesn't see himself with the confidence and the belief that I do.
I am broken.
He is broken.
It's not her fault... it's young love and I understand that these things happen.... in fact, I guess I have always known that it was going to happen eventually.... but yet, here we are.... and there is he is - so broken and I don't know to fix him and I am so scared...
Lord,
I beg of you....
Please keep him safe...
I need him.
A few months into his recovery, he met a girl that he really liked and soon after, they began to date... he turned into the most amazing, happy child all over again. As a Mom, I believed it was because he found that he was a great child and was amazing and believed in himself....
Tonight, I learned none of that was true....
A mother's nightmare revisited...
A broken heart and the realization that my son still does not see himself the way I see him... He doesn't believe in himself and doesn't see himself with the confidence and the belief that I do.
I am broken.
He is broken.
It's not her fault... it's young love and I understand that these things happen.... in fact, I guess I have always known that it was going to happen eventually.... but yet, here we are.... and there is he is - so broken and I don't know to fix him and I am so scared...
Lord,
I beg of you....
Please keep him safe...
I need him.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Kissing Time
Sometimes it is so hard for me to believe that my children have gotten to be so old.... Travis will be 20 this summer - 20!! Do you even realize that when I first started writing this blog that child was a mere 9?? It is crazy to me! Where did all of that time go? Here I am thinking that my children will be young forever and now I am faced with the fact that my oldest child may never really come back "home" for any long period of time... with the degree he is seeking, he is likely to call big cities like Chicago or New York home! :( It kills me to know this...
I remember when I first started blogging about my children that Jacob was only 3 years old - maybe 4? He was so funny and always full of humor - partly why I started blogging in the first place! Now, this summer, that little boy is going to be 13 years old! How did that happen?
And to think - back then, he wanted to marry me.....
Last Thursday, I received a call from the Dean of Students at his school that he was caught kissing a female student behind the school!! What? It wasn't really a surprise to me as I had just caught him in the act the day before but, at the same time, what happened to my little boy? The one that didn't understand that I couldn't marry him?
hmmph...
Time.
Isn't it crazy how when we are young it seems like it takes forever to go anywhere but when we get older it goes so fast?
Sometimes.... I wish it would just "pause" - at least until I am ready for the next step...
I remember when I first started blogging about my children that Jacob was only 3 years old - maybe 4? He was so funny and always full of humor - partly why I started blogging in the first place! Now, this summer, that little boy is going to be 13 years old! How did that happen?
And to think - back then, he wanted to marry me.....
Last Thursday, I received a call from the Dean of Students at his school that he was caught kissing a female student behind the school!! What? It wasn't really a surprise to me as I had just caught him in the act the day before but, at the same time, what happened to my little boy? The one that didn't understand that I couldn't marry him?
hmmph...
Time.
Isn't it crazy how when we are young it seems like it takes forever to go anywhere but when we get older it goes so fast?
Sometimes.... I wish it would just "pause" - at least until I am ready for the next step...
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Messed Up
I know that I messed up.
I know that I can't take back the bad choices I have made.
I know he hurt you.
I know you will forever be scarred by the things he said and did.
Every day of my life, I wish I could take those days away.
Every day of my life, I wish I could get back the days I lost with you because of him.
Yet, I also know, I can't blame him alone.
I did it too.
I messed up.
My bad choices hurt the only ones I was supposed to keep safe...
I messed up....
and now you hurt...
I have a hard time forgiving him but even a harder time forgiving myself.
I love you.
I am sorry.
I hope someday you find it in your heart to forgive me...
I messed up....
bad.
:(
I know that I can't take back the bad choices I have made.
I know he hurt you.
I know you will forever be scarred by the things he said and did.
Every day of my life, I wish I could take those days away.
Every day of my life, I wish I could get back the days I lost with you because of him.
Yet, I also know, I can't blame him alone.
I did it too.
I messed up.
My bad choices hurt the only ones I was supposed to keep safe...
I messed up....
and now you hurt...
I have a hard time forgiving him but even a harder time forgiving myself.
I love you.
I am sorry.
I hope someday you find it in your heart to forgive me...
I messed up....
bad.
:(
Monday, November 05, 2012
Trying to Find Our Funny Bone
When I look back, I realized I started this blog with mostly humorous stories from my children. How life in our house, on a daily basis, always seemed to have a laugh - always a smile - because of something sweetly said from the mouths of my boys...
Sometime back, I realized that lately, this has just contained things that have been seemingly sad. Realizing my boys have grown up in a less than ordinary situation - they have overcome some issues that most children should never have to endure... yet, in reality - I think a lof of children actually do endure these harsh realities of life. I guess looking back, I think I was just lucky and life for me was carefree for the most part. Now, I realize that it truly isn't always easy being a child.
I have had my 2 oldest boys that lived through many years with a step-father that they truly didn't like. It made coming to be with me, their own mom, anything but fun. I have since learned how much they actually despised having to come to my home... this breaks my heart - it's time that I can NEVER get back for them no matter what I do - or how hard I try.
My 2 youngsest boys have also suffered at the hands of this same man who has chosen not to be a part of their lives any longer... yet, somehow - all of us - well, the boys and myself, still love the man we believe he can be.
It's sad, abuse, how it can control your life for such a long time and when it's gone - you still crave it. I know he would never have hurt my chidlren, or truly never hurt me intentionally - yet it was there. Sadly, I think it went both ways - we were like poison for one another yet neither of us really knew how to function without the other.
Sometimes, I think, that might still be my issue.
The last few years has been about me and my children learning how to redefine what makes us a family - who we are and how we can be strong and true and still be the bunch of crazy funny people we always had been before.
We are threatened by those that step in our lives and try to discipline or try to control. None of us want someone to tell us when we are supposed to sleep, how we are supposed to sleep - we don't want to be told when and where we can watch tv or whether or not we can have a fan on when we sleep. All of us are still working so hard to stress our ability to be an individual yet when pushed - we are a family - we all stick together and if you are on the outside trying to get in? good luck.
The hardest part of all of that is how I can learn to open my heart again to let someone in. How do I learn to let someone love me when I am so afraid that person is going to hurt my children somehow. I do not want them in my life if they are going to try to discipline or tell my children what to do or how to act... I tense up and I fight back and I fall apart....
I need to learn somehow to find my funny bone again. I need somehow to learn that just because you have a fight or just because there is a certain level of discipline - it doesn't mean that the world is coming to an end...
This might be the side of an abusive relationship that many never see - it's the aftermath. It's the "where the heck do I go from here?" It's the "I have been so badly damaged by myself and by those around me, now I am just scared of everything" side.
