I was sitting in bed the other morning, watching Pokemon with Jacob and Kyle before school... just like we do every morning. Only, this time, I wasn't really paying that much atention; as I had my head buried in the book "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Apparently, there was some commercial or something on, and in it, there must have been some reference to girls and how they get in a boys way. Suddenly my NOW 12 year old (it scares me to believe he is really that age) Jacob says outloud:
"Yep, that is why I am going to build myself a MAN CAVE".
He caught my attention. I set my book in mmy lap and look strangely at him...
"Excuse me?" I question, "You are only 12 years old. How in the WORLD do you even know what a MAN CAVE is?"
He looks at me and laughs.
"A man cave is a place where us men can get away from WOMEN!" he says with confidence and his little "Jacob flare" as I like to call it.
That boy has always made me laugh. I can't help but laugh this time.
He looks over at Kyle and says to him, "Yep, and only me, Alex and Scott are allowed."
Kyle, a bit offended, looks at him and says, "What about me?"
Jacob laughs again, and says "Ha! You are only a boy - only Men will be allowed".
Crazy.
12 years old and he has it all figured out!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Thursday, November 10, 2011
A Mother's Nightmare
I stood there in the triage room with him sitting just to the right of me and his Dad standing behind me. He was explaininig to the nurse why we were there. He told her he "guessed" it was because he had thought about killing himself.
"and have you ever attempted this before?" the nurse asked him, not with any feeling or emotion, just like any other question. Just like you would ask if you have ever had a cough before. It seemed so strange to me.
"yes" he answered.
At that moment, I stopped paying attention to the nurse and found myself standing directly behind him. I immediately began rubbing his back and holding onto his chair. I felt like my heart had fallen directly into my stomach. I started to cry but didn't want him to know and didn't know how to hide it. I remember looking over to his Dad because I so badly wanted someone to comfort me or to tell me it was going to be ok. His Dad offered me a look, I suppose that was all he could do given the fact that we haven't been together in over 15 years, and at that moment I turned back to my son.
It was so strange. I don't remember any other questions that were asked of him. I stood there, rubbing his back, holding that chair for strength and all i could do is try to determine where I went wrong. What did I do? Instead of my own life flashing befoe my eyes, like they say happens when you die, HIS entire life flashed before my eyes.... I remembered so much. I remembered giving birth to him, the moment they laid him on my chest. I remembered him crawling and sitting in his high chair being silly. I remembered his chicken pox. I remembered his brother reading books to him when he was just a baby. I recalled when I had been pregnant with his little brother, the way he used to sit with me when I was on bed rest and watch cartoons. I remembered all the little moments and the big ones too. I kept running it through my head... over and over and over and over. The more I ran it through my head the faster I felt my hand move on his back and I had to stop myself. I felt my tears running down my face.
I pulled myself together. I tried to not think about it the rest of the time I was there. I was attentive and wanted to make sure we, his father and I, were making all the right decisions. Bringing him there was the right choice. Getting him help was right. Leaving at the end of the night without him, no matter how wrong it felt, I had to know it was the right choice.
I waited until I got home that night, away from his Dad, away from the world, and then I cried. I felt guilty. I felt I had done something wrong. it was all my fault. I think as a parent, it is the hardest thing to ever hear... it was worse than anything I have experienced this far in my life.
A few days later, he came home. He smiled. He told me he loved me. He has down days yet. Days when I am sure that staying in bed seems like a much better option than facing the world, but when he has good days, he smiles and laughs and it makes my heart feel so much better.
I have always told him how much I loved him. I have always told him that one of the things that i loved so much about him was his ability to be unique, independent, to not care what the rest of the world thought about him... what I didn't realize was that he DID really care what the rest of the world thoguht... it's hard to be a kid and to feel acceptance. It sucks that kids can't understand that individuality is an amazing gift, not a curse.
My son, he is an amazing gift. Each day that he is part of my life I am so grateful that he is here. He makes me laugh, he challenges me at times but without those challenges I wouldn't become stronger and smarter. He knows that he can come to me with anything that life brings him... he might not always choose to do that, but he knows that I am there. How does he know? Because the first time that he told me that he needed help, I listened. I knew it was real and didn't assume he was just looking for attention. He was looking for attention because he needed help with something that was a bigger problem than he knew how to fix himself.
I thank God for bringing my children into this world and saving my life all of the time. Without them, there are times I don't know where I would be... I KNOW that God opened my eyes and helped me see that my son needed me... he saved me from a nightmare and He saved my son.
"and have you ever attempted this before?" the nurse asked him, not with any feeling or emotion, just like any other question. Just like you would ask if you have ever had a cough before. It seemed so strange to me.
"yes" he answered.
At that moment, I stopped paying attention to the nurse and found myself standing directly behind him. I immediately began rubbing his back and holding onto his chair. I felt like my heart had fallen directly into my stomach. I started to cry but didn't want him to know and didn't know how to hide it. I remember looking over to his Dad because I so badly wanted someone to comfort me or to tell me it was going to be ok. His Dad offered me a look, I suppose that was all he could do given the fact that we haven't been together in over 15 years, and at that moment I turned back to my son.
It was so strange. I don't remember any other questions that were asked of him. I stood there, rubbing his back, holding that chair for strength and all i could do is try to determine where I went wrong. What did I do? Instead of my own life flashing befoe my eyes, like they say happens when you die, HIS entire life flashed before my eyes.... I remembered so much. I remembered giving birth to him, the moment they laid him on my chest. I remembered him crawling and sitting in his high chair being silly. I remembered his chicken pox. I remembered his brother reading books to him when he was just a baby. I recalled when I had been pregnant with his little brother, the way he used to sit with me when I was on bed rest and watch cartoons. I remembered all the little moments and the big ones too. I kept running it through my head... over and over and over and over. The more I ran it through my head the faster I felt my hand move on his back and I had to stop myself. I felt my tears running down my face.
I pulled myself together. I tried to not think about it the rest of the time I was there. I was attentive and wanted to make sure we, his father and I, were making all the right decisions. Bringing him there was the right choice. Getting him help was right. Leaving at the end of the night without him, no matter how wrong it felt, I had to know it was the right choice.
I waited until I got home that night, away from his Dad, away from the world, and then I cried. I felt guilty. I felt I had done something wrong. it was all my fault. I think as a parent, it is the hardest thing to ever hear... it was worse than anything I have experienced this far in my life.
A few days later, he came home. He smiled. He told me he loved me. He has down days yet. Days when I am sure that staying in bed seems like a much better option than facing the world, but when he has good days, he smiles and laughs and it makes my heart feel so much better.
I have always told him how much I loved him. I have always told him that one of the things that i loved so much about him was his ability to be unique, independent, to not care what the rest of the world thought about him... what I didn't realize was that he DID really care what the rest of the world thoguht... it's hard to be a kid and to feel acceptance. It sucks that kids can't understand that individuality is an amazing gift, not a curse.
My son, he is an amazing gift. Each day that he is part of my life I am so grateful that he is here. He makes me laugh, he challenges me at times but without those challenges I wouldn't become stronger and smarter. He knows that he can come to me with anything that life brings him... he might not always choose to do that, but he knows that I am there. How does he know? Because the first time that he told me that he needed help, I listened. I knew it was real and didn't assume he was just looking for attention. He was looking for attention because he needed help with something that was a bigger problem than he knew how to fix himself.
I thank God for bringing my children into this world and saving my life all of the time. Without them, there are times I don't know where I would be... I KNOW that God opened my eyes and helped me see that my son needed me... he saved me from a nightmare and He saved my son.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The Day Before The Day I Never Thought Would Come....
Yeah, I know, I am not alone and I realize he is ONLY going to be an hour away... do you NOT understand that I have a right as a Mom to still be freaking out? My oldest son, my baby, my monkeybutt, the son that saved my life in more ways than he will ever know... yeah, that one, he is going away to college and TOMORROW is the day he moves in.
