Never a Thought

Never did I imagine that life for my children would end up the way it is today.

Never a thought crossed my mind that they would ever feel pain and hurt the way they have.

The mistakes I have made.

The lives I have touched.

The lives that have touched ours...

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children doesn't believe in God.

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children feels they are stuipd.

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children longs for his father every day.

Somewhere I made a mistake,
and now one of my children thinks only I can do things for him.

I can't change my past.

I can't fix the damage I have done.

It's my fault.

Those therapy sessions of the future shoudl be paid for by me.

It's my fault.

I have damaged their innocense.

The choices I made,
The things I thought I did right,
The things I knew were wrong.

It's my fault.

To go back to that first day
that I ever held their little hands...

To go back to that first day
I ever kissed their little heads...

I counted their fingers,
I counted their toes,
I examined their ears, their eyes, their nose...

I wanted to make sure they were just right...

So I could mess them up I guess...

I can never say sorry enough for the pain I have placed in their hearts.

I can never say sorry enought for the damage I have done.

I can't go back and change any of it..

I can go forward.
I can continue to love them
with my whole heart and soul
and do only my best to continue to make up for the time I have lost
and do only my best to teach them the importance of God, family and love

I just hope they want to go forward with me.

The Hardest Day

So I dreaded Friday... the day the court would finally grant my divorce and decide the future for my children...

And then I was given the word...

Jacob and Kyle would be mine, all mine...

So today, I had to tell the boys what the judge decided.  I closed my eyes and prayed to God to give me strength a MILLION times over the course of the last week... I prayed he would help me understand why their Daddy was not getting better and I prayed for strength to help me help my children understand that I love their Daddy but needed to do what was best for my babies. 

So today, I told them what the judge decided.

I sat them down with Dean by my side... giving me added strength to answer any questions that might come up. 

Sadly,

Very sadly,

They both understood every word and knew that Mommy was doing what was best for them.  They both feel that until Daddy is better, that this is what needs to be done.  They are concerned about someone else being there when they visit and they would like to go to his house, but they know, in their hearts, that this is what is right.

How sad.

Never did I imagine that this would happen.

I blamed myself for so long.

I still blame myself.

If only...

I think I can ask that question every day for the rest of my "What if I would have..."

I need to heal too for my children need me now more than ever.  They need me to be their everything, their strength, their love, their support... I am so grateful they have opened their hearts to God...

He will guide them through this day and every day forward...

But I wish they would never have had to  go through this day... 

Wrapped Up in a Moment

This morning, sometime around 4 a.m., I was awoken by the feeling of my little Kyle, my 5 year old angel, crawling up in bed and laying on top of me. This is something I don't recall he has done since he was just a baby.

Don't get me wrong, he crawls into my bed every night and wraps his one arm around me or his leg or his foot... he always has to be touching me, just to know that I am there.

This morning was so different, so sweet.

Just like an infant that lies still on the chest of their parent, my little baby crawled right up there. What made even more sweet for me was that he was wearing his cute little fuzzy "footie" pajamas. Just like those he would have worn as an infant.

I laid there, holding him, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back. At least until his little hand reached up to wipe off the kisses I had left him, like he always does.

Then he scooted over next to me, wrapped his arm around me and was back asleep.

Funny, with all the drama in my life right now, I think that very moment, calmed my heart and mind like nothing has in a long time.

He took my breath away and stole my heart all over again...

Mommy's Date

O.k, so it's only been a few months since Mark has been gone, but I am learning that sometimes just getting out for a little adult companionship is not harmful.

So I arranged to go out for a couple drinks with a man that I had been friends with since I was 17 years old. He was someone that I have spent time with in the past and felt comfortable with. But first, I had to check with my monkeys. I tend to not want to do anything without checking with them first. I want them to be able to express to me their fears and wishes.

Jacob, now 9, tells me "it's about time!"

Kyle asks if he can come along, "Mommy, I just want to go with you. I want to make sure you are o.k."

It was sweet. I have to admit.