The sad thing is that no one ever really understands it unless they have been there...
and I am sad - because i am pretty sure you haven't :(
Sometime back, I realized that lately, this has just contained things that have been seemingly sad. Realizing my boys have grown up in a less than ordinary situation - they have overcome some issues that most children should never have to endure... yet, in reality - I think a lof of children actually do endure these harsh realities of life. I guess looking back, I think I was just lucky and life for me was carefree for the most part. Now, I realize that it truly isn't always easy being a child.
I have had my 2 oldest boys that lived through many years with a step-father that they truly didn't like. It made coming to be with me, their own mom, anything but fun. I have since learned how much they actually despised having to come to my home... this breaks my heart - it's time that I can NEVER get back for them no matter what I do - or how hard I try.
My 2 youngsest boys have also suffered at the hands of this same man who has chosen not to be a part of their lives any longer... yet, somehow - all of us - well, the boys and myself, still love the man we believe he can be.
It's sad, abuse, how it can control your life for such a long time and when it's gone - you still crave it. I know he would never have hurt my chidlren, or truly never hurt me intentionally - yet it was there. Sadly, I think it went both ways - we were like poison for one another yet neither of us really knew how to function without the other.
Sometimes, I think, that might still be my issue.
The last few years has been about me and my children learning how to redefine what makes us a family - who we are and how we can be strong and true and still be the bunch of crazy funny people we always had been before.
We are threatened by those that step in our lives and try to discipline or try to control. None of us want someone to tell us when we are supposed to sleep, how we are supposed to sleep - we don't want to be told when and where we can watch tv or whether or not we can have a fan on when we sleep. All of us are still working so hard to stress our ability to be an individual yet when pushed - we are a family - we all stick together and if you are on the outside trying to get in? good luck.
The hardest part of all of that is how I can learn to open my heart again to let someone in. How do I learn to let someone love me when I am so afraid that person is going to hurt my children somehow. I do not want them in my life if they are going to try to discipline or tell my children what to do or how to act... I tense up and I fight back and I fall apart....
I need to learn somehow to find my funny bone again. I need somehow to learn that just because you have a fight or just because there is a certain level of discipline - it doesn't mean that the world is coming to an end...
This might be the side of an abusive relationship that many never see - it's the aftermath. It's the "where the heck do I go from here?" It's the "I have been so badly damaged by myself and by those around me, now I am just scared of everything" side.
The sad thing is that no one ever really understands it unless they have been there...
and I am sad - because i am pretty sure you haven't :(
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The Man Cave
I was sitting in bed the other morning, watching Pokemon with Jacob and Kyle before school... just like we do every morning. Only, this time, I wasn't really paying that much atention; as I had my head buried in the book "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Apparently, there was some commercial or something on, and in it, there must have been some reference to girls and how they get in a boys way. Suddenly my NOW 12 year old (it scares me to believe he is really that age) Jacob says outloud:
"Yep, that is why I am going to build myself a MAN CAVE".
He caught my attention. I set my book in mmy lap and look strangely at him...
"Excuse me?" I question, "You are only 12 years old. How in the WORLD do you even know what a MAN CAVE is?"
He looks at me and laughs.
"A man cave is a place where us men can get away from WOMEN!" he says with confidence and his little "Jacob flare" as I like to call it.
That boy has always made me laugh. I can't help but laugh this time.
He looks over at Kyle and says to him, "Yep, and only me, Alex and Scott are allowed."
Kyle, a bit offended, looks at him and says, "What about me?"
Jacob laughs again, and says "Ha! You are only a boy - only Men will be allowed".
Crazy.
12 years old and he has it all figured out!
Apparently, there was some commercial or something on, and in it, there must have been some reference to girls and how they get in a boys way. Suddenly my NOW 12 year old (it scares me to believe he is really that age) Jacob says outloud:
"Yep, that is why I am going to build myself a MAN CAVE".
He caught my attention. I set my book in mmy lap and look strangely at him...
"Excuse me?" I question, "You are only 12 years old. How in the WORLD do you even know what a MAN CAVE is?"
He looks at me and laughs.
"A man cave is a place where us men can get away from WOMEN!" he says with confidence and his little "Jacob flare" as I like to call it.
That boy has always made me laugh. I can't help but laugh this time.
He looks over at Kyle and says to him, "Yep, and only me, Alex and Scott are allowed."
Kyle, a bit offended, looks at him and says, "What about me?"
Jacob laughs again, and says "Ha! You are only a boy - only Men will be allowed".
Crazy.
12 years old and he has it all figured out!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
A Mother's Nightmare
I stood there in the triage room with him sitting just to the right of me and his Dad standing behind me. He was explaininig to the nurse why we were there. He told her he "guessed" it was because he had thought about killing himself.
"and have you ever attempted this before?" the nurse asked him, not with any feeling or emotion, just like any other question. Just like you would ask if you have ever had a cough before. It seemed so strange to me.
"yes" he answered.
At that moment, I stopped paying attention to the nurse and found myself standing directly behind him. I immediately began rubbing his back and holding onto his chair. I felt like my heart had fallen directly into my stomach. I started to cry but didn't want him to know and didn't know how to hide it. I remember looking over to his Dad because I so badly wanted someone to comfort me or to tell me it was going to be ok. His Dad offered me a look, I suppose that was all he could do given the fact that we haven't been together in over 15 years, and at that moment I turned back to my son.
It was so strange. I don't remember any other questions that were asked of him. I stood there, rubbing his back, holding that chair for strength and all i could do is try to determine where I went wrong. What did I do? Instead of my own life flashing befoe my eyes, like they say happens when you die, HIS entire life flashed before my eyes.... I remembered so much. I remembered giving birth to him, the moment they laid him on my chest. I remembered him crawling and sitting in his high chair being silly. I remembered his chicken pox. I remembered his brother reading books to him when he was just a baby. I recalled when I had been pregnant with his little brother, the way he used to sit with me when I was on bed rest and watch cartoons. I remembered all the little moments and the big ones too. I kept running it through my head... over and over and over and over. The more I ran it through my head the faster I felt my hand move on his back and I had to stop myself. I felt my tears running down my face.
I pulled myself together. I tried to not think about it the rest of the time I was there. I was attentive and wanted to make sure we, his father and I, were making all the right decisions. Bringing him there was the right choice. Getting him help was right. Leaving at the end of the night without him, no matter how wrong it felt, I had to know it was the right choice.
I waited until I got home that night, away from his Dad, away from the world, and then I cried. I felt guilty. I felt I had done something wrong. it was all my fault. I think as a parent, it is the hardest thing to ever hear... it was worse than anything I have experienced this far in my life.