Like I said, I know he is not going far but I feel like somehow I am not done yet? I haven't completed my job. I think I was supposed to teach him so much more than I did before he leaves and now he is leaving and it's in less than 24 hours and I am totally nerovus and freaking out on the inside yet trying to stay calm and collected on the outside so he can't tell. I wonder if he can tell? Do you think he knows? I think I have been texting him 20 times a day for the last 2 weeks just checking to make sure he has random things... you know, like Kleenex for when he has a runny nose and enough socks to get him through until he comes home for me to do his laundry and is he going to have enough clean sheets and towels and is there anything else I can buy him that he needs because I am pretty sure that he needs more than he is taking because I feel like I am not taking good enough care of him if I am not right there.
Someone out there needs to tell me PLEASE tell me that I am not the only one the only Mom the only parent to ever freak out like this? My Dad is pretty certain that he never freaked out like this and since my Mom isn't here to ask.... heck, I don't think she freaked out when I left - I was the last of 4 kids though and I certainly don't have a clue what she was like before my brother left. I remember I wasn't exactly phased by it - after all I still had two sisters left at home to deal with so it didn't really matter? I just know, I mean, I know that he isn't gone forever. I know he will be home A LOT and that is a good thing because when he comes home I can smother him and cook for him and clean for him and do his laundry and whatever else he needs from me. But.... it's still, this is the first step of that whole he isn't my little monkey butt anymore...
He was sooo little. He was my little guy just yesterday I am so certain of it. I just had this little buddy that hung out with me when his Daddy was working or fishing... we would hang out, watch Scooby Doo all day and night long... we would eat pancakes for supper because that was all Mommy could cook back then! LOL We would laugh and dance and finger paint and play.... we would take long walks to Nana's house and then be tooo tired to walk back and so Nana would give us a ride home.... He was that little guy that helped his Daddy paint his duck hunting boat and couldn't wait to go hunting with him.... and now.... he is all grown up. And I know that his Dad and I we did out best and hope we taught him all the right things. He is a good kid.... He knows right from wrong and knows what it means to work hard.... I know I am damn proud of him....
I am just not so sure I am ready to let go.... not yet :(
Like I said, I know he is not going far but I feel like somehow I am not done yet? I haven't completed my job. I think I was supposed to teach him so much more than I did before he leaves and now he is leaving and it's in less than 24 hours and I am totally nerovus and freaking out on the inside yet trying to stay calm and collected on the outside so he can't tell. I wonder if he can tell? Do you think he knows? I think I have been texting him 20 times a day for the last 2 weeks just checking to make sure he has random things... you know, like Kleenex for when he has a runny nose and enough socks to get him through until he comes home for me to do his laundry and is he going to have enough clean sheets and towels and is there anything else I can buy him that he needs because I am pretty sure that he needs more than he is taking because I feel like I am not taking good enough care of him if I am not right there.
Someone out there needs to tell me PLEASE tell me that I am not the only one the only Mom the only parent to ever freak out like this? My Dad is pretty certain that he never freaked out like this and since my Mom isn't here to ask.... heck, I don't think she freaked out when I left - I was the last of 4 kids though and I certainly don't have a clue what she was like before my brother left. I remember I wasn't exactly phased by it - after all I still had two sisters left at home to deal with so it didn't really matter? I just know, I mean, I know that he isn't gone forever. I know he will be home A LOT and that is a good thing because when he comes home I can smother him and cook for him and clean for him and do his laundry and whatever else he needs from me. But.... it's still, this is the first step of that whole he isn't my little monkey butt anymore...
He was sooo little. He was my little guy just yesterday I am so certain of it. I just had this little buddy that hung out with me when his Daddy was working or fishing... we would hang out, watch Scooby Doo all day and night long... we would eat pancakes for supper because that was all Mommy could cook back then! LOL We would laugh and dance and finger paint and play.... we would take long walks to Nana's house and then be tooo tired to walk back and so Nana would give us a ride home.... He was that little guy that helped his Daddy paint his duck hunting boat and couldn't wait to go hunting with him.... and now.... he is all grown up. And I know that his Dad and I we did out best and hope we taught him all the right things. He is a good kid.... He knows right from wrong and knows what it means to work hard.... I know I am damn proud of him....
I am just not so sure I am ready to let go.... not yet :(
Sunday, July 31, 2011
He's Still in There
It's been nearly 3 years since the boys have seen their father... and it has been a year since they have talked to him.
Jacob and I have this incredible relationship though. There are no secrets between us though. We talk and I answer all of his questions with an honest but sometimes very broken heart. He will ask me about his Dad. Sometimes I wonder if he asks me because he isn't sure he remembers anymore.
He will question whether or not his Dad liked a certain music group, or food, or if he took him to some place. Lately, it has been kind of sad, when he asks me questions now, he will bring up a story that has Dad had told him and he will ask me if it was true or not. It hurts. I am sure it doesn't just hurt me but I am guessing that the pain in that little boys heart has to be so huge...
How do you answer questions like that? Especially if you know that they aren't true and you have a no lying pact? I don't want to say things to make his Dad look bad. As much as I get angry at his father, I try so hard to still not bad mouth his Dad to him... that is not my job. My job is to be his Mom and to continue to love him and hold him up and give him strength... and to allow him to love his Dad because he is his Dad.
Just the other night, Jacob was playing XBox on the TV in the living room and it was 9pm - it is pretty typical that this is MY time and I usually kick him off.. well he got stubborn and even though I made it easy for him to go upstairs and play on that XBox, he said "No, that's fine, whatever". UGH! his Dad used to do that to me all the time!!!
I got so frustrated!!! I posted on my facebook something regarding how he is JUST like his Father and Jacob made sure to comment on it! It was so funny! I made him come to my bedroom and hug me and we talked about it. He laughed and I think he thought it was kind of cool that even if he is not around his Dad that he has inherited some of his traits. He loves that man... He loves him and I will NEVER take that away from him.
I will continue to protect him from harm and to to do everything I have to do as a Mom to not allow him to get hurt any further. I will continue to protect him from the things that I know that right now he can't handle. I will continue to keep him safe WITH ME. I will continue to love him and his little brother Kyle with my entire heart and they will ALWAYS come first in my life.
It's so hard. For those of you that have a two-parent home or even a home that might be divided but each of you are still a BIG part of your childrens lives - NEVER EVER EVER take that for granted - and NEVER EVER forget how important your children are.
We were once a two-parent home. A little dysfunctional? Hell yeah. But Jacob and Kyle had this Dad that was soooooo incredible, sooooo amazing. He would always put them before anything. He was the best Dad that I could have ever asked for, for my children. He truly was. Never in a million years did I ever guess that I would be here, right here, right now and they would be completely without him in their lives.... that is not the man I remember.
Then again, I am not the same Mom either.
I am stronger. I am better. I am more in love with my children than I ever imagined possible. I love to hear them laugh. I hate to hear them cry. I love the way they take care of me when I need them and I love the way we all love eachother that much more.
He's still in there, he's still inside of them, he always will be - in the way they laugh, the way they love, the way they love their own children some day... and for Jacob, the way he looks! And for all of us, the way we remember the way it was...
He's still in there, and days like today, it still hurts....
Jacob and I have this incredible relationship though. There are no secrets between us though. We talk and I answer all of his questions with an honest but sometimes very broken heart. He will ask me about his Dad. Sometimes I wonder if he asks me because he isn't sure he remembers anymore.
He will question whether or not his Dad liked a certain music group, or food, or if he took him to some place. Lately, it has been kind of sad, when he asks me questions now, he will bring up a story that has Dad had told him and he will ask me if it was true or not. It hurts. I am sure it doesn't just hurt me but I am guessing that the pain in that little boys heart has to be so huge...
How do you answer questions like that? Especially if you know that they aren't true and you have a no lying pact? I don't want to say things to make his Dad look bad. As much as I get angry at his father, I try so hard to still not bad mouth his Dad to him... that is not my job. My job is to be his Mom and to continue to love him and hold him up and give him strength... and to allow him to love his Dad because he is his Dad.
Just the other night, Jacob was playing XBox on the TV in the living room and it was 9pm - it is pretty typical that this is MY time and I usually kick him off.. well he got stubborn and even though I made it easy for him to go upstairs and play on that XBox, he said "No, that's fine, whatever". UGH! his Dad used to do that to me all the time!!!
I got so frustrated!!! I posted on my facebook something regarding how he is JUST like his Father and Jacob made sure to comment on it! It was so funny! I made him come to my bedroom and hug me and we talked about it. He laughed and I think he thought it was kind of cool that even if he is not around his Dad that he has inherited some of his traits. He loves that man... He loves him and I will NEVER take that away from him.