So it's 7:15 p.m. on Thursday night and he pulls in the driveway to pick me up. Of course, all of my monkeys and two of the three from upstairs are outside playing so they have to check him out.

"Mom, just remember, I am here if you need me" Jacob tells me.

Then he pulls me aside and asks me to keep one rule for him "no kissing on the lips tonight Mommy, you need to save that for the 22nd date".

I smile at him sweetly and tell him, no kissing on the lips.

After a great evening of conversation, I arrive home at 11 p.m.

"Hey Mom, what was he like?"

"Did you have fun?"

"Do we get to meet him?"

"Are you going to go out again?"

I felt like I was answering 20 questions from my parents like when I was back in high school. It was so sweet.

Then as I was getting ready for bed, Jacob came in my room and said, "Mom, I just have to know, did you keep my rule? at least for tonight?"

I smile at him and said, "baby doll, I told you no kissing on the lips, right? Don't you sweat it!"

"Phew" he says, "so when are you going out again? You drive me crazy when you are home!"

Memory Lane

It was Saturday night. I had all four of my monkeys at home with me. Lately, they have been finding it necessary to kick me out of the house for a few hours when this rare occasion happens. My 9 year old, Jacob, has been telling me I need to get out, find a boyfriend and go. When I ask him why, he tells me I am driving him crazy - hanging out with him!!

Saturday night was different somehow. We all hung out together and watched National Treasure 2 - which is one of our favorites. We laughed and teased eachother about silly things most of the night.

When the movie was over, I took that opportunity to sit down with my boys to tell them that I knew things had been crazy in our life, but that we were a family - the 5 of us and we were going to make it. Money is tighter than ever and there are a few things - like cable TV - that we have been without and that might have to continue for a few more months. But I assured them, that Mom loved them all and even though I might get a little hard on them right now - trying to get them to help me - things were going to be o.k.

During this conversation, Jacob brought up his cousins, Sarah and Erik. We have not had a chance to see them in nearly 10 years. I told them a little about them, some of the great funny memories I had...

Then Alex, my 13 year old, says to me, "Mom, I remember her. She and I got along really good didn't we?"

I laughed and said, "yes, she was like your little girlfriend".

I laughed some more to myself, recalling the funniest little story about Alex and Sarah when Alex was only 2. You will have to take my word for it because I think he would be far too embarrassed for me to share it just yet, but as I shared it with my boys, they laughed so hard they nearly wet their pants - ALL 4 OF THEM!! It was so great to laugh like with them.

As I went to bed that night, after sharing lots of stories with them, I don't think I could stop smiling. It was so amazing, how staying home that Saturday night provided me with more fun and entertainment than any night out could have given me. After all, those boys, are MY BOYS, my babies and they are truly amazing, and wonderful and sweet - and even though they can get so naughty - I wouldn't trade love like that for anything in the world.

I am so blessed to have them in my life and to be able to share memories and laughter and love.

Broken Hearts

The other night, my son Jacob called me frantically into his room. There was something there I just had to see.

When I got there, he pointed to this picture hanging on his wall up by his bed.

"Crawl up there Mom, look at it" he says.

So, I very unsteadily climbed up the metal ladder for his bunk bed and viewed the picture on his wall.

It was a picture of a man, woman and child, holding hands happily. Above them it said "Mommy, Daddy & Jacob = Happy Family"

By the time I turned to look at him he was crying.

"Why Mommy, why did you have to ask Daddy to leave?"

Understanding that most children at 9 shouldn't know half the things he knows, I tried to explain to him that Mommy and Daddy fought all the time and we weren't happy and I cried a lot and that just wasn't good for any of us.

"She did cry you know" my little Kyle piped in.

"But you could have just done it for us Mom, Daddy promised you would never get divorced. Now you lied to me. You lied Mom"

What do you say at a time like this.

"I'm sorry Baby" I told him.

"Get off my bed now" he said "I need you to leave my room."

I didn't know what more to say so I climbed down off his bed and went to my room and felt like a baby myself. I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried and cried.