A few days later, he came home. He smiled. He told me he loved me. He has down days yet. Days when I am sure that staying in bed seems like a much better option than facing the world, but when he has good days, he smiles and laughs and it makes my heart feel so much better.
I have always told him how much I loved him. I have always told him that one of the things that i loved so much about him was his ability to be unique, independent, to not care what the rest of the world thought about him... what I didn't realize was that he DID really care what the rest of the world thoguht... it's hard to be a kid and to feel acceptance. It sucks that kids can't understand that individuality is an amazing gift, not a curse.
My son, he is an amazing gift. Each day that he is part of my life I am so grateful that he is here. He makes me laugh, he challenges me at times but without those challenges I wouldn't become stronger and smarter. He knows that he can come to me with anything that life brings him... he might not always choose to do that, but he knows that I am there. How does he know? Because the first time that he told me that he needed help, I listened. I knew it was real and didn't assume he was just looking for attention. He was looking for attention because he needed help with something that was a bigger problem than he knew how to fix himself.
I thank God for bringing my children into this world and saving my life all of the time. Without them, there are times I don't know where I would be... I KNOW that God opened my eyes and helped me see that my son needed me... he saved me from a nightmare and He saved my son.
"and have you ever attempted this before?" the nurse asked him, not with any feeling or emotion, just like any other question. Just like you would ask if you have ever had a cough before. It seemed so strange to me.
"yes" he answered.
At that moment, I stopped paying attention to the nurse and found myself standing directly behind him. I immediately began rubbing his back and holding onto his chair. I felt like my heart had fallen directly into my stomach. I started to cry but didn't want him to know and didn't know how to hide it. I remember looking over to his Dad because I so badly wanted someone to comfort me or to tell me it was going to be ok. His Dad offered me a look, I suppose that was all he could do given the fact that we haven't been together in over 15 years, and at that moment I turned back to my son.
It was so strange. I don't remember any other questions that were asked of him. I stood there, rubbing his back, holding that chair for strength and all i could do is try to determine where I went wrong. What did I do? Instead of my own life flashing befoe my eyes, like they say happens when you die, HIS entire life flashed before my eyes.... I remembered so much. I remembered giving birth to him, the moment they laid him on my chest. I remembered him crawling and sitting in his high chair being silly. I remembered his chicken pox. I remembered his brother reading books to him when he was just a baby. I recalled when I had been pregnant with his little brother, the way he used to sit with me when I was on bed rest and watch cartoons. I remembered all the little moments and the big ones too. I kept running it through my head... over and over and over and over. The more I ran it through my head the faster I felt my hand move on his back and I had to stop myself. I felt my tears running down my face.
I pulled myself together. I tried to not think about it the rest of the time I was there. I was attentive and wanted to make sure we, his father and I, were making all the right decisions. Bringing him there was the right choice. Getting him help was right. Leaving at the end of the night without him, no matter how wrong it felt, I had to know it was the right choice.
I waited until I got home that night, away from his Dad, away from the world, and then I cried. I felt guilty. I felt I had done something wrong. it was all my fault. I think as a parent, it is the hardest thing to ever hear... it was worse than anything I have experienced this far in my life.
A few days later, he came home. He smiled. He told me he loved me. He has down days yet. Days when I am sure that staying in bed seems like a much better option than facing the world, but when he has good days, he smiles and laughs and it makes my heart feel so much better.
I have always told him how much I loved him. I have always told him that one of the things that i loved so much about him was his ability to be unique, independent, to not care what the rest of the world thought about him... what I didn't realize was that he DID really care what the rest of the world thoguht... it's hard to be a kid and to feel acceptance. It sucks that kids can't understand that individuality is an amazing gift, not a curse.
My son, he is an amazing gift. Each day that he is part of my life I am so grateful that he is here. He makes me laugh, he challenges me at times but without those challenges I wouldn't become stronger and smarter. He knows that he can come to me with anything that life brings him... he might not always choose to do that, but he knows that I am there. How does he know? Because the first time that he told me that he needed help, I listened. I knew it was real and didn't assume he was just looking for attention. He was looking for attention because he needed help with something that was a bigger problem than he knew how to fix himself.
I thank God for bringing my children into this world and saving my life all of the time. Without them, there are times I don't know where I would be... I KNOW that God opened my eyes and helped me see that my son needed me... he saved me from a nightmare and He saved my son.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The Day Before The Day I Never Thought Would Come....
Yeah, I know, I am not alone and I realize he is ONLY going to be an hour away... do you NOT understand that I have a right as a Mom to still be freaking out? My oldest son, my baby, my monkeybutt, the son that saved my life in more ways than he will ever know... yeah, that one, he is going away to college and TOMORROW is the day he moves in.
Like I said, I know he is not going far but I feel like somehow I am not done yet? I haven't completed my job. I think I was supposed to teach him so much more than I did before he leaves and now he is leaving and it's in less than 24 hours and I am totally nerovus and freaking out on the inside yet trying to stay calm and collected on the outside so he can't tell. I wonder if he can tell? Do you think he knows? I think I have been texting him 20 times a day for the last 2 weeks just checking to make sure he has random things... you know, like Kleenex for when he has a runny nose and enough socks to get him through until he comes home for me to do his laundry and is he going to have enough clean sheets and towels and is there anything else I can buy him that he needs because I am pretty sure that he needs more than he is taking because I feel like I am not taking good enough care of him if I am not right there.
Someone out there needs to tell me PLEASE tell me that I am not the only one the only Mom the only parent to ever freak out like this? My Dad is pretty certain that he never freaked out like this and since my Mom isn't here to ask.... heck, I don't think she freaked out when I left - I was the last of 4 kids though and I certainly don't have a clue what she was like before my brother left. I remember I wasn't exactly phased by it - after all I still had two sisters left at home to deal with so it didn't really matter? I just know, I mean, I know that he isn't gone forever. I know he will be home A LOT and that is a good thing because when he comes home I can smother him and cook for him and clean for him and do his laundry and whatever else he needs from me. But.... it's still, this is the first step of that whole he isn't my little monkey butt anymore...
He was sooo little. He was my little guy just yesterday I am so certain of it. I just had this little buddy that hung out with me when his Daddy was working or fishing... we would hang out, watch Scooby Doo all day and night long... we would eat pancakes for supper because that was all Mommy could cook back then! LOL We would laugh and dance and finger paint and play.... we would take long walks to Nana's house and then be tooo tired to walk back and so Nana would give us a ride home.... He was that little guy that helped his Daddy paint his duck hunting boat and couldn't wait to go hunting with him.... and now.... he is all grown up. And I know that his Dad and I we did out best and hope we taught him all the right things. He is a good kid.... He knows right from wrong and knows what it means to work hard.... I know I am damn proud of him....
