So Much

So much has happened in the lives of my children that I haven't taken time to write down.  I look back now and wish I would have taken that video recorder out more than I did.  I wish that I would have kept that notebook with me everywhere I went - to capture all of those little moments...

When you are first becoming a mom, so many people tell you to do all of those things.  They tell you to take pictures as much as you can and make sure you write on the back of them - I haven't figured out how to write on the backs of the ones on my computer yet, but I did good on the paper ones for a while!

I know that no one is perfect.  I realize that neglecting to do those things does not make me a bad mom.  But somehow, I wish I could go back and do all of those things...

Since the start of the school year, I have drifted back into the memories of Travis being little a lot.  In fact, to think that he is going to graduate from high school this year frightens me greatly!!  Where did the time go?  What happened to that little boy that used to play tee ball in Nana's front yard and dig worms with her?  So many moments... his first black eye, our long walk to Nana's house across town one day, the day I brought Alex home from the hospital.... 

I remember there were so many times that I would lose Travis and Alex to their Dad after our divorce.  I was certain that because I didn't have any money, they wouldn't want to be with me.  And now, Travis is going to leave me, but to go on with life, the way I always dreamed of.  And Alex?  Well, he started his freshman year and just recently made me realize that despite all of the mistakes I have made in life, I am exactly what I always wanted to be...

He told me one day that he liked being at his Dad's because his Dad had money and spent it on them, but he liked being with me because he felt that he could talk to me about his personal life and school stuff...

I wouldn't trade places in the entire world...

So much has gone wrong, so many mistakes have been made, but I am so happy being right where I am - with them, watching them grow - not from the outside looking in - but right there, by their side.