I will continue to protect him from harm and to to do everything I have to do as a Mom to not allow him to get hurt any further. I will continue to protect him from the things that I know that right now he can't handle. I will continue to keep him safe WITH ME. I will continue to love him and his little brother Kyle with my entire heart and they will ALWAYS come first in my life.
It's so hard. For those of you that have a two-parent home or even a home that might be divided but each of you are still a BIG part of your childrens lives - NEVER EVER EVER take that for granted - and NEVER EVER forget how important your children are.
We were once a two-parent home. A little dysfunctional? Hell yeah. But Jacob and Kyle had this Dad that was soooooo incredible, sooooo amazing. He would always put them before anything. He was the best Dad that I could have ever asked for, for my children. He truly was. Never in a million years did I ever guess that I would be here, right here, right now and they would be completely without him in their lives.... that is not the man I remember.
Then again, I am not the same Mom either.
I am stronger. I am better. I am more in love with my children than I ever imagined possible. I love to hear them laugh. I hate to hear them cry. I love the way they take care of me when I need them and I love the way we all love eachother that much more.
He's still in there, he's still inside of them, he always will be - in the way they laugh, the way they love, the way they love their own children some day... and for Jacob, the way he looks! And for all of us, the way we remember the way it was...
He's still in there, and days like today, it still hurts....
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Hurting on the Inside
It's hard, sometimes, when you look at them.
On the outside, they have these little faces. Their eyes are so bright and their smiles are so amazing. Yet at times, they do things that make you stop in your tracks and wonder "where did that come from?" or "where in the world did you hear that word?"
The anger that comes from seemingly nowhere.
It's enough to break your heart.
It's enough to break anyone's heart.
My little boy, he comes to me sometimes with these tears gathered up in his eyes that are so big at times. I am not sure what goes on inside that head of his but I know he is so angry. He doesn't mean to say things to people that are hurtful. He doesn't really want to be so mad. He misses his Dad so much that he doesn't know what to do with that pain.
He sits next to me. He'll put his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I am so bad Mommy". He will say to me.
His words make my eyes fill with tears and my heart fill with hurt. I don't like feeling angry anymore. I don't like to blame. The frustration I once carried toward the absence of his father has mostly left me but on days like this, it fills me up again. I wish he was here with me. I wish he was here with us. I wish, sometimes, we were a family again. Only sometimes, so I could make the pain inside my little boys heart go away.
When you chose to have a child, no one tells you all the things that you will have to do as a parent. They don't tell you about the boo-boo's you will have to kiss. They don't mention the puke you will have to wipe off your face or the conversations you will hear. Heck, I am pretty sure you aren't taught much of anything. I sure wish they would teach you how to take away the hurt from inside their hearts when they get broken though... because that kind of pain? I think it is worse than any broken heart I have ever felt as a grown up.
On the outside, they have these little faces. Their eyes are so bright and their smiles are so amazing. Yet at times, they do things that make you stop in your tracks and wonder "where did that come from?" or "where in the world did you hear that word?"
The anger that comes from seemingly nowhere.
It's enough to break your heart.
It's enough to break anyone's heart.
My little boy, he comes to me sometimes with these tears gathered up in his eyes that are so big at times. I am not sure what goes on inside that head of his but I know he is so angry. He doesn't mean to say things to people that are hurtful. He doesn't really want to be so mad. He misses his Dad so much that he doesn't know what to do with that pain.
He sits next to me. He'll put his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry I am so bad Mommy". He will say to me.
His words make my eyes fill with tears and my heart fill with hurt. I don't like feeling angry anymore. I don't like to blame. The frustration I once carried toward the absence of his father has mostly left me but on days like this, it fills me up again. I wish he was here with me. I wish he was here with us. I wish, sometimes, we were a family again. Only sometimes, so I could make the pain inside my little boys heart go away.
When you chose to have a child, no one tells you all the things that you will have to do as a parent. They don't tell you about the boo-boo's you will have to kiss. They don't mention the puke you will have to wipe off your face or the conversations you will hear. Heck, I am pretty sure you aren't taught much of anything. I sure wish they would teach you how to take away the hurt from inside their hearts when they get broken though... because that kind of pain? I think it is worse than any broken heart I have ever felt as a grown up.
Monday, December 06, 2010
Sometimes He Needs Me...
Sunday afternoon football... something his Daddy and I used to enjoy watching together. I found it hard last year to have any interest in it at all, and this year - I am back - at least a little bit.
I normally sit and watch part of the games and usually find myself getting up at half time and being "done" for the day. But yesterday, it was different.
Jacob was very cozy with me yesterday. I didn't read all the signs right, but he was definately in the mood for hanging out with mom. We watched football together and then just snuggled on the couch - watched Drake 'n Josh and then the Big Time Rush Christmas Special.... it was sweet.
I ran to my Dad's house for about 2 hours to do some laundry (our wash machine died :( earlier in the week) and by the time I returned, he had sent me 3 text messages inquiring when I would be back...
The last message told me that he didn't feel good.
Hmm.... I should have guessed that, but I didn't see it. I was too busy all day, soaking up the love and attention from my little boy that is growing so fast.... I missed all the signs.
By the time I got home he was running a fever and complained his throat hurt "really really" bad. My guess was that he likely had strep, as it was going around the schools. I figured I would need to figure out how to get him to the doctor the next day. The problem? I was scheduled to work a full day.
I spent the rest of the night trying to find someone, anyone, to cover my shift. I called 4 different stores and got the names of all the possible replacements and no one. Not one person could take my shift.
I gave Jacob the news and, well, he got a little bit... sad. Not that he doesn't like Dean, but he really would rather be at home with Mom.
I hugged him tight and told him not to fret. I would pray hard that something would work out by the morning and that I would see what I could do...
I was so heart broken... I cried myself to sleep too.
This morning, I woke Kyle up for school quietly. I didn't want to wake my snoring little goose Jacob up so early. I figured the sleep he was getting would be the best thing for him.
Dean volunteered to drive Kyle into town for school so I could climb back in bed... right before I reached the stairs, Jacob woke up. I told him to make himself comfy on the couch and try to get back to sleep and if he needed me, I would be in my bed for a little while.
I walked up the stairs, opened the curtain for my bedroom, climbed up on the bed and laid my head on the pillow... it was just what I needed when Jacob ran up the stairs crying...
"Mom, I just threw up!"
Yeah... he puked on the blanket on the couch. He didn't quite make it to the bathroom.
I instructed him to head to the bathroom... I don't know what my brain was thinking but it must have known the future because by the time he reached the bathroom, he threw up again.
By this time, i think I called one of my coworkers numbers like 3 times, in hopes she would answer and hope she could cover my shift... I could not leave this little boy alone today...
After tucking him in and assuring him again that I hadn't given up, I laid back down for a bit too.
And then... just like that, it all worked out. My shift got covered and I was able to spend the day with my not-so-little-anymore guy.
We had a good day together and he seemed to be feeling better. Although as the end of the day approached, he complained of his throat again.
I called the doctor and got him in right away...
I knew they would need to take a swab of his throat and I knew personally how much those sucked but I tried to convince him he would be fine.
Well, let's just say, it didn't go very well and just when I thought my little boy was all grown up and didn't need his Mom anymore, he most definately needed me.
And I was there.
I was there to hold his hand and to brush his hair from his forehead... just as I did when he was little.
There have been so many times in my life that I kick myself for not being there enough. I missed so many days because I had to always work...
But he still needs me and he still loves me and the greatest part of all is that he knows that no matter what, he will always have me too.
I normally sit and watch part of the games and usually find myself getting up at half time and being "done" for the day. But yesterday, it was different.
Jacob was very cozy with me yesterday. I didn't read all the signs right, but he was definately in the mood for hanging out with mom. We watched football together and then just snuggled on the couch - watched Drake 'n Josh and then the Big Time Rush Christmas Special.... it was sweet.
I ran to my Dad's house for about 2 hours to do some laundry (our wash machine died :( earlier in the week) and by the time I returned, he had sent me 3 text messages inquiring when I would be back...
The last message told me that he didn't feel good.
