He's Still in There

It's been nearly 3 years since the boys have seen their father... and it has been a year since they have talked to him.

Jacob and I have this incredible relationship though. There are no secrets between us though. We talk and I answer all of his questions with an honest but sometimes very broken heart. He will ask me about his Dad. Sometimes I wonder if he asks me because he isn't sure he remembers anymore.

He will question whether or not his Dad liked a certain music group, or food, or if he took him to some place. Lately, it has been kind of sad, when he asks me questions now, he will bring up a story that has Dad had told him and he will ask me if it was true or not. It hurts. I am sure it doesn't just hurt me but I am guessing that the pain in that little boys heart has to be so huge...

How do you answer questions like that? Especially if you know that they aren't true and you have a no lying pact? I don't want to say things to make his Dad look bad. As much as I get angry at his father, I try so hard to still not bad mouth his Dad to him... that is not my job. My job is to be his Mom and to continue to love him and hold him up and give him strength... and to allow him to love his Dad because he is his Dad.

Just the other night, Jacob was playing XBox on the TV in the living room and it was 9pm - it is pretty typical that this is MY time and I usually kick him off.. well he got stubborn and even though I made it easy for him to go upstairs and play on that XBox, he said "No, that's fine, whatever". UGH! his Dad used to do that to me all the time!!!

I got so frustrated!!! I posted on my facebook something regarding how he is JUST like his Father and Jacob made sure to comment on it! It was so funny! I made him come to my bedroom and hug me and we talked about it. He laughed and I think he thought it was kind of cool that even if he is not around his Dad that he has inherited some of his traits. He loves that man... He loves him and I will NEVER take that away from him.

I will continue to protect him from harm and to to do everything I have to do as a Mom to not allow him to get hurt any further. I will continue to protect him from the things that I know that right now he can't handle. I will continue to keep him safe WITH ME. I will continue to love him and his little brother Kyle with my entire heart and they will ALWAYS come first in my life.

It's so hard. For those of you that have a two-parent home or even a home that might be divided but each of you are still a BIG part of your childrens lives - NEVER EVER EVER take that for granted - and NEVER EVER forget how important your children are.

We were once a two-parent home. A little dysfunctional? Hell yeah. But Jacob and Kyle had this Dad that was soooooo incredible, sooooo amazing. He would always put them before anything. He was the best Dad that I could have ever asked for, for my children. He truly was. Never in a million years did I ever guess that I would be here, right here, right now and they would be completely without him in their lives.... that is not the man I remember.

Then again, I am not the same Mom either.

I am stronger. I am better. I am more in love with my children than I ever imagined possible. I love to hear them laugh. I hate to hear them cry. I love the way they take care of me when I need them and I love the way we all love eachother that much more.

He's still in there, he's still inside of them, he always will be - in the way they laugh, the way they love, the way they love their own children some day... and for Jacob, the way he looks! And for all of us, the way we remember the way it was...

He's still in there, and days like today, it still hurts....