The Hardest Day

So I dreaded Friday... the day the court would finally grant my divorce and decide the future for my children...

And then I was given the word...

Jacob and Kyle would be mine, all mine...

So today, I had to tell the boys what the judge decided.  I closed my eyes and prayed to God to give me strength a MILLION times over the course of the last week... I prayed he would help me understand why their Daddy was not getting better and I prayed for strength to help me help my children understand that I love their Daddy but needed to do what was best for my babies. 

So today, I told them what the judge decided.

I sat them down with Dean by my side... giving me added strength to answer any questions that might come up. 

Sadly,

Very sadly,

They both understood every word and knew that Mommy was doing what was best for them.  They both feel that until Daddy is better, that this is what needs to be done.  They are concerned about someone else being there when they visit and they would like to go to his house, but they know, in their hearts, that this is what is right.

How sad.

Never did I imagine that this would happen.

I blamed myself for so long.

I still blame myself.

If only...

I think I can ask that question every day for the rest of my "What if I would have..."

I need to heal too for my children need me now more than ever.  They need me to be their everything, their strength, their love, their support... I am so grateful they have opened their hearts to God...

He will guide them through this day and every day forward...

But I wish they would never have had to  go through this day...