Hmm.... I should have guessed that, but I didn't see it. I was too busy all day, soaking up the love and attention from my little boy that is growing so fast.... I missed all the signs.
By the time I got home he was running a fever and complained his throat hurt "really really" bad. My guess was that he likely had strep, as it was going around the schools. I figured I would need to figure out how to get him to the doctor the next day. The problem? I was scheduled to work a full day.
I spent the rest of the night trying to find someone, anyone, to cover my shift. I called 4 different stores and got the names of all the possible replacements and no one. Not one person could take my shift.
I gave Jacob the news and, well, he got a little bit... sad. Not that he doesn't like Dean, but he really would rather be at home with Mom.
I hugged him tight and told him not to fret. I would pray hard that something would work out by the morning and that I would see what I could do...
I was so heart broken... I cried myself to sleep too.
This morning, I woke Kyle up for school quietly. I didn't want to wake my snoring little goose Jacob up so early. I figured the sleep he was getting would be the best thing for him.
Dean volunteered to drive Kyle into town for school so I could climb back in bed... right before I reached the stairs, Jacob woke up. I told him to make himself comfy on the couch and try to get back to sleep and if he needed me, I would be in my bed for a little while.
I walked up the stairs, opened the curtain for my bedroom, climbed up on the bed and laid my head on the pillow... it was just what I needed when Jacob ran up the stairs crying...
"Mom, I just threw up!"
Yeah... he puked on the blanket on the couch. He didn't quite make it to the bathroom.
I instructed him to head to the bathroom... I don't know what my brain was thinking but it must have known the future because by the time he reached the bathroom, he threw up again.
By this time, i think I called one of my coworkers numbers like 3 times, in hopes she would answer and hope she could cover my shift... I could not leave this little boy alone today...
After tucking him in and assuring him again that I hadn't given up, I laid back down for a bit too.
And then... just like that, it all worked out. My shift got covered and I was able to spend the day with my not-so-little-anymore guy.
We had a good day together and he seemed to be feeling better. Although as the end of the day approached, he complained of his throat again.
I called the doctor and got him in right away...
I knew they would need to take a swab of his throat and I knew personally how much those sucked but I tried to convince him he would be fine.
Well, let's just say, it didn't go very well and just when I thought my little boy was all grown up and didn't need his Mom anymore, he most definately needed me.
And I was there.
I was there to hold his hand and to brush his hair from his forehead... just as I did when he was little.
There have been so many times in my life that I kick myself for not being there enough. I missed so many days because I had to always work...
But he still needs me and he still loves me and the greatest part of all is that he knows that no matter what, he will always have me too.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
So Much
So much has happened in the lives of my children that I haven't taken time to write down. I look back now and wish I would have taken that video recorder out more than I did. I wish that I would have kept that notebook with me everywhere I went - to capture all of those little moments...
When you are first becoming a mom, so many people tell you to do all of those things. They tell you to take pictures as much as you can and make sure you write on the back of them - I haven't figured out how to write on the backs of the ones on my computer yet, but I did good on the paper ones for a while!
I know that no one is perfect. I realize that neglecting to do those things does not make me a bad mom. But somehow, I wish I could go back and do all of those things...
Since the start of the school year, I have drifted back into the memories of Travis being little a lot. In fact, to think that he is going to graduate from high school this year frightens me greatly!! Where did the time go? What happened to that little boy that used to play tee ball in Nana's front yard and dig worms with her? So many moments... his first black eye, our long walk to Nana's house across town one day, the day I brought Alex home from the hospital....
I remember there were so many times that I would lose Travis and Alex to their Dad after our divorce. I was certain that because I didn't have any money, they wouldn't want to be with me. And now, Travis is going to leave me, but to go on with life, the way I always dreamed of. And Alex? Well, he started his freshman year and just recently made me realize that despite all of the mistakes I have made in life, I am exactly what I always wanted to be...
He told me one day that he liked being at his Dad's because his Dad had money and spent it on them, but he liked being with me because he felt that he could talk to me about his personal life and school stuff...
I wouldn't trade places in the entire world...
So much has gone wrong, so many mistakes have been made, but I am so happy being right where I am - with them, watching them grow - not from the outside looking in - but right there, by their side.
When you are first becoming a mom, so many people tell you to do all of those things. They tell you to take pictures as much as you can and make sure you write on the back of them - I haven't figured out how to write on the backs of the ones on my computer yet, but I did good on the paper ones for a while!
I know that no one is perfect. I realize that neglecting to do those things does not make me a bad mom. But somehow, I wish I could go back and do all of those things...
Since the start of the school year, I have drifted back into the memories of Travis being little a lot. In fact, to think that he is going to graduate from high school this year frightens me greatly!! Where did the time go? What happened to that little boy that used to play tee ball in Nana's front yard and dig worms with her? So many moments... his first black eye, our long walk to Nana's house across town one day, the day I brought Alex home from the hospital....
I remember there were so many times that I would lose Travis and Alex to their Dad after our divorce. I was certain that because I didn't have any money, they wouldn't want to be with me. And now, Travis is going to leave me, but to go on with life, the way I always dreamed of. And Alex? Well, he started his freshman year and just recently made me realize that despite all of the mistakes I have made in life, I am exactly what I always wanted to be...
He told me one day that he liked being at his Dad's because his Dad had money and spent it on them, but he liked being with me because he felt that he could talk to me about his personal life and school stuff...
I wouldn't trade places in the entire world...
So much has gone wrong, so many mistakes have been made, but I am so happy being right where I am - with them, watching them grow - not from the outside looking in - but right there, by their side.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
My Mothers Day Lunch to Remember
Since Mother's Day is never an easy time for me, Dean wanted to try really hard to make it something special for me this year.
He started out by purchasing a laptop for me for my gift from him and the kids. Something I would hold dear to my heart so I could start writing again...
Then this morning he woke me up early and informed me we were going away for the day.
We went shopping in Madison. Something we have learned to enjoy doing. After going to Half Price Books (which has become one of my favorite places to go) and a trip to the hobby shop (one of Dean's favorite places to go) he tells Jacob and Kyle, "We are going to take Mama someplace nice for lunch today to celebrate Mothers Day."
Kyle and Jacob immediately start throwing out suggestions...
Dean says, "No, no, no... I thought we would take her someplace nice."
Kyle chimes in, "Oh! You mean like the food court!!"
We all had a great laugh. It was the cutest thing he could possibly say at that moment. I guess to him, the food court was pretty amazing!!
I was supposed to pick the place. Something I really suck at because I can never decide what I want and, as a mom, I do always have the boys tastes in mind. Especially Kyle - after all, he tends to only eat chicken.
Dean spots a place that he had heard had great food. He had never been there before, but we decided we would check it out. It was a pub/eatery. I suppose similar to that of an Apple B's or something? We don't know what to expect but it looks good and not that busy.
Dean drops the boys and I off at the door and he goes to park the car. When he walks in, he checks us in and turns back at me with this smile. I can't explain it, but usually when he smiles with his dimples, something is brewing... I hadn't walked in the door yet, but when I did, I saw why the dimples were there...
The waitresses were dressed... well, you have to go to the link to check it out...
http://www,tiltedkilt.com/
Now, my boys IMMEDIATELY started to smile. Poor little Jacob climbed up in the booth and started to put his head down - not sure what to think.
Deans says to him, "Don't worry Jacob, soon enough you will grow up and you won't be able to take your eyes off of them."
Let's just say about 20 minutes later, Jacob looks at me and smiles and says, "Guess I am growing up already!"
I know, maybe I should have been offended, but it really was done in taste and the food was SO GOOD!! Jacob had a cheeseburger and said it was the best!
I had a great lunch - with my boys and something tells me it is a memory that none of us, especially them, will never forget!!
He started out by purchasing a laptop for me for my gift from him and the kids. Something I would hold dear to my heart so I could start writing again...
Then this morning he woke me up early and informed me we were going away for the day.
We went shopping in Madison. Something we have learned to enjoy doing. After going to Half Price Books (which has become one of my favorite places to go) and a trip to the hobby shop (one of Dean's favorite places to go) he tells Jacob and Kyle, "We are going to take Mama someplace nice for lunch today to celebrate Mothers Day."