I heard my door open a little bit and I saw my 5 year old standing there. He ran up and hugged me tighter than I think he ever has before and started crying too.

"It's o.k Mommy," he said, "Don't cry. I love you"

A few minutes later Jacob appeared in my door too...

"Boy," he said,"we are all a bunch of crying weirdos."

Before you knew it we were all hugging and laughing...

Always for My Monkeys

Usually I write little stories about the boys. Cute things they say or do that I never want to forget that can so easily be forgotten in the business of life...

This time, I decided it needed to be different.

Recently, I have talked to too many people experiencing the same thing as I am - going through a divorce. The most important thing about my divorce, and many of theirs, is that we are not going through it alone. Too often, there are children involved.

No matter what the circumstance is surrounding a divorce - whether one spouse has been unfaithful or if your marriage has ended for any other reason - the children need to become the focus of your actions. This is too often forgotten.

In my situation, it was difficult as my husband had ALWAYS been the caretaker for my children. As a mom, it was such a difficult choice for me to let my babies go and let them go live with their Dad and to become the "every-other-weekend" parent. It tore me apart and my empty house suddenly became a place I really didn't want to be.

Recent circumstances has changed that arrangement and my monkeys are now back at home with me, and though I couldn't be happier, in my heart, I still feel for their father. After all, I think about how my heart was broken when they left my home and so I know that his was broken too when he moved their things back in the house last night.

In fact, he even said to me, as he carried in the last bag, "I want you to know this is the worst feeling I have ever felt."

The thing that I want to share with my friends that are experiencing these things, is that above all else - no matter what hatred or hurt you might be feeling, keep your kids first. Continue to be a responsible parent, a loving parent and remember right now, your children are probably really confused - so love them just a little more than you ever have before, give them that extra time, play that extra game of cards before bed, give them 20 hugs instead of 10.

At the same time, provide them some stability. Keep to your rules and be a responsible loving parent - they need you now more than ever.

You might find that you need them now more than ever too!

Broken Hearted Little Boy

Divorce is hard on children of all ages. I remember when I went through my first divorce, my children, Travis and Alex, were so young then that it seemed to not affect them too much. I know now, as they have gotten older, it still affects them - every day.

My two little boys, Jacob and Kyle, are now facing the same thing as their Dad and I have realized that, though we love eachother, we just can't be together anymore.

The road has been hard and long already but we are finally getting along and for the kids, it seems to be making it better - as good as it can be.

Today, however, Jacob was broken hearted.

His broken heart was not caused by his Dad or myself this time though. It was caused by the woman whose children live upstairs from us.

There are 3 kids that live in the upstairs apartment from our home. They are 14, 10 and 9. From the day that we moved in all of the kids have played together so well.

Today, Jacob went upstairs, like any other day, to see if the oldest boy who he gets along with the best, Miguel, could play. Before I could turn around, he was running down the stairs crying his eyes out because he was told by Miguel's mom that he was too young to play with Miguel anymore. Even though they had just been outside last night til 9 p.m. playing together.

Funny how you can separate a family and kids seem to be o.k but tear apart friends, and watch their little hearts break right in two...

Spring

This is what spring time is all about...

Last night, I sat on my front porch, watching my 4 boys playing together nicely.

No joke.

Sometimes this happens. It was the sweetest mom moment I have had in a long time!!

That is what spring is about, boys playing outside, laughing and loving eachother, even if it was only for a half an hour!

A Long Cold Walk

It was yesterday - you know, 10 degrees, sun shining.... Travis needed to go to his Dad's house after school to work on a school project.

He sent me a text message at about 3:30 asking me if he was supposed to walk there. I told him I couldn't leave work at the moment so he would probably have to.

"See you Saturday then" was the response I received back.

I had forgotten that it was that day when they head back to their Dad's for a few days.

I sent him a message and told him to walk where I work and I would take him to his Dad's that way I could see him before he left.

He decides that he would do this.

About 20 minutes later, I get a message "I'm here".

I send him one back "come in"

"Where are you?"

"I am in the door, up the stairs"

My phone rings... "Mom, where are you?"