I am just not so sure I am ready to let go.... not yet :(
Like I said, I know he is not going far but I feel like somehow I am not done yet? I haven't completed my job. I think I was supposed to teach him so much more than I did before he leaves and now he is leaving and it's in less than 24 hours and I am totally nerovus and freaking out on the inside yet trying to stay calm and collected on the outside so he can't tell. I wonder if he can tell? Do you think he knows? I think I have been texting him 20 times a day for the last 2 weeks just checking to make sure he has random things... you know, like Kleenex for when he has a runny nose and enough socks to get him through until he comes home for me to do his laundry and is he going to have enough clean sheets and towels and is there anything else I can buy him that he needs because I am pretty sure that he needs more than he is taking because I feel like I am not taking good enough care of him if I am not right there.
Someone out there needs to tell me PLEASE tell me that I am not the only one the only Mom the only parent to ever freak out like this? My Dad is pretty certain that he never freaked out like this and since my Mom isn't here to ask.... heck, I don't think she freaked out when I left - I was the last of 4 kids though and I certainly don't have a clue what she was like before my brother left. I remember I wasn't exactly phased by it - after all I still had two sisters left at home to deal with so it didn't really matter? I just know, I mean, I know that he isn't gone forever. I know he will be home A LOT and that is a good thing because when he comes home I can smother him and cook for him and clean for him and do his laundry and whatever else he needs from me. But.... it's still, this is the first step of that whole he isn't my little monkey butt anymore...
He was sooo little. He was my little guy just yesterday I am so certain of it. I just had this little buddy that hung out with me when his Daddy was working or fishing... we would hang out, watch Scooby Doo all day and night long... we would eat pancakes for supper because that was all Mommy could cook back then! LOL We would laugh and dance and finger paint and play.... we would take long walks to Nana's house and then be tooo tired to walk back and so Nana would give us a ride home.... He was that little guy that helped his Daddy paint his duck hunting boat and couldn't wait to go hunting with him.... and now.... he is all grown up. And I know that his Dad and I we did out best and hope we taught him all the right things. He is a good kid.... He knows right from wrong and knows what it means to work hard.... I know I am damn proud of him....
I am just not so sure I am ready to let go.... not yet :(
Sunday, July 31, 2011
He's Still in There
It's been nearly 3 years since the boys have seen their father... and it has been a year since they have talked to him.
Jacob and I have this incredible relationship though. There are no secrets between us though. We talk and I answer all of his questions with an honest but sometimes very broken heart. He will ask me about his Dad. Sometimes I wonder if he asks me because he isn't sure he remembers anymore.
He will question whether or not his Dad liked a certain music group, or food, or if he took him to some place. Lately, it has been kind of sad, when he asks me questions now, he will bring up a story that has Dad had told him and he will ask me if it was true or not. It hurts. I am sure it doesn't just hurt me but I am guessing that the pain in that little boys heart has to be so huge...
How do you answer questions like that? Especially if you know that they aren't true and you have a no lying pact? I don't want to say things to make his Dad look bad. As much as I get angry at his father, I try so hard to still not bad mouth his Dad to him... that is not my job. My job is to be his Mom and to continue to love him and hold him up and give him strength... and to allow him to love his Dad because he is his Dad.
Just the other night, Jacob was playing XBox on the TV in the living room and it was 9pm - it is pretty typical that this is MY time and I usually kick him off.. well he got stubborn and even though I made it easy for him to go upstairs and play on that XBox, he said "No, that's fine, whatever". UGH! his Dad used to do that to me all the time!!!
I got so frustrated!!! I posted on my facebook something regarding how he is JUST like his Father and Jacob made sure to comment on it! It was so funny! I made him come to my bedroom and hug me and we talked about it. He laughed and I think he thought it was kind of cool that even if he is not around his Dad that he has inherited some of his traits. He loves that man... He loves him and I will NEVER take that away from him.
I will continue to protect him from harm and to to do everything I have to do as a Mom to not allow him to get hurt any further. I will continue to protect him from the things that I know that right now he can't handle. I will continue to keep him safe WITH ME. I will continue to love him and his little brother Kyle with my entire heart and they will ALWAYS come first in my life.
It's so hard. For those of you that have a two-parent home or even a home that might be divided but each of you are still a BIG part of your childrens lives - NEVER EVER EVER take that for granted - and NEVER EVER forget how important your children are.
We were once a two-parent home. A little dysfunctional? Hell yeah. But Jacob and Kyle had this Dad that was soooooo incredible, sooooo amazing. He would always put them before anything. He was the best Dad that I could have ever asked for, for my children. He truly was. Never in a million years did I ever guess that I would be here, right here, right now and they would be completely without him in their lives.... that is not the man I remember.
Then again, I am not the same Mom either.
I am stronger. I am better. I am more in love with my children than I ever imagined possible. I love to hear them laugh. I hate to hear them cry. I love the way they take care of me when I need them and I love the way we all love eachother that much more.
He's still in there, he's still inside of them, he always will be - in the way they laugh, the way they love, the way they love their own children some day... and for Jacob, the way he looks! And for all of us, the way we remember the way it was...
He's still in there, and days like today, it still hurts....
Jacob and I have this incredible relationship though. There are no secrets between us though. We talk and I answer all of his questions with an honest but sometimes very broken heart. He will ask me about his Dad. Sometimes I wonder if he asks me because he isn't sure he remembers anymore.
He will question whether or not his Dad liked a certain music group, or food, or if he took him to some place. Lately, it has been kind of sad, when he asks me questions now, he will bring up a story that has Dad had told him and he will ask me if it was true or not. It hurts. I am sure it doesn't just hurt me but I am guessing that the pain in that little boys heart has to be so huge...
How do you answer questions like that? Especially if you know that they aren't true and you have a no lying pact? I don't want to say things to make his Dad look bad. As much as I get angry at his father, I try so hard to still not bad mouth his Dad to him... that is not my job. My job is to be his Mom and to continue to love him and hold him up and give him strength... and to allow him to love his Dad because he is his Dad.
Just the other night, Jacob was playing XBox on the TV in the living room and it was 9pm - it is pretty typical that this is MY time and I usually kick him off.. well he got stubborn and even though I made it easy for him to go upstairs and play on that XBox, he said "No, that's fine, whatever". UGH! his Dad used to do that to me all the time!!!