Kyle and Jacob immediately start throwing out suggestions...
Dean says, "No, no, no... I thought we would take her someplace nice."
Kyle chimes in, "Oh! You mean like the food court!!"
We all had a great laugh. It was the cutest thing he could possibly say at that moment. I guess to him, the food court was pretty amazing!!
I was supposed to pick the place. Something I really suck at because I can never decide what I want and, as a mom, I do always have the boys tastes in mind. Especially Kyle - after all, he tends to only eat chicken.
Dean spots a place that he had heard had great food. He had never been there before, but we decided we would check it out. It was a pub/eatery. I suppose similar to that of an Apple B's or something? We don't know what to expect but it looks good and not that busy.
Dean drops the boys and I off at the door and he goes to park the car. When he walks in, he checks us in and turns back at me with this smile. I can't explain it, but usually when he smiles with his dimples, something is brewing... I hadn't walked in the door yet, but when I did, I saw why the dimples were there...
The waitresses were dressed... well, you have to go to the link to check it out...
http://www,tiltedkilt.com/
Now, my boys IMMEDIATELY started to smile. Poor little Jacob climbed up in the booth and started to put his head down - not sure what to think.
Deans says to him, "Don't worry Jacob, soon enough you will grow up and you won't be able to take your eyes off of them."
Let's just say about 20 minutes later, Jacob looks at me and smiles and says, "Guess I am growing up already!"
I know, maybe I should have been offended, but it really was done in taste and the food was SO GOOD!! Jacob had a cheeseburger and said it was the best!
I had a great lunch - with my boys and something tells me it is a memory that none of us, especially them, will never forget!!
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Even at the Grocery Store
Anyone that tells you taking your children to the grocery store adds money to your bill and a little stress to the trip, is not lying, usually!
I typically tend to shop when my children at home... wait, let me correct that, I usually tend to shop when my older boys are at home to watch my little ones... I find that I can get in, get what I need and get out with a whole lot less stress and a lot less money spent on things like junk food.
Monday, I picked my boys up from school and now because I no longer live right in town, it only made sense to run to the store while in town for the few things I needed for dinner. I was going for taco shells, sour cream and lettuce.
Well, Jacob and Kyle came in with me and though they did not add to the list too much personally, they tried. Funny though, they add things like apples, bananas, and poptarts.
Jacob was in a particular mood. Something about him. He likes to take care of me and likes to know everything about everything I do. So when I put the celery in the cart, he asked me, "Who eats celery Mama?"
I informed him that I do and wanted to buy some to help me with my diet.
"Oh, you are on a diet Mama? Good. I know you think you are fat" he smiled "I didn't know you were on a diet."
We continued through the store and, yes, I did buy a few things I hadn't planned on but since their snacks usually are things like string cheese, chocolate milk and apples, I couldn't complain.
When we reached the check out, Jacob was sure to inform our cashier that I was on a diet. It was funny. He told her that he was being helpful to me because it was good for my diet. I was so thankful that I had picked my friend Janice's check out lane. She found Jacob and Kyle to be entertaining I think. They were both being so goofy.
The best part of the trip was when I was pushing the cart out to the car. Kyle was standing on the cart in front of me and Jacob was hanging on the back. Just like that, he looked at me with that funny Jacob smile and started flapping his arms...
"I a bird Mommy" he said in a cute baby-talk, "Look Mommy, I flying away".
I couldn't help but laugh and laugh and laugh some more...
And I thought I was going to regret having to take them to the store with me.
It made my day.
I typically tend to shop when my children at home... wait, let me correct that, I usually tend to shop when my older boys are at home to watch my little ones... I find that I can get in, get what I need and get out with a whole lot less stress and a lot less money spent on things like junk food.
Monday, I picked my boys up from school and now because I no longer live right in town, it only made sense to run to the store while in town for the few things I needed for dinner. I was going for taco shells, sour cream and lettuce.
Well, Jacob and Kyle came in with me and though they did not add to the list too much personally, they tried. Funny though, they add things like apples, bananas, and poptarts.
Jacob was in a particular mood. Something about him. He likes to take care of me and likes to know everything about everything I do. So when I put the celery in the cart, he asked me, "Who eats celery Mama?"
I informed him that I do and wanted to buy some to help me with my diet.
"Oh, you are on a diet Mama? Good. I know you think you are fat" he smiled "I didn't know you were on a diet."
We continued through the store and, yes, I did buy a few things I hadn't planned on but since their snacks usually are things like string cheese, chocolate milk and apples, I couldn't complain.
When we reached the check out, Jacob was sure to inform our cashier that I was on a diet. It was funny. He told her that he was being helpful to me because it was good for my diet. I was so thankful that I had picked my friend Janice's check out lane. She found Jacob and Kyle to be entertaining I think. They were both being so goofy.
The best part of the trip was when I was pushing the cart out to the car. Kyle was standing on the cart in front of me and Jacob was hanging on the back. Just like that, he looked at me with that funny Jacob smile and started flapping his arms...
"I a bird Mommy" he said in a cute baby-talk, "Look Mommy, I flying away".
I couldn't help but laugh and laugh and laugh some more...
And I thought I was going to regret having to take them to the store with me.
It made my day.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Remembering...
Looking back, I would never change the years I had with Jacob and Kyle's Dad. Mark is still one of the most amazing men I will ever be lucky enough to know and love.
I found myself giving his advice to a good friend of mine - a young high school girl that goes to our church... and all the while, smiling inside at the girl I used to be before he fell in love with me. Remembering how worried I always was and how uptight I used to be about everything. I never could relax and laugh or just be me...
The advice he would give me was to live life for the moment and not worry so much about the things you can't control...
When I gave this advice to my friend, and told her where I learned it from, Jacob heard me and left the room.
A minute or two later, he came back and patted me on the back and said, "My Daddy is a pretty smart man".
I could tell without looking at him that he had cried a little - just by the tone he gets in his voice...
It saddened me to know that something so small could bring a tear to his eye. It's one of those things you deal with, when you choose to get a divorce. Knowing the pain in the heart of your child is your fault.
I turned to Jacob and smiled at him...
"You're Daddy is an amazing man, and you, my sweet boy, are just like him"
"But I thought you hated Daddy?" he said to me, with a laugh.
He and I had been talking about this a lot lately. He knows I don't hate his Daddy. In fact, he knows I love him very much. I think, though, it would be easier for him, as a child, to understand why his Dad and I aren't together anymore, if we really did hate one another...
Instead of trying to hate him, or ever speaking about him negatively, I REMEMBER him.
I remember the moments we all had as a family when we laughed and loved.
It's easier to help a child that is torn apart by their broken family to remember the good and remember the laughs and remember the love. They don't want to hear how you fought or argued or "never got along" - whatever the case may be. They know those things happened. Trust me, they remember.
I have been trying so hard to raise four amazing children.
I have made mistakes.
I have made countless mistakes...
My older two children may never forgive me for the mistakes I have made.
I pray in my heart that they will some day.
But I know, they too remember... they remember the bad, the negative, the hatred, the yelling, the fighting, the criticizing, the words that hurt them...
At their age, its hard for me to make them forget by smothering them with love...
Remembering life...
Remembering moments...
Remembering love...
Maybe it would be better if we all had the secret little "guns" they had on "Men in Black" that could make you forget...not just for a little while, but forever....
Maybe then, just for one night, I could tuck those two little guys in, my little Jacob especially, without the tears in his eyes when he prays for his Daddy...
Then again... I am glad he doesn't forget what an amazing man he is and what an amazing Daddy he was... maybe it will help his Daddy remember too...
I found myself giving his advice to a good friend of mine - a young high school girl that goes to our church... and all the while, smiling inside at the girl I used to be before he fell in love with me. Remembering how worried I always was and how uptight I used to be about everything. I never could relax and laugh or just be me...
The advice he would give me was to live life for the moment and not worry so much about the things you can't control...
When I gave this advice to my friend, and told her where I learned it from, Jacob heard me and left the room.
A minute or two later, he came back and patted me on the back and said, "My Daddy is a pretty smart man".
I could tell without looking at him that he had cried a little - just by the tone he gets in his voice...
It saddened me to know that something so small could bring a tear to his eye. It's one of those things you deal with, when you choose to get a divorce. Knowing the pain in the heart of your child is your fault.
