A Mother's Nightmare

I stood there in the triage room with him sitting just to the right of me and his Dad standing behind me.  He was explaininig to the nurse why we were there. He told her he "guessed" it was because he had thought about killing himself. 

"and have you ever attempted this before?" the nurse asked him, not with any feeling or emotion, just like any other question. Just like you would ask if you have ever had a cough before. It seemed so strange to me.

"yes" he answered.

At that moment, I stopped paying attention to the nurse and found myself standing directly behind him.  I immediately began rubbing his back and holding onto his chair.  I felt like my heart had fallen directly into my stomach.  I started to cry but didn't want him to know and didn't know how to hide it.  I remember looking over to his Dad because I so badly wanted someone to comfort me or to tell me it was going to be ok.  His Dad offered me a look, I suppose that was all he could do given the fact that we haven't been together in over 15 years, and at that moment I turned back to my son.

It was so strange.  I don't remember any other questions that were asked of him.  I stood there, rubbing his back, holding that chair for strength and all i could do is try to determine where I went wrong.  What did I do?  Instead of my own life flashing befoe my eyes, like they say happens when you die, HIS entire life flashed before my eyes....  I remembered so much.  I remembered giving birth to him, the moment they laid him on my chest.  I remembered him crawling and sitting in his high chair being silly.  I remembered his chicken pox.  I remembered his brother reading books to him when he was just a baby.  I recalled when I had been pregnant with his little brother, the way he used to sit with me when I was on bed rest and watch cartoons.  I remembered all the little moments and the big ones too.  I kept running it through my head... over and over and over and over.  The more I ran it through my head the faster I felt my hand move on his back and I had to stop myself.  I felt my tears running down my face.

I pulled myself together.  I tried to not think about it the rest of the time I was there.  I was attentive and wanted to make sure we, his father and I, were making all the right decisions.  Bringing him there was the right choice.  Getting him help was right.  Leaving at the end of the night without him, no matter how wrong it felt, I had to know it was the right choice.

I waited until I got home that night, away from his Dad, away from the world, and then I cried.  I felt guilty.  I felt I had done something wrong.  it was all my fault. I think as a parent, it is the hardest thing to ever hear... it was worse than anything I have experienced this far in my life.

A few days later, he came home.  He smiled.  He told me he loved me.  He has down days yet.  Days when I am sure that staying in bed seems like a much better option than facing the world, but when he has good days, he smiles and laughs and it makes my heart feel so much better.

I have always told him how much I loved him.  I have always told him that one of the things that i loved so much about him was his ability to be unique, independent, to not care what the rest of the world thought about him... what I didn't realize was that he DID really care what the rest of the world thoguht... it's hard to be a kid and to feel acceptance.  It sucks that kids can't understand that individuality is an amazing gift, not a curse. 

My son, he is an amazing gift.  Each day that he is part of my life I am so grateful that he is here.  He makes me laugh, he challenges me at times but without those challenges I wouldn't become stronger and smarter.  He knows that he can come to me with anything that life brings him... he might not always choose to do that, but he knows that I am there.  How does he know?  Because the first time that he told me that he needed help, I listened.  I knew it was real and didn't assume he was just looking for attention.  He was looking for attention because he needed help with something that was a bigger problem than he knew how to fix himself.

I thank God for bringing my children into this world and saving my life all of the time.  Without them, there are times I don't know where I would be... I KNOW that God opened my eyes and helped me see that my son needed me... he saved me from a nightmare and He saved my son.