I got so frustrated!!! I posted on my facebook something regarding how he is JUST like his Father and Jacob made sure to comment on it! It was so funny! I made him come to my bedroom and hug me and we talked about it. He laughed and I think he thought it was kind of cool that even if he is not around his Dad that he has inherited some of his traits. He loves that man... He loves him and I will NEVER take that away from him.
I will continue to protect him from harm and to to do everything I have to do as a Mom to not allow him to get hurt any further. I will continue to protect him from the things that I know that right now he can't handle. I will continue to keep him safe WITH ME. I will continue to love him and his little brother Kyle with my entire heart and they will ALWAYS come first in my life.
It's so hard. For those of you that have a two-parent home or even a home that might be divided but each of you are still a BIG part of your childrens lives - NEVER EVER EVER take that for granted - and NEVER EVER forget how important your children are.
We were once a two-parent home. A little dysfunctional? Hell yeah. But Jacob and Kyle had this Dad that was soooooo incredible, sooooo amazing. He would always put them before anything. He was the best Dad that I could have ever asked for, for my children. He truly was. Never in a million years did I ever guess that I would be here, right here, right now and they would be completely without him in their lives.... that is not the man I remember.
Then again, I am not the same Mom either.
I am stronger. I am better. I am more in love with my children than I ever imagined possible. I love to hear them laugh. I hate to hear them cry. I love the way they take care of me when I need them and I love the way we all love eachother that much more.
He's still in there, he's still inside of them, he always will be - in the way they laugh, the way they love, the way they love their own children some day... and for Jacob, the way he looks! And for all of us, the way we remember the way it was...
He's still in there, and days like today, it still hurts....
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Hurting on the Inside
It's hard, sometimes, when you look at them.
On the outside, they have these little faces. Their eyes are so bright and their smiles are so amazing. Yet at times, they do things that make you stop in your tracks and wonder "where did that come from?" or "where in the world did you hear that word?"
The anger that comes from seemingly nowhere.
It's enough to break your heart.
It's enough to break anyone's heart.
My little boy, he comes to me sometimes with these tears gathered up in his eyes that are so big at times. I am not sure what goes on inside that head of his but I know he is so angry. He doesn't mean to say things to people that are hurtful. He doesn't really want to be so mad. He misses his Dad so much that he doesn't know what to do with that pain.
He sits next to me. He'll put his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I am so bad Mommy". He will say to me.
His words make my eyes fill with tears and my heart fill with hurt. I don't like feeling angry anymore. I don't like to blame. The frustration I once carried toward the absence of his father has mostly left me but on days like this, it fills me up again. I wish he was here with me. I wish he was here with us. I wish, sometimes, we were a family again. Only sometimes, so I could make the pain inside my little boys heart go away.
When you chose to have a child, no one tells you all the things that you will have to do as a parent. They don't tell you about the boo-boo's you will have to kiss. They don't mention the puke you will have to wipe off your face or the conversations you will hear. Heck, I am pretty sure you aren't taught much of anything. I sure wish they would teach you how to take away the hurt from inside their hearts when they get broken though... because that kind of pain? I think it is worse than any broken heart I have ever felt as a grown up.
On the outside, they have these little faces. Their eyes are so bright and their smiles are so amazing. Yet at times, they do things that make you stop in your tracks and wonder "where did that come from?" or "where in the world did you hear that word?"
The anger that comes from seemingly nowhere.
It's enough to break your heart.
It's enough to break anyone's heart.
My little boy, he comes to me sometimes with these tears gathered up in his eyes that are so big at times. I am not sure what goes on inside that head of his but I know he is so angry. He doesn't mean to say things to people that are hurtful. He doesn't really want to be so mad. He misses his Dad so much that he doesn't know what to do with that pain.
He sits next to me. He'll put his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I am so bad Mommy". He will say to me.
His words make my eyes fill with tears and my heart fill with hurt. I don't like feeling angry anymore. I don't like to blame. The frustration I once carried toward the absence of his father has mostly left me but on days like this, it fills me up again. I wish he was here with me. I wish he was here with us. I wish, sometimes, we were a family again. Only sometimes, so I could make the pain inside my little boys heart go away.
When you chose to have a child, no one tells you all the things that you will have to do as a parent. They don't tell you about the boo-boo's you will have to kiss. They don't mention the puke you will have to wipe off your face or the conversations you will hear. Heck, I am pretty sure you aren't taught much of anything. I sure wish they would teach you how to take away the hurt from inside their hearts when they get broken though... because that kind of pain? I think it is worse than any broken heart I have ever felt as a grown up.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Sometimes He Needs Me...
Sunday afternoon football... something his Daddy and I used to enjoy watching together. I found it hard last year to have any interest in it at all, and this year - I am back - at least a little bit.
I normally sit and watch part of the games and usually find myself getting up at half time and being "done" for the day. But yesterday, it was different.
Jacob was very cozy with me yesterday. I didn't read all the signs right, but he was definately in the mood for hanging out with mom. We watched football together and then just snuggled on the couch - watched Drake 'n Josh and then the Big Time Rush Christmas Special.... it was sweet.
I ran to my Dad's house for about 2 hours to do some laundry (our wash machine died :( earlier in the week) and by the time I returned, he had sent me 3 text messages inquiring when I would be back...
The last message told me that he didn't feel good.
Hmm.... I should have guessed that, but I didn't see it. I was too busy all day, soaking up the love and attention from my little boy that is growing so fast.... I missed all the signs.
By the time I got home he was running a fever and complained his throat hurt "really really" bad. My guess was that he likely had strep, as it was going around the schools. I figured I would need to figure out how to get him to the doctor the next day. The problem? I was scheduled to work a full day.
I spent the rest of the night trying to find someone, anyone, to cover my shift. I called 4 different stores and got the names of all the possible replacements and no one. Not one person could take my shift.
I gave Jacob the news and, well, he got a little bit... sad. Not that he doesn't like Dean, but he really would rather be at home with Mom.
I hugged him tight and told him not to fret. I would pray hard that something would work out by the morning and that I would see what I could do...
I was so heart broken... I cried myself to sleep too.
This morning, I woke Kyle up for school quietly. I didn't want to wake my snoring little goose Jacob up so early. I figured the sleep he was getting would be the best thing for him.
Dean volunteered to drive Kyle into town for school so I could climb back in bed... right before I reached the stairs, Jacob woke up. I told him to make himself comfy on the couch and try to get back to sleep and if he needed me, I would be in my bed for a little while.
I walked up the stairs, opened the curtain for my bedroom, climbed up on the bed and laid my head on the pillow... it was just what I needed when Jacob ran up the stairs crying...
"Mom, I just threw up!"
Yeah... he puked on the blanket on the couch. He didn't quite make it to the bathroom.