I turned to Jacob and smiled at him...
"You're Daddy is an amazing man, and you, my sweet boy, are just like him"
"But I thought you hated Daddy?" he said to me, with a laugh.
He and I had been talking about this a lot lately. He knows I don't hate his Daddy. In fact, he knows I love him very much. I think, though, it would be easier for him, as a child, to understand why his Dad and I aren't together anymore, if we really did hate one another...
Instead of trying to hate him, or ever speaking about him negatively, I REMEMBER him.
I remember the moments we all had as a family when we laughed and loved.
It's easier to help a child that is torn apart by their broken family to remember the good and remember the laughs and remember the love. They don't want to hear how you fought or argued or "never got along" - whatever the case may be. They know those things happened. Trust me, they remember.
I have been trying so hard to raise four amazing children.
I have made mistakes.
I have made countless mistakes...
My older two children may never forgive me for the mistakes I have made.
I pray in my heart that they will some day.
But I know, they too remember... they remember the bad, the negative, the hatred, the yelling, the fighting, the criticizing, the words that hurt them...
At their age, its hard for me to make them forget by smothering them with love...
Remembering life...
Remembering moments...
Remembering love...
Maybe it would be better if we all had the secret little "guns" they had on "Men in Black" that could make you forget...not just for a little while, but forever....
Maybe then, just for one night, I could tuck those two little guys in, my little Jacob especially, without the tears in his eyes when he prays for his Daddy...
Then again... I am glad he doesn't forget what an amazing man he is and what an amazing Daddy he was... maybe it will help his Daddy remember too...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Never a Thought
Never did I imagine that life for my children would end up the way it is today.
Never a thought crossed my mind that they would ever feel pain and hurt the way they have.
The mistakes I have made.
The lives I have touched.
The lives that have touched ours...
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children doesn't believe in God.
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children feels they are stuipd.
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children longs for his father every day.
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children thinks only I can do things for him.
I can't change my past.
I can't fix the damage I have done.
It's my fault.
Those therapy sessions of the future shoudl be paid for by me.
It's my fault.
I have damaged their innocense.
The choices I made,
The things I thought I did right,
The things I knew were wrong.
It's my fault.
To go back to that first day
that I ever held their little hands...
To go back to that first day
I ever kissed their little heads...
I counted their fingers,
I counted their toes,
I examined their ears, their eyes, their nose...
I wanted to make sure they were just right...
So I could mess them up I guess...
I can never say sorry enough for the pain I have placed in their hearts.
I can never say sorry enought for the damage I have done.
I can't go back and change any of it..
I can go forward.
I can continue to love them
with my whole heart and soul
and do only my best to continue to make up for the time I have lost
and do only my best to teach them the importance of God, family and love
I just hope they want to go forward with me.
Never a thought crossed my mind that they would ever feel pain and hurt the way they have.
The mistakes I have made.
The lives I have touched.
The lives that have touched ours...
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children doesn't believe in God.
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children feels they are stuipd.
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children longs for his father every day.
Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children thinks only I can do things for him.
I can't change my past.
I can't fix the damage I have done.
It's my fault.
Those therapy sessions of the future shoudl be paid for by me.
It's my fault.
I have damaged their innocense.
The choices I made,
The things I thought I did right,
The things I knew were wrong.
It's my fault.
To go back to that first day
that I ever held their little hands...
To go back to that first day
I ever kissed their little heads...
I counted their fingers,
I counted their toes,
I examined their ears, their eyes, their nose...
I wanted to make sure they were just right...
So I could mess them up I guess...
I can never say sorry enough for the pain I have placed in their hearts.
I can never say sorry enought for the damage I have done.
I can't go back and change any of it..
I can go forward.
I can continue to love them
with my whole heart and soul
and do only my best to continue to make up for the time I have lost
and do only my best to teach them the importance of God, family and love
I just hope they want to go forward with me.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Hardest Day
So I dreaded Friday... the day the court would finally grant my divorce and decide the future for my children...
And then I was given the word...
Jacob and Kyle would be mine, all mine...
So today, I had to tell the boys what the judge decided. I closed my eyes and prayed to God to give me strength a MILLION times over the course of the last week... I prayed he would help me understand why their Daddy was not getting better and I prayed for strength to help me help my children understand that I love their Daddy but needed to do what was best for my babies.
So today, I told them what the judge decided.
I sat them down with Dean by my side... giving me added strength to answer any questions that might come up.
Sadly,
Very sadly,
They both understood every word and knew that Mommy was doing what was best for them. They both feel that until Daddy is better, that this is what needs to be done. They are concerned about someone else being there when they visit and they would like to go to his house, but they know, in their hearts, that this is what is right.
How sad.
Never did I imagine that this would happen.
I blamed myself for so long.
I still blame myself.
If only...
I think I can ask that question every day for the rest of my "What if I would have..."
I need to heal too for my children need me now more than ever. They need me to be their everything, their strength, their love, their support... I am so grateful they have opened their hearts to God...
He will guide them through this day and every day forward...
But I wish they would never have had to go through this day...
And then I was given the word...
Jacob and Kyle would be mine, all mine...
So today, I had to tell the boys what the judge decided. I closed my eyes and prayed to God to give me strength a MILLION times over the course of the last week... I prayed he would help me understand why their Daddy was not getting better and I prayed for strength to help me help my children understand that I love their Daddy but needed to do what was best for my babies.
So today, I told them what the judge decided.
I sat them down with Dean by my side... giving me added strength to answer any questions that might come up.
Sadly,
Very sadly,
They both understood every word and knew that Mommy was doing what was best for them. They both feel that until Daddy is better, that this is what needs to be done. They are concerned about someone else being there when they visit and they would like to go to his house, but they know, in their hearts, that this is what is right.
How sad.
Never did I imagine that this would happen.
I blamed myself for so long.
I still blame myself.
If only...
I think I can ask that question every day for the rest of my "What if I would have..."
I need to heal too for my children need me now more than ever. They need me to be their everything, their strength, their love, their support... I am so grateful they have opened their hearts to God...
He will guide them through this day and every day forward...
But I wish they would never have had to go through this day...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Wrapped Up in a Moment
This morning, sometime around 4 a.m., I was awoken by the feeling of my little Kyle, my 5 year old angel, crawling up in bed and laying on top of me. This is something I don't recall he has done since he was just a baby.
Don't get me wrong, he crawls into my bed every night and wraps his one arm around me or his leg or his foot... he always has to be touching me, just to know that I am there.
This morning was so different, so sweet.
Just like an infant that lies still on the chest of their parent, my little baby crawled right up there. What made even more sweet for me was that he was wearing his cute little fuzzy "footie" pajamas. Just like those he would have worn as an infant.
I laid there, holding him, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back. At least until his little hand reached up to wipe off the kisses I had left him, like he always does.
Then he scooted over next to me, wrapped his arm around me and was back asleep.
Funny, with all the drama in my life right now, I think that very moment, calmed my heart and mind like nothing has in a long time.
He took my breath away and stole my heart all over again...
Don't get me wrong, he crawls into my bed every night and wraps his one arm around me or his leg or his foot... he always has to be touching me, just to know that I am there.
This morning was so different, so sweet.
Just like an infant that lies still on the chest of their parent, my little baby crawled right up there. What made even more sweet for me was that he was wearing his cute little fuzzy "footie" pajamas. Just like those he would have worn as an infant.
I laid there, holding him, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back. At least until his little hand reached up to wipe off the kisses I had left him, like he always does.
Then he scooted over next to me, wrapped his arm around me and was back asleep.
Funny, with all the drama in my life right now, I think that very moment, calmed my heart and mind like nothing has in a long time.
He took my breath away and stole my heart all over again...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Mommy's Date
O.k, so it's only been a few months since Mark has been gone, but I am learning that sometimes just getting out for a little adult companionship is not harmful.
So I arranged to go out for a couple drinks with a man that I had been friends with since I was 17 years old. He was someone that I have spent time with in the past and felt comfortable with. But first, I had to check with my monkeys. I tend to not want to do anything without checking with them first. I want them to be able to express to me their fears and wishes.
Jacob, now 9, tells me "it's about time!"