"Where are you?" I ask back - somewhat confused...

"I'm in the parking lot" he says. I tell him I will be right out.

I go outside and I look around. I yell for him a little bit... nothing...

I call him, "where are you honey?"

"Mom, I think I don't know where you work" he says to me.

I laughed... he had walked to a different shop all the way across town from me.

"I'll be right there baby, stay put".

He's such a sweet kid. He is so smart!! I bet he never forgets where I work again! :)

Worth the Memory

The other night I sat in the bathroom next to my little Kyle as he brushed his teeth before bed. I remember when we first started this process - of course, he was too little to do any part himself. Then he "graduated" to being able to reach the sink with his step-stool and could do some of the brushing...

This night, we sat in there while he brushed and then he filled his drink cup all the way to the top. He does this every time he brushes. He rinses his mouth with the water and tries to "spout" it all the way across the top of the sink - I think his uncle Jimmy taught him this! Then when he's done, he usually washes his face, his hands then dries up with the towel and heads to bed... but this time, something was different.

This time, Kyle stood up on his tip-toes just enough that he could see the top of his head in the mirror. Boy did he get excited!

"Mom! I can see!"

"I know!" I told him, "What a BIG boy you have grown to be".

Seeing him measure how much of his head he could see in the mirror reminded me that when my family first moved into our home in Mayville 31 years ago, I had only been 5 at the time. I remember going in the bathroom to brush my teeth and only being able to see the top part of my head.

I used to keep track of how tall I had gotten by how much more of my head I could see each year!! :)

It made me smile - realizing that this little monkey was doing the same thing I had done so many years ago.

How time flies, how we grow, and change - yet some things will forever stay the same.

Lazy Mama

So my little Kyle, my 4 year old little angel, has been going to a babysitter a few days a week lately. I am not sure that this is as easy of a schedule change as it should be...

Every morning when I try to wake him up, I fight with him...

He puts the covers back over his head.

He keeps his eyes closed while he tells me "I'm sweepin' mama go away".

He turns the fan (which I had just turned off) back on HIGH! then covers back up his head with the blanket!

I try to tickle him... he laughs in his "sweep" and keeps his eyes closed and tells me to "stop it mama, I'm sweepin'"

Then, I kiss him. Kyle does NOT like mama kisses, he wipes it away, the whole time with his eyes closed.

The other morning I asked him, "If you are sleeping, how can you tell it's mama kissin' you and not Daddy?"

"I just know these things mama" he says with his eyes still closed, "besides, your kisses are yucky and Daddy's aren't."

After these morning fights, I finally get him to the sitter who is a friend of mine. One night at work, she tells me, "Kyle called you lazy today."

"What?" I asked shocked, well, sort-of.

Apparently one of the other little kids told Kyle that his mama looked like another kids mama. Kyle said "You're right, only my mama is lazy".

When the babysitter asked him why he said that, he replied, "she just is. She NEVER wants to get up in the morning!!"

Daddy's Little Finger

Kyle has this...

He is wrapped around Daddy's little finger and he has Daddy wrapped around his!!

It's night time, it's bed time, it's KYLE'S bedtime. Let's keep in mind the boy is 4!

"Daddy," he comes out of the room saying with his head cocked to one side looking cute,"one more thing Daddy."

"Yes?" Daddy says.

"Um... will you talk about my Christmas presents with Mama?"

"After you go to bed" Daddy says.

"O.k" Kyle says and runs back to his room.

2 minutes later...

"Daddy?"

"Yes Kyle?"

"One more thing Daddy..."

"Yes Kyle?"

"I love you Daddy."

"I love you too Kyle."

Kyle runs back to his room.

2 minutes later...

"Daddy?"

"Yes Kyle?"

"I just want to lay by you for a whittle while" he says.

"O.k for a little while" Daddy says.

During this time, Kyle persists on asking questions, insisting that he stays a little longer, and gets his Daddy involved in quite the conversation. I wish I could tell you what time my little 4 year old goes to bed at night, but sometime around 11 each night, I fall asleep...