I instructed him to head to the bathroom... I don't know what my brain was thinking but it must have known the future because by the time he reached the bathroom, he threw up again.
By this time, i think I called one of my coworkers numbers like 3 times, in hopes she would answer and hope she could cover my shift... I could not leave this little boy alone today...
After tucking him in and assuring him again that I hadn't given up, I laid back down for a bit too.
And then... just like that, it all worked out. My shift got covered and I was able to spend the day with my not-so-little-anymore guy.
We had a good day together and he seemed to be feeling better. Although as the end of the day approached, he complained of his throat again.
I called the doctor and got him in right away...
I knew they would need to take a swab of his throat and I knew personally how much those sucked but I tried to convince him he would be fine.
Well, let's just say, it didn't go very well and just when I thought my little boy was all grown up and didn't need his Mom anymore, he most definately needed me.
And I was there.
I was there to hold his hand and to brush his hair from his forehead... just as I did when he was little.
There have been so many times in my life that I kick myself for not being there enough. I missed so many days because I had to always work...
But he still needs me and he still loves me and the greatest part of all is that he knows that no matter what, he will always have me too.
I normally sit and watch part of the games and usually find myself getting up at half time and being "done" for the day. But yesterday, it was different.
Jacob was very cozy with me yesterday. I didn't read all the signs right, but he was definately in the mood for hanging out with mom. We watched football together and then just snuggled on the couch - watched Drake 'n Josh and then the Big Time Rush Christmas Special.... it was sweet.
I ran to my Dad's house for about 2 hours to do some laundry (our wash machine died :( earlier in the week) and by the time I returned, he had sent me 3 text messages inquiring when I would be back...
The last message told me that he didn't feel good.
Hmm.... I should have guessed that, but I didn't see it. I was too busy all day, soaking up the love and attention from my little boy that is growing so fast.... I missed all the signs.
By the time I got home he was running a fever and complained his throat hurt "really really" bad. My guess was that he likely had strep, as it was going around the schools. I figured I would need to figure out how to get him to the doctor the next day. The problem? I was scheduled to work a full day.
I spent the rest of the night trying to find someone, anyone, to cover my shift. I called 4 different stores and got the names of all the possible replacements and no one. Not one person could take my shift.
I gave Jacob the news and, well, he got a little bit... sad. Not that he doesn't like Dean, but he really would rather be at home with Mom.
I hugged him tight and told him not to fret. I would pray hard that something would work out by the morning and that I would see what I could do...
I was so heart broken... I cried myself to sleep too.
This morning, I woke Kyle up for school quietly. I didn't want to wake my snoring little goose Jacob up so early. I figured the sleep he was getting would be the best thing for him.
Dean volunteered to drive Kyle into town for school so I could climb back in bed... right before I reached the stairs, Jacob woke up. I told him to make himself comfy on the couch and try to get back to sleep and if he needed me, I would be in my bed for a little while.
I walked up the stairs, opened the curtain for my bedroom, climbed up on the bed and laid my head on the pillow... it was just what I needed when Jacob ran up the stairs crying...
"Mom, I just threw up!"
Yeah... he puked on the blanket on the couch. He didn't quite make it to the bathroom.
I instructed him to head to the bathroom... I don't know what my brain was thinking but it must have known the future because by the time he reached the bathroom, he threw up again.
By this time, i think I called one of my coworkers numbers like 3 times, in hopes she would answer and hope she could cover my shift... I could not leave this little boy alone today...
After tucking him in and assuring him again that I hadn't given up, I laid back down for a bit too.
And then... just like that, it all worked out. My shift got covered and I was able to spend the day with my not-so-little-anymore guy.
We had a good day together and he seemed to be feeling better. Although as the end of the day approached, he complained of his throat again.
I called the doctor and got him in right away...
I knew they would need to take a swab of his throat and I knew personally how much those sucked but I tried to convince him he would be fine.
Well, let's just say, it didn't go very well and just when I thought my little boy was all grown up and didn't need his Mom anymore, he most definately needed me.
And I was there.
I was there to hold his hand and to brush his hair from his forehead... just as I did when he was little.
There have been so many times in my life that I kick myself for not being there enough. I missed so many days because I had to always work...
But he still needs me and he still loves me and the greatest part of all is that he knows that no matter what, he will always have me too.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
So Much
So much has happened in the lives of my children that I haven't taken time to write down. I look back now and wish I would have taken that video recorder out more than I did. I wish that I would have kept that notebook with me everywhere I went - to capture all of those little moments...
When you are first becoming a mom, so many people tell you to do all of those things. They tell you to take pictures as much as you can and make sure you write on the back of them - I haven't figured out how to write on the backs of the ones on my computer yet, but I did good on the paper ones for a while!
I know that no one is perfect. I realize that neglecting to do those things does not make me a bad mom. But somehow, I wish I could go back and do all of those things...
Since the start of the school year, I have drifted back into the memories of Travis being little a lot. In fact, to think that he is going to graduate from high school this year frightens me greatly!! Where did the time go? What happened to that little boy that used to play tee ball in Nana's front yard and dig worms with her? So many moments... his first black eye, our long walk to Nana's house across town one day, the day I brought Alex home from the hospital....
I remember there were so many times that I would lose Travis and Alex to their Dad after our divorce. I was certain that because I didn't have any money, they wouldn't want to be with me. And now, Travis is going to leave me, but to go on with life, the way I always dreamed of. And Alex? Well, he started his freshman year and just recently made me realize that despite all of the mistakes I have made in life, I am exactly what I always wanted to be...
He told me one day that he liked being at his Dad's because his Dad had money and spent it on them, but he liked being with me because he felt that he could talk to me about his personal life and school stuff...
I wouldn't trade places in the entire world...
So much has gone wrong, so many mistakes have been made, but I am so happy being right where I am - with them, watching them grow - not from the outside looking in - but right there, by their side.
When you are first becoming a mom, so many people tell you to do all of those things. They tell you to take pictures as much as you can and make sure you write on the back of them - I haven't figured out how to write on the backs of the ones on my computer yet, but I did good on the paper ones for a while!
I know that no one is perfect. I realize that neglecting to do those things does not make me a bad mom. But somehow, I wish I could go back and do all of those things...
Since the start of the school year, I have drifted back into the memories of Travis being little a lot. In fact, to think that he is going to graduate from high school this year frightens me greatly!! Where did the time go? What happened to that little boy that used to play tee ball in Nana's front yard and dig worms with her? So many moments... his first black eye, our long walk to Nana's house across town one day, the day I brought Alex home from the hospital....
