Hardest Times

You know, it seems just as I have made it through what seems to be the "hardest day ever", life throws me another curve ball, another mountain, another obstacle in my path.

I have learned that being a Mom is something that just doesn't get any easier no matter how old your children become.

I looked back through my blog the other night and recalled when some of my toughest days were when I was running late and had a baby to get ready and Jacob to chase down and the boys ready for school....  Gosh, what I wouldn't give to go back to the times when the worst thing that happened to me all day was that I forgot to put enough diapers in the diaper bag.

I am not saying being a Mom during the early years is easy - trust me - sometimes I am in such aw of the Moms I know that have 2 or 3 little ones 3 and under.  I watch them gather them up and travel places like it is as easy as tying a shoe....  I struggle sometimes getting all 4 of my boys out the door to take one little photo and they are 20, 17, 13, and 9!!   Yes, being a Mom is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world. You don't receive any monetary rewards but the love you get back from your children, that is enough to fill your world full of  happiness.

The days you might find awful are the days your children think they hate you.  The days they tell you to "Go to hell" or to "leave them the fuck alone"... ah yes - in a perfect world, those days would never come... I never thought my children would say those things to me but they have and it happens... then they come back and they remind me that they love me and they are sorry.

I have struggled so much lately, keeping my children from hurt.  The heartbreaks, the sadness.... I often times feel like I have failed somehow when they hurt so much.  It is only when I recall my younger years that I realize that those things are just a part of life and it really isn't my fault that they hurt so much.

I would give anything in the world to take all of their pain away.  I would take their place if I could but I
know, deep down, that it is in those hard spots that my children are, yet again, growing - right before my eyes.

When children are little - we measure their growth on charts - how tall they have gotten, how much they weigh - how big their head is! But when they stop physically growing - the emotional growth, personal growth - the things you can't chart - those are the things that make us really feel, really know, that our children are not little any longer.

My boys... all 4 of my boys.... they have my heart by little strings.  They know which ones to tug at, which ones to pull hard and which ones to twist to get the things that they need from me.  I think that each of them know that, ultimately, I would give up anything in the world to make their worlds a better place.

Sometimes, we get mad at eachother.

Sometimes, we slam doors.

Sometimes we say things that hurt....

But at the end of the day, they know I can't sleep if we are fighting.  They know I will be a mess if we don't "fix" the problem.  They know, that no matter how hard the road gets, I am going to help them find a way to get down it and to a better place.

I love those boys.  No matter how hard being a Mom might be, there is no other job I would want to have....

They are my world, through good times, bad and especially through the hardest times of our lives....