Reflections

Strength.
Resilience.
Positive.

These 3 words were used to describe my Little Man tonight by his teacher during his parent teacher conference.  I am so proud of him, and she is too.

This conference was not like most I have been to in all the years I have been going, in fact, at first I wasn't even sure why I was going to a spring parent teacher conference at all.  I don't know that I have ever been called in for one for any of the boys in all the years I have been going (have you noticed that I have avoided trying to count exactly how many years this has been?)

Tonight's conference was mostly about sharing a little bit about our story.  Kyle's teacher needed to understand a little bit about where Kyle was coming from when he was having a little eating issue earlier this year and when I started explaining a few back stories, a whole lot of pieces started fitting together.

I guess I don't talk too much about things at home with the boys teachers.  Maybe because I have always felt judged in the past - being the busy single Mom or the unmarried Mom with the boyfriend or the husband that left her.  I don't know.  I used to read more into things than I should have.  I realized tonight the importance of the pieces at home fitting into the academics.  I realized tonight that my son, despite the stress that we had going on at home in the fall, never showed any sign of it at school.  He never let anyone see how much he was hurting.  I realized tonight that it wasn't until the stress at home was gone that my son finally "cracked" and just needed a break and stopped caring at school.  Maybe it was his way of finally get some of the attention he longed for.

I also realized tonight that sitting with this teacher that had taught all 4 of my children, that my boys have lived through some pretty horrible things and came out pretty strong kids.  I know that they still have their demons and they are still fighting them - but they are strong and they were resilient and I am so proud of all 4 of them.

Looking back at the reflections of our lives and where we were and what we have been through - each of us should be proud.  We made it through some pretty tough battles.  I love my children - I would do anything for them - even if that means teaching them through tough love and methods of parenting that they might not always agree with... parenting is hard.  Being a single mom is hard.  I am grateful that my husband is with me now to help me along the way but I was alone for a long time, even when I was't by myself.

Resilient - yes.  My children are resilient but they have hearts and those hearts have been broken and they don't always mend as softly as they once were - sadly - they have hardened hearts that will be tough to break through but I pray that in time, the right person will be able to show them that not everyone leaves and it's ok and safe to love again ....

Strong and true - this I know they know - but only for one thing - those they love and for family.  For my children there is nothing greater than family.

I am proud of my children.  All 4 of my children.  Tonight was the best conference ever.

Hard to Admit

I haven't posted in a long time.  I think mostly because this blog was originally started to capture the "cuteness" of the life I had with my children when they were little and not the difficult times I was starting to have with them as they were growing older.

To state that my life with my boys was still cute would be mostly a lie.  We have lived a very difficult life - the 5 of us.

My son Alex... he is no longer talking to me.  In fact, after having to ask him to leave my home - again - this past week - he is probably telling the world all types of false stories about me.  Things that hurt me like nothing else.

I guess it breaks my heart more than anything I can ever describe.  I remember when he was little and I used to describe him as my little "Dill Pickle" - a reference from "THE RUGRATS".  He was always his own unique person.  He was so different and didn't care and I loved that so much about him.  He still carries that quality but now he gets so depressed and just thinks that the world hates him.  I have tried to explain to him that depression is a difficult thing to live with but feeling sorry for yourself gets you nowhere in life.  It's a hard cycle.  Something that I have lived with my whole life too.  I just want him to be that exceptional person that I know he has the potential to be but he doesn't think that is what I am trying to do for him.  I wish I could make him see that.

Jacob and I are close - kind of like we were when he was still that little boy asking me to marry him.  I think and pray we always will be.  He has had more than his fair share of struggles.  I know that there are a lot of judgmental people out there that will forever have their views of him but I pray that maybe someday they can see past his ghosts and he can overcome them too.  I know he's got a heart of gold under all of those bad decisions and he will someday be an amazing man and a person that will knock the world out with his talents.  I just have to keep working with him and getting him there and keep him believing in himself.

Life is hard - life is very hard and I wish so much sometimes that I could take these boys back to the days of the cute times of when I first started this blog... but the reality is I can't and we are here - smack dab in the middle of  the reality of life.

It's hard to admit, but things didn't turn out quite as I had always hoped and dreamed for my little family but at the same time, I did the best I could for my boys and they were ALWAYS my first decision and always put first in my life - whether they want to believe that or not.  I love those children with my entire heart and soul and I guess ultimately, that is the best any mother can say.

It's hard to admit, but maybe I just am not very good at my job...

I Know They are Broken

When you feel like you're broken and everything is falling apart, get some Elmer's glue — with Jacob Romanowski.