I remember there were so many times that I would lose Travis and Alex to their Dad after our divorce. I was certain that because I didn't have any money, they wouldn't want to be with me. And now, Travis is going to leave me, but to go on with life, the way I always dreamed of. And Alex? Well, he started his freshman year and just recently made me realize that despite all of the mistakes I have made in life, I am exactly what I always wanted to be...
He told me one day that he liked being at his Dad's because his Dad had money and spent it on them, but he liked being with me because he felt that he could talk to me about his personal life and school stuff...
I wouldn't trade places in the entire world...
So much has gone wrong, so many mistakes have been made, but I am so happy being right where I am - with them, watching them grow - not from the outside looking in - but right there, by their side.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
My Mothers Day Lunch to Remember
Since Mother's Day is never an easy time for me, Dean wanted to try really hard to make it something special for me this year.
He started out by purchasing a laptop for me for my gift from him and the kids. Something I would hold dear to my heart so I could start writing again...
Then this morning he woke me up early and informed me we were going away for the day.
We went shopping in Madison. Something we have learned to enjoy doing. After going to Half Price Books (which has become one of my favorite places to go) and a trip to the hobby shop (one of Dean's favorite places to go) he tells Jacob and Kyle, "We are going to take Mama someplace nice for lunch today to celebrate Mothers Day."
Kyle and Jacob immediately start throwing out suggestions...
Dean says, "No, no, no... I thought we would take her someplace nice."
Kyle chimes in, "Oh! You mean like the food court!!"
We all had a great laugh. It was the cutest thing he could possibly say at that moment. I guess to him, the food court was pretty amazing!!
I was supposed to pick the place. Something I really suck at because I can never decide what I want and, as a mom, I do always have the boys tastes in mind. Especially Kyle - after all, he tends to only eat chicken.
Dean spots a place that he had heard had great food. He had never been there before, but we decided we would check it out. It was a pub/eatery. I suppose similar to that of an Apple B's or something? We don't know what to expect but it looks good and not that busy.
Dean drops the boys and I off at the door and he goes to park the car. When he walks in, he checks us in and turns back at me with this smile. I can't explain it, but usually when he smiles with his dimples, something is brewing... I hadn't walked in the door yet, but when I did, I saw why the dimples were there...
The waitresses were dressed... well, you have to go to the link to check it out...
http://www,tiltedkilt.com/
Now, my boys IMMEDIATELY started to smile. Poor little Jacob climbed up in the booth and started to put his head down - not sure what to think.
Deans says to him, "Don't worry Jacob, soon enough you will grow up and you won't be able to take your eyes off of them."
Let's just say about 20 minutes later, Jacob looks at me and smiles and says, "Guess I am growing up already!"
I know, maybe I should have been offended, but it really was done in taste and the food was SO GOOD!! Jacob had a cheeseburger and said it was the best!
I had a great lunch - with my boys and something tells me it is a memory that none of us, especially them, will never forget!!
He started out by purchasing a laptop for me for my gift from him and the kids. Something I would hold dear to my heart so I could start writing again...
Then this morning he woke me up early and informed me we were going away for the day.
We went shopping in Madison. Something we have learned to enjoy doing. After going to Half Price Books (which has become one of my favorite places to go) and a trip to the hobby shop (one of Dean's favorite places to go) he tells Jacob and Kyle, "We are going to take Mama someplace nice for lunch today to celebrate Mothers Day."
Kyle and Jacob immediately start throwing out suggestions...
Dean says, "No, no, no... I thought we would take her someplace nice."
Kyle chimes in, "Oh! You mean like the food court!!"
We all had a great laugh. It was the cutest thing he could possibly say at that moment. I guess to him, the food court was pretty amazing!!
I was supposed to pick the place. Something I really suck at because I can never decide what I want and, as a mom, I do always have the boys tastes in mind. Especially Kyle - after all, he tends to only eat chicken.
Dean spots a place that he had heard had great food. He had never been there before, but we decided we would check it out. It was a pub/eatery. I suppose similar to that of an Apple B's or something? We don't know what to expect but it looks good and not that busy.
Dean drops the boys and I off at the door and he goes to park the car. When he walks in, he checks us in and turns back at me with this smile. I can't explain it, but usually when he smiles with his dimples, something is brewing... I hadn't walked in the door yet, but when I did, I saw why the dimples were there...
The waitresses were dressed... well, you have to go to the link to check it out...
http://www,tiltedkilt.com/
Now, my boys IMMEDIATELY started to smile. Poor little Jacob climbed up in the booth and started to put his head down - not sure what to think.
Deans says to him, "Don't worry Jacob, soon enough you will grow up and you won't be able to take your eyes off of them."
Let's just say about 20 minutes later, Jacob looks at me and smiles and says, "Guess I am growing up already!"
I know, maybe I should have been offended, but it really was done in taste and the food was SO GOOD!! Jacob had a cheeseburger and said it was the best!
I had a great lunch - with my boys and something tells me it is a memory that none of us, especially them, will never forget!!
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Even at the Grocery Store
Anyone that tells you taking your children to the grocery store adds money to your bill and a little stress to the trip, is not lying, usually!
I typically tend to shop when my children at home... wait, let me correct that, I usually tend to shop when my older boys are at home to watch my little ones... I find that I can get in, get what I need and get out with a whole lot less stress and a lot less money spent on things like junk food.
Monday, I picked my boys up from school and now because I no longer live right in town, it only made sense to run to the store while in town for the few things I needed for dinner. I was going for taco shells, sour cream and lettuce.
Well, Jacob and Kyle came in with me and though they did not add to the list too much personally, they tried. Funny though, they add things like apples, bananas, and poptarts.
Jacob was in a particular mood. Something about him. He likes to take care of me and likes to know everything about everything I do. So when I put the celery in the cart, he asked me, "Who eats celery Mama?"
I informed him that I do and wanted to buy some to help me with my diet.
"Oh, you are on a diet Mama? Good. I know you think you are fat" he smiled "I didn't know you were on a diet."
We continued through the store and, yes, I did buy a few things I hadn't planned on but since their snacks usually are things like string cheese, chocolate milk and apples, I couldn't complain.
When we reached the check out, Jacob was sure to inform our cashier that I was on a diet. It was funny. He told her that he was being helpful to me because it was good for my diet. I was so thankful that I had picked my friend Janice's check out lane. She found Jacob and Kyle to be entertaining I think. They were both being so goofy.
The best part of the trip was when I was pushing the cart out to the car. Kyle was standing on the cart in front of me and Jacob was hanging on the back. Just like that, he looked at me with that funny Jacob smile and started flapping his arms...