Time in a New Perspective

This morning, I was telling one of the girls I work with about the day that Kyle stuck a K'nex piece up his nose. I remembered that I had written about it on my blog, so I brought up the website and I printed it out.

I then found myself reading some of my old stories - mostly the ones about Jacob. It's so hard for me to remember him when he was only 4. The stories I read made me remember that little boy. My big, brown-eyed, cutie. Mommy and Daddy's precious little guy. Yet, just yesterday I was signing his planner for the 3rd grade reading a note from the teacher that he had gotten in trouble at school!!

He still is the funniest kid - just like back then. He still can bring a smile to my face in an instant with his sweetness, yet he challenges me like no other child of mine can.

I just read a story about how he crawled up on my lap to give me a "huggy" one night before bed. It was July of 2004. He still hugs me before bed sometimes, but not without me having to tackle him first.

Then there was the story when he cried and didn't want his Daddy to leave for work because he was going to miss him too much - now he goes off and spends the night with his friends.

Time.

It would sure be nice to put it on "pause" once in a while - just to remember, to take a moment to relive those special times. And then let it play again so you can create some more of those moments that, as a parent, make your heart just stop.

A Sad Kyle Day

Saturday was Jacob's first sleepover at a friends house.

Kyle cried. He just wanted Jacob to be home with him and couldn't understand why Jacob had to go.

He cried and cried and fought with his Daddy.

"When is Jacob getting home?" he would ask over and over again.

We thought we would take him to the apple orchard for something fun. He kicked and screamed getting into the truck.

He cried crocodile tears the whole way there and cried some more when we got there and crossed his arms over the seatbelt so we couldn't take him out of the truck.

We took him to the movie store and rented some Diego movies to watch with him.

When the movies were over, he cried again.

He finally fell asleep.

When he woke up the next day, he cried some more when he realized that Jacob still wasn't home and cried over and over again until Jacob walked through the door on Sunday.

When Jacob got home, tired and crabby from staying up WAY too late, Kyle told him he didn't even miss him anyway and he wished he would have just stayed at his friends house.

Kids.

2000 Flushes of Fun

Who would have ever guessed that when Mark went to the store to buy a toilet bowl cleaner that he would have purchased more laughs for the boys than any new toy they received in months!!



Mark picked up a pack of 2000 Flushes Blue for the toilet bowl and wanted to be sure after putting it in that Kyle knew that the water would be blue when he flushed it so he wasn't worried.



He called him into the bathroom to point it out and the laughs began! For the next 20 minutes he and Jacob laughed out loud discussing the color the water would be if they went pee or what if they went pee and poop!



Kyle immediately had to use the bathroom to check this out and cracked up when the water turned green after going pee!!



I guess the next time your children are bored and you are searching for something fun, pull out the 2000 Flushes and let them have the time of their lives!!

Engaging...

Today I learned what happens after you get married.

Jacob and Kyle were sitting at the kitchen table coloring. Mark had run out for gas for the lawn mower and I was cooking lunch.

After talking to Mark on the phone for a minute, and telling him "I love you too, Baby" before hanging up like I always do, Jacob says to me, "Ooo... who do you love?"

"Your Daddy" I tell him. "In fact, your Daddy is the love of my life."

Kyle said something about kissing... though I am not sure exactly what, and then Jacob says, "Mommy does kiss Daddy. They kiss all the time. That's what you do you know. First you meet, then you fall in love, then you kiss then you get married."

"Oh" Kyle adds.

"Then after you get married, you are engaging" Jacob adds.

Overhearing this, I am confused. "Engaging in what?" I ask.

"Engaging in getting the meat" he says very certain.

"WHAT?" I ask completely shocked by what he said.

"You know, you 'gotta get the meat" he says. After which he just kept coloring like it was nothing.

I sat there, confused, laughing, but then really understanding why he said what he said.

The Great K'Nex Debate

One night a month or so ago, my little Kyle comes to the kitchen in tears.

"Mama, I gotta 'necht up my nose."

He was crying so hard.

"What?" I asked him again in disbelief.