I woke up to this post on facebook today.. in my heart, I loved it because my children have grown so close lately.  Jacob and Alex used to hate eachother growing up.  Yes, I used the word hate.  A word I never wanted to use in my house.  But Jacob was Mark's baby and he got everything and Alex got blamed for everything and learned to quickly despise the ground Jacob walked on.  I never thought I would see the day that the two of them got along - but they do now.

Life has not been an easy road for my children - especially lately.  

Alex is facing some pretty tough times ahead and I wish I could say that I understood them.  I do know that I have been to blame for many of them - not by him, but by many others, and that is ok I guess. I know the real truth.  

See, here is the thing, my children come from a broken home.  Are you surprised?  And we come from a home where money has never really been a part of our lives - like ever.  So, as a mostly single mom most of their lives, I spent most of my life working my ass off to put food on their table and clothes on their back and a roof over their head and electricity in our home.  I did my best to provide for them and to give them the things they needed and occasionally the things they wanted.  I made some bad choices along the way - but what parent hasn't.  

My children are good kids.  They are growing and learning and trying to find their place in this life the best they can with the resources they have.  they might also make some bad choices along the way but I know in my heart that deep down they are good kids and that they will learn from these choices and their mistakes.  Each of them are broken.... but these days, who isn't broken.  It's a rough world out their and in a conversation I had with my son Jacob the other night, he told me, "Mom, it's not that I don't want to think of my future but you just really never know what is going to happen - look at everything that has happened in our life - I want to just live for right now and not worry about what happened before this - that is my past, I can't do anything about it anymore"

He hasn't seen or heard from his Dad in nearly 5 years - I know he hurts.  I know he is broken - but he tries every day to be strong and to move forward.... 

Life is hard.  

We are all broken in some way - 

I hope Elmer's has made enough glue for all of us.... 

He Used to Smile

He used to smile.

It's so hard as a mom to see the pain and anger in the eyes of one of your children.  That boy sitting across the room from me, with the sunken eyes and broken heart, that boy is STILL one of MY babies.  It breaks my heart to see him hurt and to see him with so much pain in his heart and to know that I can't fix that.

My children, all 4 of them, have endured so much in life.  They have known what it is like to be from a broken home.  Regardless of who is at fault, our home was labeled as "dysfunctional" by the time my oldest son was 4.  I always wanted to believe that we were going to prove the statistics in the world wrong and we were going to make it and show that children from a "dysfunctional" home could be as "normal" as children from a 2-parent home.

I worked hard.  I raised those little boys with my heart and determination.  I was far from perfect.  I made mistakes.  I was easy on them and at the same time, I would snap at them when I had a bad day or week....

Each of my boys have a uniqueness to them.  I have admired each of them for different qualities - their pride, their determination, their humor and their kind hearts.

I have had my heart broken when I hear them talk of things from their life with so much anger or hurt - knowing that I should have protected them more or done things differently to avoid the heartache and pain they feel.

As a mother, I think I have grown more and more every day as my children have gotten older.  I have learned to deal with each phase of their life and had to learn how to cope with new problems.  I thought things were hard when they were little and I was pulling my hair out because I thought they would never be potty-trained!  I wish so much sometimes that I could back to those times - I could handle that - I could FIX that... the trials and tribulations of growing up, falling in love, getting a broken heart or struggling in school... those things are more challenging for me....

I have faced so many challenges with "him".  He was my little "Dill Pickle".  My unique, funny, loving, quick and SMART little boy.  From the time he was born, he wouldn't slow down for anyone or anything! He walked by 7 months and was funny as heck as soon as he could start talking!  I never struggled to smile when he was around.  I remember times when people would tell me, "That boy needs to go to Hollywood! He is freakin' hilarious!"  And they were right - he was! And he had this smile, it would light up a room - his eyes would twinkle and there would just be this "glow".

Sadly, as he grew up, because he wasn't "normal" according to the rest of society, he was picked on, he was bullied, he was teased and segregated.  He also faced the challenges of being a middle child. He felt like he was never going to be as "good" as his older brother and was never "good enough" like his baby brother (eventually brothers).... That is the part I feel I failed on the most.  I didn't protect him from those feelings the way I should have...

Now, he has lost that inner spark.  He has lost the desire to apply his incredible intelligence.  He feels as though he has disappointed me and everyone around him.  He is hurt and damaged and no longer feels that he is even capable of being funny...  and that doesn't just break my heart but it rips it right out.

That boy, he looks so empty and hurt.

But,

That boy, used to smile.

Hardest Times

You know, it seems just as I have made it through what seems to be the "hardest day ever", life throws me another curve ball, another mountain, another obstacle in my path.

I have learned that being a Mom is something that just doesn't get any easier no matter how old your children become.