"I a bird Mommy" he said in a cute baby-talk, "Look Mommy, I flying away".
I couldn't help but laugh and laugh and laugh some more...
And I thought I was going to regret having to take them to the store with me.
It made my day.
I typically tend to shop when my children at home... wait, let me correct that, I usually tend to shop when my older boys are at home to watch my little ones... I find that I can get in, get what I need and get out with a whole lot less stress and a lot less money spent on things like junk food.
Monday, I picked my boys up from school and now because I no longer live right in town, it only made sense to run to the store while in town for the few things I needed for dinner. I was going for taco shells, sour cream and lettuce.
Well, Jacob and Kyle came in with me and though they did not add to the list too much personally, they tried. Funny though, they add things like apples, bananas, and poptarts.
Jacob was in a particular mood. Something about him. He likes to take care of me and likes to know everything about everything I do. So when I put the celery in the cart, he asked me, "Who eats celery Mama?"
I informed him that I do and wanted to buy some to help me with my diet.
"Oh, you are on a diet Mama? Good. I know you think you are fat" he smiled "I didn't know you were on a diet."
We continued through the store and, yes, I did buy a few things I hadn't planned on but since their snacks usually are things like string cheese, chocolate milk and apples, I couldn't complain.
When we reached the check out, Jacob was sure to inform our cashier that I was on a diet. It was funny. He told her that he was being helpful to me because it was good for my diet. I was so thankful that I had picked my friend Janice's check out lane. She found Jacob and Kyle to be entertaining I think. They were both being so goofy.
The best part of the trip was when I was pushing the cart out to the car. Kyle was standing on the cart in front of me and Jacob was hanging on the back. Just like that, he looked at me with that funny Jacob smile and started flapping his arms...
"I a bird Mommy" he said in a cute baby-talk, "Look Mommy, I flying away".
I couldn't help but laugh and laugh and laugh some more...
And I thought I was going to regret having to take them to the store with me.
It made my day.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Remembering...
Looking back, I would never change the years I had with Jacob and Kyle's Dad. Mark is still one of the most amazing men I will ever be lucky enough to know and love.
I found myself giving his advice to a good friend of mine - a young high school girl that goes to our church... and all the while, smiling inside at the girl I used to be before he fell in love with me. Remembering how worried I always was and how uptight I used to be about everything. I never could relax and laugh or just be me...
The advice he would give me was to live life for the moment and not worry so much about the things you can't control...
When I gave this advice to my friend, and told her where I learned it from, Jacob heard me and left the room.
A minute or two later, he came back and patted me on the back and said, "My Daddy is a pretty smart man".
I could tell without looking at him that he had cried a little - just by the tone he gets in his voice...
It saddened me to know that something so small could bring a tear to his eye. It's one of those things you deal with, when you choose to get a divorce. Knowing the pain in the heart of your child is your fault.
I turned to Jacob and smiled at him...
"You're Daddy is an amazing man, and you, my sweet boy, are just like him"
"But I thought you hated Daddy?" he said to me, with a laugh.
He and I had been talking about this a lot lately. He knows I don't hate his Daddy. In fact, he knows I love him very much. I think, though, it would be easier for him, as a child, to understand why his Dad and I aren't together anymore, if we really did hate one another...
Instead of trying to hate him, or ever speaking about him negatively, I REMEMBER him.
I remember the moments we all had as a family when we laughed and loved.
It's easier to help a child that is torn apart by their broken family to remember the good and remember the laughs and remember the love. They don't want to hear how you fought or argued or "never got along" - whatever the case may be. They know those things happened. Trust me, they remember.
I have been trying so hard to raise four amazing children.
I have made mistakes.
I have made countless mistakes...
My older two children may never forgive me for the mistakes I have made.
I pray in my heart that they will some day.
But I know, they too remember... they remember the bad, the negative, the hatred, the yelling, the fighting, the criticizing, the words that hurt them...
At their age, its hard for me to make them forget by smothering them with love...
Remembering life...
Remembering moments...
Remembering love...
Maybe it would be better if we all had the secret little "guns" they had on "Men in Black" that could make you forget...not just for a little while, but forever....
Maybe then, just for one night, I could tuck those two little guys in, my little Jacob especially, without the tears in his eyes when he prays for his Daddy...
Then again... I am glad he doesn't forget what an amazing man he is and what an amazing Daddy he was... maybe it will help his Daddy remember too...
I found myself giving his advice to a good friend of mine - a young high school girl that goes to our church... and all the while, smiling inside at the girl I used to be before he fell in love with me. Remembering how worried I always was and how uptight I used to be about everything. I never could relax and laugh or just be me...
The advice he would give me was to live life for the moment and not worry so much about the things you can't control...
When I gave this advice to my friend, and told her where I learned it from, Jacob heard me and left the room.
A minute or two later, he came back and patted me on the back and said, "My Daddy is a pretty smart man".
I could tell without looking at him that he had cried a little - just by the tone he gets in his voice...
It saddened me to know that something so small could bring a tear to his eye. It's one of those things you deal with, when you choose to get a divorce. Knowing the pain in the heart of your child is your fault.
I turned to Jacob and smiled at him...
"You're Daddy is an amazing man, and you, my sweet boy, are just like him"
"But I thought you hated Daddy?" he said to me, with a laugh.
He and I had been talking about this a lot lately. He knows I don't hate his Daddy. In fact, he knows I love him very much. I think, though, it would be easier for him, as a child, to understand why his Dad and I aren't together anymore, if we really did hate one another...
Instead of trying to hate him, or ever speaking about him negatively, I REMEMBER him.
I remember the moments we all had as a family when we laughed and loved.
It's easier to help a child that is torn apart by their broken family to remember the good and remember the laughs and remember the love. They don't want to hear how you fought or argued or "never got along" - whatever the case may be. They know those things happened. Trust me, they remember.
I have been trying so hard to raise four amazing children.
I have made mistakes.
I have made countless mistakes...
My older two children may never forgive me for the mistakes I have made.
I pray in my heart that they will some day.
But I know, they too remember... they remember the bad, the negative, the hatred, the yelling, the fighting, the criticizing, the words that hurt them...
At their age, its hard for me to make them forget by smothering them with love...
Remembering life...
Remembering moments...
Remembering love...
Maybe it would be better if we all had the secret little "guns" they had on "Men in Black" that could make you forget...not just for a little while, but forever....
Maybe then, just for one night, I could tuck those two little guys in, my little Jacob especially, without the tears in his eyes when he prays for his Daddy...
Then again... I am glad he doesn't forget what an amazing man he is and what an amazing Daddy he was... maybe it will help his Daddy remember too...
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