"I gotta 'necht up my nose."

"What do we do now?" his Daddy asks me in a slight state of panic.

"We take him to the emergency room" I say.

I run around the house, getting Kyle's shoes on and jacket. Jacob is also there. He finds this all quite entertaining.

"That's so cool" he says.

"No, Jacob. It's not cool and it's not funny." I tell him.

Meanwhile I finally get everything all ready and load Kyle in the car. As I am buckling him in, he looks up at me and says, "Mama, I have a 'necht up my nose and it's not cool and it's not funny."

"No, it's not is it baby? Why did you put a K'nex up your nose?" I ask him curiously.

"I not have any place to put it Mama."

"Ah, I see. And your nose? It seemed to fit there just fine?"

"Yeah" he says again, beginning to cry.

"It's o.k baby. Mama will take you to a doctor and he will get it out for you."

We went to the emergency room where the nurse and the doctor were very polite and did not seem at all surprised by the little blue K'nex that was shoved very carefully up my little baby's nose.

The doctor used an adhesive and a cotton swab to remove the lost K'nex. Kyle was such a tough guy, he didn't even cry!

As I am getting ready to leave the emergency room, the doctor pulls me aside and tells me, "You know, he is only two and he shouldn't be playing with such small toys."

I was sure glad that doctor reminded me that Kyle was only 2 because most days he ACTS like he is 14!! And as far as the K'nex? How do you take away your son's favorite toy that he has been playing with for nearly a year because they are too small and unsafe for him? Especially if they are his favorite thing to do with his older brothers?

You don't.

Just ask Santa. He will tell you how mnay of those tubs of K'nex this Romanowski family will be getting this year and how many he has brought in the past!!

Grandma Jo's

Driving Jacob to school yesterday morning, I think he gave me the perfect real estate ad for his Grandparent's home.

"I like Grandma Jo's house Mom" he said.

"I know" he tells me this all the time.

"You know what I really like?"

"No honey, what is that?"

"I really like the backyard, it's kind of big but it's got all that stuff in it. But that stuff is sort of cool because in the winter when it's, you know... snowball fight time, you can hide behind it."

And before I could get a word in he continued on.

"And then inside the house, you got the bedrooms upstairs, then the dancing room, the chill out room and the basement. The basement is like the cool room. The kitchen is a little small but you got that table room anyway so you just, you know, eat in there, or at that table stuck to the wall."

At this point I was laughing.

"What is the dancing room?" I ask him, curiously.

"You know, the place where Roland hangs out" he says.

"Roland?" I ask.

"Yeah, Roland. Sometimes I call him that. You know, mommy, Grandpa?"

"I know."

"So can we go there soon Mommy? I want to go dancing with Roland!"

Proud of Poopin'

Kyle, my sweet little two-year old, has begun that important phase in life - potty-training. We decided it was time when he would come up to us - look us in the eye and report proudly "I'm peeing".

"It's time" I would tell Mark.

The potty-training job was left to Mark - being the stay-at-home Dad and all. I don't think he was happy with the job, but he was prepared.

A few weeks into it - I would now have to say that he has done a remarkable job. Kyle will now tell you that he has to go potty - at least 5 times an hour. I think he thinks it is fun.

The latest thing for him, has been poopin' on the potty. He is so happy about this.

Just last week, Mark went to pick Jacob up from school. He walks into the school and waits by Jacob's classroom until he is finished and Kyle is always with him (of course).

One day, Jacob's teacher, Miss McConaghy, walked out of the classroom and talked to Kyle. He looked at her proudly and told her, "I can weed (read) too".

"Can you?" she smiled and asked him.

"Ah-huh" he smiled back, "and, I can go pee and poop on the potty!"

"Wow" she said, now smiling at Mark.

"Yep," he said proudly, "I did it today - two times".

"That's good" she said.

Mark said Kyle smiled all the way back to the car. In fact, he even stopped my friends, Michelle and Carrie to share the news - they gave him a high five! He thought he was so cool!

Who would ever think that anyone would be so proud to poop!