Kyle asks if he can come along, "Mommy, I just want to go with you. I want to make sure you are o.k."
It was sweet. I have to admit.
So it's 7:15 p.m. on Thursday night and he pulls in the driveway to pick me up. Of course, all of my monkeys and two of the three from upstairs are outside playing so they have to check him out.
"Mom, just remember, I am here if you need me" Jacob tells me.
Then he pulls me aside and asks me to keep one rule for him "no kissing on the lips tonight Mommy, you need to save that for the 22nd date".
I smile at him sweetly and tell him, no kissing on the lips.
After a great evening of conversation, I arrive home at 11 p.m.
"Hey Mom, what was he like?"
"Did you have fun?"
"Do we get to meet him?"
"Are you going to go out again?"
I felt like I was answering 20 questions from my parents like when I was back in high school. It was so sweet.
Then as I was getting ready for bed, Jacob came in my room and said, "Mom, I just have to know, did you keep my rule? at least for tonight?"
I smile at him and said, "baby doll, I told you no kissing on the lips, right? Don't you sweat it!"
"Phew" he says, "so when are you going out again? You drive me crazy when you are home!"
So I arranged to go out for a couple drinks with a man that I had been friends with since I was 17 years old. He was someone that I have spent time with in the past and felt comfortable with. But first, I had to check with my monkeys. I tend to not want to do anything without checking with them first. I want them to be able to express to me their fears and wishes.
Jacob, now 9, tells me "it's about time!"
Kyle asks if he can come along, "Mommy, I just want to go with you. I want to make sure you are o.k."
It was sweet. I have to admit.
So it's 7:15 p.m. on Thursday night and he pulls in the driveway to pick me up. Of course, all of my monkeys and two of the three from upstairs are outside playing so they have to check him out.
"Mom, just remember, I am here if you need me" Jacob tells me.
Then he pulls me aside and asks me to keep one rule for him "no kissing on the lips tonight Mommy, you need to save that for the 22nd date".
I smile at him sweetly and tell him, no kissing on the lips.
After a great evening of conversation, I arrive home at 11 p.m.
"Hey Mom, what was he like?"
"Did you have fun?"
"Do we get to meet him?"
"Are you going to go out again?"
I felt like I was answering 20 questions from my parents like when I was back in high school. It was so sweet.
Then as I was getting ready for bed, Jacob came in my room and said, "Mom, I just have to know, did you keep my rule? at least for tonight?"
I smile at him and said, "baby doll, I told you no kissing on the lips, right? Don't you sweat it!"
"Phew" he says, "so when are you going out again? You drive me crazy when you are home!"
Monday, August 17, 2009
Memory Lane
It was Saturday night. I had all four of my monkeys at home with me. Lately, they have been finding it necessary to kick me out of the house for a few hours when this rare occasion happens. My 9 year old, Jacob, has been telling me I need to get out, find a boyfriend and go. When I ask him why, he tells me I am driving him crazy - hanging out with him!!
Saturday night was different somehow. We all hung out together and watched National Treasure 2 - which is one of our favorites. We laughed and teased eachother about silly things most of the night.
When the movie was over, I took that opportunity to sit down with my boys to tell them that I knew things had been crazy in our life, but that we were a family - the 5 of us and we were going to make it. Money is tighter than ever and there are a few things - like cable TV - that we have been without and that might have to continue for a few more months. But I assured them, that Mom loved them all and even though I might get a little hard on them right now - trying to get them to help me - things were going to be o.k.
During this conversation, Jacob brought up his cousins, Sarah and Erik. We have not had a chance to see them in nearly 10 years. I told them a little about them, some of the great funny memories I had...
Then Alex, my 13 year old, says to me, "Mom, I remember her. She and I got along really good didn't we?"
I laughed and said, "yes, she was like your little girlfriend".
I laughed some more to myself, recalling the funniest little story about Alex and Sarah when Alex was only 2. You will have to take my word for it because I think he would be far too embarrassed for me to share it just yet, but as I shared it with my boys, they laughed so hard they nearly wet their pants - ALL 4 OF THEM!! It was so great to laugh like with them.
As I went to bed that night, after sharing lots of stories with them, I don't think I could stop smiling. It was so amazing, how staying home that Saturday night provided me with more fun and entertainment than any night out could have given me. After all, those boys, are MY BOYS, my babies and they are truly amazing, and wonderful and sweet - and even though they can get so naughty - I wouldn't trade love like that for anything in the world.
I am so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to share memories and laughter and love.
Saturday night was different somehow. We all hung out together and watched National Treasure 2 - which is one of our favorites. We laughed and teased eachother about silly things most of the night.
When the movie was over, I took that opportunity to sit down with my boys to tell them that I knew things had been crazy in our life, but that we were a family - the 5 of us and we were going to make it. Money is tighter than ever and there are a few things - like cable TV - that we have been without and that might have to continue for a few more months. But I assured them, that Mom loved them all and even though I might get a little hard on them right now - trying to get them to help me - things were going to be o.k.
During this conversation, Jacob brought up his cousins, Sarah and Erik. We have not had a chance to see them in nearly 10 years. I told them a little about them, some of the great funny memories I had...
Then Alex, my 13 year old, says to me, "Mom, I remember her. She and I got along really good didn't we?"
I laughed and said, "yes, she was like your little girlfriend".
I laughed some more to myself, recalling the funniest little story about Alex and Sarah when Alex was only 2. You will have to take my word for it because I think he would be far too embarrassed for me to share it just yet, but as I shared it with my boys, they laughed so hard they nearly wet their pants - ALL 4 OF THEM!! It was so great to laugh like with them.
As I went to bed that night, after sharing lots of stories with them, I don't think I could stop smiling. It was so amazing, how staying home that Saturday night provided me with more fun and entertainment than any night out could have given me. After all, those boys, are MY BOYS, my babies and they are truly amazing, and wonderful and sweet - and even though they can get so naughty - I wouldn't trade love like that for anything in the world.
I am so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to share memories and laughter and love.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Broken Hearts
The other night, my son Jacob called me frantically into his room. There was something there I just had to see.
When I got there, he pointed to this picture hanging on his wall up by his bed.
"Crawl up there Mom, look at it" he says.
So, I very unsteadily climbed up the metal ladder for his bunk bed and viewed the picture on his wall.
It was a picture of a man, woman and child, holding hands happily. Above them it said "Mommy, Daddy & Jacob = Happy Family"
By the time I turned to look at him he was crying.
"Why Mommy, why did you have to ask Daddy to leave?"
Understanding that most children at 9 shouldn't know half the things he knows, I tried to explain to him that Mommy and Daddy fought all the time and we weren't happy and I cried a lot and that just wasn't good for any of us.
"She did cry you know" my little Kyle piped in.
"But you could have just done it for us Mom, Daddy promised you would never get divorced. Now you lied to me. You lied Mom"
What do you say at a time like this.
"I'm sorry Baby" I told him.
"Get off my bed now" he said "I need you to leave my room."
I didn't know what more to say so I climbed down off his bed and went to my room and felt like a baby myself. I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried and cried.
I heard my door open a little bit and I saw my 5 year old standing there. He ran up and hugged me tighter than I think he ever has before and started crying too.
"It's o.k Mommy," he said, "Don't cry. I love you"
A few minutes later Jacob appeared in my door too...
"Boy," he said,"we are all a bunch of crying weirdos."
Before you knew it we were all hugging and laughing...
When I got there, he pointed to this picture hanging on his wall up by his bed.
"Crawl up there Mom, look at it" he says.
So, I very unsteadily climbed up the metal ladder for his bunk bed and viewed the picture on his wall.
It was a picture of a man, woman and child, holding hands happily. Above them it said "Mommy, Daddy & Jacob = Happy Family"
By the time I turned to look at him he was crying.
"Why Mommy, why did you have to ask Daddy to leave?"
Understanding that most children at 9 shouldn't know half the things he knows, I tried to explain to him that Mommy and Daddy fought all the time and we weren't happy and I cried a lot and that just wasn't good for any of us.
"She did cry you know" my little Kyle piped in.
"But you could have just done it for us Mom, Daddy promised you would never get divorced. Now you lied to me. You lied Mom"
What do you say at a time like this.
"I'm sorry Baby" I told him.