I looked back through my blog the other night and recalled when some of my toughest days were when I was running late and had a baby to get ready and Jacob to chase down and the boys ready for school....  Gosh, what I wouldn't give to go back to the times when the worst thing that happened to me all day was that I forgot to put enough diapers in the diaper bag.

I am not saying being a Mom during the early years is easy - trust me - sometimes I am in such aw of the Moms I know that have 2 or 3 little ones 3 and under.  I watch them gather them up and travel places like it is as easy as tying a shoe....  I struggle sometimes getting all 4 of my boys out the door to take one little photo and they are 20, 17, 13, and 9!!   Yes, being a Mom is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world. You don't receive any monetary rewards but the love you get back from your children, that is enough to fill your world full of  happiness.

The days you might find awful are the days your children think they hate you.  The days they tell you to "Go to hell" or to "leave them the fuck alone"... ah yes - in a perfect world, those days would never come... I never thought my children would say those things to me but they have and it happens... then they come back and they remind me that they love me and they are sorry.

I have struggled so much lately, keeping my children from hurt.  The heartbreaks, the sadness.... I often times feel like I have failed somehow when they hurt so much.  It is only when I recall my younger years that I realize that those things are just a part of life and it really isn't my fault that they hurt so much.

I would give anything in the world to take all of their pain away.  I would take their place if I could but I
know, deep down, that it is in those hard spots that my children are, yet again, growing - right before my eyes.

When children are little - we measure their growth on charts - how tall they have gotten, how much they weigh - how big their head is! But when they stop physically growing - the emotional growth, personal growth - the things you can't chart - those are the things that make us really feel, really know, that our children are not little any longer.

My boys... all 4 of my boys.... they have my heart by little strings.  They know which ones to tug at, which ones to pull hard and which ones to twist to get the things that they need from me.  I think that each of them know that, ultimately, I would give up anything in the world to make their worlds a better place.

Sometimes, we get mad at eachother.

Sometimes, we slam doors.

Sometimes we say things that hurt....

But at the end of the day, they know I can't sleep if we are fighting.  They know I will be a mess if we don't "fix" the problem.  They know, that no matter how hard the road gets, I am going to help them find a way to get down it and to a better place.

I love those boys.  No matter how hard being a Mom might be, there is no other job I would want to have....

They are my world, through good times, bad and especially through the hardest times of our lives....

If Only for the Moment

As I continue to work with my son, helping him through the struggles of depression, I remember being his age so vividly.

I remember so many nights when I didn't want to be at home.  I didn't want to answer the constant questions from my mother or worry about what my Dad might think.  I remember taking my dog for walks - night after night - miles and miles... my poor dog.  I can only imagine that she had no idea why I pushed her so hard to keep moving when she would stop and try to jump up on my legs...

I remember the broken hearts, the disappointments, the fights with my family.  I, too, felt like things in my life would never get better.

My heart breaks into pieces when my son tells me how much he hurts.  I have learned it is no longer just about the break up he has recently endured but there is so much more to his pain.

I am sad.  I feel as though he has inherited this illness from me and that I should be able to somehow make it better, yet I have no idea how.

I consume myself with him.  I need to.  Yet, at the same time, I realize I have other children and they need me too.

I feel so lost.  So sad.  So uncertain.

We talked tonight, my son and I.  I felt like maybe I managed to make some sense in the midst of all of his confusion.  He told me that he knew that I believed in him.  He knows that I love him.  He feels like I am the only one that supports him.

I know that part is not entirely true.

Depression is so difficult.  It is a battle that you have with yourself every day of your life.  I get that.  I suffer too.  It's a matter of learning how to conquer and win that battle all by yourself because no one else can do it for you.

Tonight, I am not sure that anything I told him made sense, but he is here, sleeping on my couch and he is safe - if only for the moment.

And Then I Stopped Breathing...

Over  a year and a half ago, I discovered my son had considered committing suicide - not once, but 3 times or more...  after some professional help, and the use of a mild medication, he seemed to be doing much better....

A few months into his recovery, he met a girl that he really liked and soon after, they began to date...  he turned into the most amazing, happy child all over again.  As a Mom, I believed it was because he found that he was a great child and was amazing and believed in himself.... 

Tonight, I learned none of that was true....

A mother's nightmare revisited...

A broken heart and the realization that my son still does not see himself the way I see him...  He doesn't believe in himself and doesn't see himself with the confidence and the belief that I do.

I am broken. 

He is broken.

It's not her fault... it's young love and I understand that these things happen.... in fact, I guess I have always known that it was going to happen eventually.... but yet, here we are.... and there is he is - so broken and I don't know to fix him and I am so scared...


Lord,

I beg of you....

Please keep him safe...

I need him.