Hardest Times

You know, it seems just as I have made it through what seems to be the "hardest day ever", life throws me another curve ball, another mountain, another obstacle in my path.

I have learned that being a Mom is something that just doesn't get any easier no matter how old your children become.

I looked back through my blog the other night and recalled when some of my toughest days were when I was running late and had a baby to get ready and Jacob to chase down and the boys ready for school....  Gosh, what I wouldn't give to go back to the times when the worst thing that happened to me all day was that I forgot to put enough diapers in the diaper bag.

I am not saying being a Mom during the early years is easy - trust me - sometimes I am in such aw of the Moms I know that have 2 or 3 little ones 3 and under.  I watch them gather them up and travel places like it is as easy as tying a shoe....  I struggle sometimes getting all 4 of my boys out the door to take one little photo and they are 20, 17, 13, and 9!!   Yes, being a Mom is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world. You don't receive any monetary rewards but the love you get back from your children, that is enough to fill your world full of  happiness.

The days you might find awful are the days your children think they hate you.  The days they tell you to "Go to hell" or to "leave them the fuck alone"... ah yes - in a perfect world, those days would never come... I never thought my children would say those things to me but they have and it happens... then they come back and they remind me that they love me and they are sorry.

I have struggled so much lately, keeping my children from hurt.  The heartbreaks, the sadness.... I often times feel like I have failed somehow when they hurt so much.  It is only when I recall my younger years that I realize that those things are just a part of life and it really isn't my fault that they hurt so much.

I would give anything in the world to take all of their pain away.  I would take their place if I could but I
know, deep down, that it is in those hard spots that my children are, yet again, growing - right before my eyes.

When children are little - we measure their growth on charts - how tall they have gotten, how much they weigh - how big their head is! But when they stop physically growing - the emotional growth, personal growth - the things you can't chart - those are the things that make us really feel, really know, that our children are not little any longer.

My boys... all 4 of my boys.... they have my heart by little strings.  They know which ones to tug at, which ones to pull hard and which ones to twist to get the things that they need from me.  I think that each of them know that, ultimately, I would give up anything in the world to make their worlds a better place.

Sometimes, we get mad at eachother.

Sometimes, we slam doors.

Sometimes we say things that hurt....

But at the end of the day, they know I can't sleep if we are fighting.  They know I will be a mess if we don't "fix" the problem.  They know, that no matter how hard the road gets, I am going to help them find a way to get down it and to a better place.

I love those boys.  No matter how hard being a Mom might be, there is no other job I would want to have....

They are my world, through good times, bad and especially through the hardest times of our lives....

If Only for the Moment

As I continue to work with my son, helping him through the struggles of depression, I remember being his age so vividly.

I remember so many nights when I didn't want to be at home.  I didn't want to answer the constant questions from my mother or worry about what my Dad might think.  I remember taking my dog for walks - night after night - miles and miles... my poor dog.  I can only imagine that she had no idea why I pushed her so hard to keep moving when she would stop and try to jump up on my legs...

I remember the broken hearts, the disappointments, the fights with my family.  I, too, felt like things in my life would never get better.

My heart breaks into pieces when my son tells me how much he hurts.  I have learned it is no longer just about the break up he has recently endured but there is so much more to his pain.

I am sad.  I feel as though he has inherited this illness from me and that I should be able to somehow make it better, yet I have no idea how.

I consume myself with him.  I need to.  Yet, at the same time, I realize I have other children and they need me too.

I feel so lost.  So sad.  So uncertain.

We talked tonight, my son and I.  I felt like maybe I managed to make some sense in the midst of all of his confusion.  He told me that he knew that I believed in him.  He knows that I love him.  He feels like I am the only one that supports him.

I know that part is not entirely true.

Depression is so difficult.  It is a battle that you have with yourself every day of your life.  I get that.  I suffer too.  It's a matter of learning how to conquer and win that battle all by yourself because no one else can do it for you.

Tonight, I am not sure that anything I told him made sense, but he is here, sleeping on my couch and he is safe - if only for the moment.

And Then I Stopped Breathing...

Over  a year and a half ago, I discovered my son had considered committing suicide - not once, but 3 times or more...  after some professional help, and the use of a mild medication, he seemed to be doing much better....

A few months into his recovery, he met a girl that he really liked and soon after, they began to date...  he turned into the most amazing, happy child all over again.  As a Mom, I believed it was because he found that he was a great child and was amazing and believed in himself.... 

Tonight, I learned none of that was true....

A mother's nightmare revisited...

A broken heart and the realization that my son still does not see himself the way I see him...  He doesn't believe in himself and doesn't see himself with the confidence and the belief that I do.

I am broken. 

He is broken.

It's not her fault... it's young love and I understand that these things happen.... in fact, I guess I have always known that it was going to happen eventually.... but yet, here we are.... and there is he is - so broken and I don't know to fix him and I am so scared...


Lord,

I beg of you....

Please keep him safe...

I need him.

Kissing Time

Sometimes it is so hard for me to believe that my children have gotten to be so old....  Travis will be 20 this summer - 20!! Do you even realize that when I first started writing this blog that child was a mere 9??  It is crazy to me! Where did all of that time go?  Here I am thinking that my children will be young forever and now I am faced with the fact that my oldest child may never really come back "home" for any long period of time... with the degree he is seeking, he is likely to call big cities like Chicago or New York home! :(  It kills me to know this...

I remember when I first started blogging about my children that Jacob was only 3 years old - maybe 4?  He was so funny and always full of humor - partly why I started blogging in the first place! Now, this summer, that little boy is going to be 13 years old! How did that happen?

And to think - back then, he wanted to marry me.....

Last Thursday, I received a call from the Dean of Students at his school that he was caught kissing a female student behind the school!! What? It wasn't really a surprise to me as I had just caught him in the act the day before but, at the same time, what happened to my little boy? The one that didn't understand that I couldn't marry him?

hmmph...

Time.

Isn't it crazy how when we are young it seems like it takes forever to go anywhere but when we get older it goes so fast?

Sometimes.... I wish it would just "pause" - at least until I am ready for the next step...