"Get off my bed now" he said "I need you to leave my room."
I didn't know what more to say so I climbed down off his bed and went to my room and felt like a baby myself. I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried and cried.
I heard my door open a little bit and I saw my 5 year old standing there. He ran up and hugged me tighter than I think he ever has before and started crying too.
"It's o.k Mommy," he said, "Don't cry. I love you"
A few minutes later Jacob appeared in my door too...
"Boy," he said,"we are all a bunch of crying weirdos."
Before you knew it we were all hugging and laughing...
Monday, July 13, 2009
Always for My Monkeys
Usually I write little stories about the boys. Cute things they say or do that I never want to forget that can so easily be forgotten in the business of life...
This time, I decided it needed to be different.
Recently, I have talked to too many people experiencing the same thing as I am - going through a divorce. The most important thing about my divorce, and many of theirs, is that we are not going through it alone. Too often, there are children involved.
No matter what the circumstance is surrounding a divorce - whether one spouse has been unfaithful or if your marriage has ended for any other reason - the children need to become the focus of your actions. This is too often forgotten.
In my situation, it was difficult as my husband had ALWAYS been the caretaker for my children. As a mom, it was such a difficult choice for me to let my babies go and let them go live with their Dad and to become the "every-other-weekend" parent. It tore me apart and my empty house suddenly became a place I really didn't want to be.
Recent circumstances has changed that arrangement and my monkeys are now back at home with me, and though I couldn't be happier, in my heart, I still feel for their father. After all, I think about how my heart was broken when they left my home and so I know that his was broken too when he moved their things back in the house last night.
In fact, he even said to me, as he carried in the last bag, "I want you to know this is the worst feeling I have ever felt."
The thing that I want to share with my friends that are experiencing these things, is that above all else - no matter what hatred or hurt you might be feeling, keep your kids first. Continue to be a responsible parent, a loving parent and remember right now, your children are probably really confused - so love them just a little more than you ever have before, give them that extra time, play that extra game of cards before bed, give them 20 hugs instead of 10.
At the same time, provide them some stability. Keep to your rules and be a responsible loving parent - they need you now more than ever.
You might find that you need them now more than ever too!
This time, I decided it needed to be different.
Recently, I have talked to too many people experiencing the same thing as I am - going through a divorce. The most important thing about my divorce, and many of theirs, is that we are not going through it alone. Too often, there are children involved.
No matter what the circumstance is surrounding a divorce - whether one spouse has been unfaithful or if your marriage has ended for any other reason - the children need to become the focus of your actions. This is too often forgotten.
In my situation, it was difficult as my husband had ALWAYS been the caretaker for my children. As a mom, it was such a difficult choice for me to let my babies go and let them go live with their Dad and to become the "every-other-weekend" parent. It tore me apart and my empty house suddenly became a place I really didn't want to be.
Recent circumstances has changed that arrangement and my monkeys are now back at home with me, and though I couldn't be happier, in my heart, I still feel for their father. After all, I think about how my heart was broken when they left my home and so I know that his was broken too when he moved their things back in the house last night.
In fact, he even said to me, as he carried in the last bag, "I want you to know this is the worst feeling I have ever felt."
The thing that I want to share with my friends that are experiencing these things, is that above all else - no matter what hatred or hurt you might be feeling, keep your kids first. Continue to be a responsible parent, a loving parent and remember right now, your children are probably really confused - so love them just a little more than you ever have before, give them that extra time, play that extra game of cards before bed, give them 20 hugs instead of 10.
At the same time, provide them some stability. Keep to your rules and be a responsible loving parent - they need you now more than ever.
You might find that you need them now more than ever too!
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Broken Hearted Little Boy
Divorce is hard on children of all ages. I remember when I went through my first divorce, my children, Travis and Alex, were so young then that it seemed to not affect them too much. I know now, as they have gotten older, it still affects them - every day.
My two little boys, Jacob and Kyle, are now facing the same thing as their Dad and I have realized that, though we love eachother, we just can't be together anymore.
The road has been hard and long already but we are finally getting along and for the kids, it seems to be making it better - as good as it can be.
Today, however, Jacob was broken hearted.
His broken heart was not caused by his Dad or myself this time though. It was caused by the woman whose children live upstairs from us.
There are 3 kids that live in the upstairs apartment from our home. They are 14, 10 and 9. From the day that we moved in all of the kids have played together so well.
Today, Jacob went upstairs, like any other day, to see if the oldest boy who he gets along with the best, Miguel, could play. Before I could turn around, he was running down the stairs crying his eyes out because he was told by Miguel's mom that he was too young to play with Miguel anymore. Even though they had just been outside last night til 9 p.m. playing together.
Funny how you can separate a family and kids seem to be o.k but tear apart friends, and watch their little hearts break right in two...
My two little boys, Jacob and Kyle, are now facing the same thing as their Dad and I have realized that, though we love eachother, we just can't be together anymore.
The road has been hard and long already but we are finally getting along and for the kids, it seems to be making it better - as good as it can be.
Today, however, Jacob was broken hearted.
His broken heart was not caused by his Dad or myself this time though. It was caused by the woman whose children live upstairs from us.
There are 3 kids that live in the upstairs apartment from our home. They are 14, 10 and 9. From the day that we moved in all of the kids have played together so well.
Today, Jacob went upstairs, like any other day, to see if the oldest boy who he gets along with the best, Miguel, could play. Before I could turn around, he was running down the stairs crying his eyes out because he was told by Miguel's mom that he was too young to play with Miguel anymore. Even though they had just been outside last night til 9 p.m. playing together.
Funny how you can separate a family and kids seem to be o.k but tear apart friends, and watch their little hearts break right in two...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Spring
This is what spring time is all about...
Last night, I sat on my front porch, watching my 4 boys playing together nicely.
No joke.
Sometimes this happens. It was the sweetest mom moment I have had in a long time!!
That is what spring is about, boys playing outside, laughing and loving eachother, even if it was only for a half an hour!
Last night, I sat on my front porch, watching my 4 boys playing together nicely.
No joke.
Sometimes this happens. It was the sweetest mom moment I have had in a long time!!
That is what spring is about, boys playing outside, laughing and loving eachother, even if it was only for a half an hour!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Long Cold Walk
It was yesterday - you know, 10 degrees, sun shining.... Travis needed to go to his Dad's house after school to work on a school project.
He sent me a text message at about 3:30 asking me if he was supposed to walk there. I told him I couldn't leave work at the moment so he would probably have to.
"See you Saturday then" was the response I received back.
I had forgotten that it was that day when they head back to their Dad's for a few days.
I sent him a message and told him to walk where I work and I would take him to his Dad's that way I could see him before he left.
He decides that he would do this.
About 20 minutes later, I get a message "I'm here".
I send him one back "come in"
"Where are you?"
"I am in the door, up the stairs"
My phone rings... "Mom, where are you?"
"Where are you?" I ask back - somewhat confused...
"I'm in the parking lot" he says. I tell him I will be right out.
I go outside and I look around. I yell for him a little bit... nothing...
I call him, "where are you honey?"
"Mom, I think I don't know where you work" he says to me.
I laughed... he had walked to a different shop all the way across town from me.
"I'll be right there baby, stay put".
He's such a sweet kid. He is so smart!! I bet he never forgets where I work again! :)
He sent me a text message at about 3:30 asking me if he was supposed to walk there. I told him I couldn't leave work at the moment so he would probably have to.
"See you Saturday then" was the response I received back.
I had forgotten that it was that day when they head back to their Dad's for a few days.
I sent him a message and told him to walk where I work and I would take him to his Dad's that way I could see him before he left.
He decides that he would do this.
About 20 minutes later, I get a message "I'm here".
I send him one back "come in"
"Where are you?"
"I am in the door, up the stairs"
My phone rings... "Mom, where are you?"
"Where are you?" I ask back - somewhat confused...
"I'm in the parking lot" he says. I tell him I will be right out.
I go outside and I look around. I yell for him a little bit... nothing...
I call him, "where are you honey?"
"Mom, I think I don't know where you work" he says to me.
I laughed... he had walked to a different shop all the way across town from me.
"I'll be right there baby, stay put".
He's such a sweet kid. He is so smart!! I bet he never forgets where I work again! :)
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